Reclaiming our Family Honor!
Reclaiming and regaining our family honor…that was stolen from us!
Taking back what Joan M Wheeler stole from our family!
ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॐ
om shanti shanti shanti om
UPDATE Sept 2015 my new blog…
Duped by adoption, a book study An in-depth analyzes of the book Forbidden Family My Life as an Adoptee Duped by Adoption.
and a new Facebook page
THE FOLLOWING LINK IS IMPORTANT TO SEE JUST HOW SNEAKING AND DANGEROUS JOAN IS…
UPDATE July 2015 added an LinkedIn account with a post
UPDATE March 2015 this post sums up the TRUE story of our family versus the ‘point of view’ of Joan Wheeler.
Update November 2014
The purpose of this blog is about exposing all the wrongs that Joan Wheeler has done to me and my family and telling the truth of myself and my family.
It would be wise to look at the ABOUT page to get updates that I have removed from this front page. It bears repeating…the sole purpose of this blog is about the behavior of Joan Wheeler.
Our commentary and reporting is our business.
The lying, hate filled book, called Forbidden Family, by Joan Wheeler is now dead. We told the truth and the publisher pulled the book because of its libelous contents. Joan Wheeler refuses to remove all of her blogs with that title and her hate words towards us.
This blog is to help reclaim OUR Family away from Joan Wheeler…she is the Forbidden One…she was NOT conceived in 1954, when this family picture was taken and can not claim this picture. She was adopted out of the family and when ‘reunited’ turned her hate and anger against us.
HI there! I had the unfortunate experience of reading Joan Wheeler’s book (it was free on Kindle and in my interest area). I’m adopted, and have recently extricated myself from a disastrous reunion forced on me by my birth family. All that said…Joan Wheeler is a self-pitying narcissist. I feel bad for you and your family. You reached out to her in what seems to be hope and love only to have the door repeatedly slammed on your hand…then she blames you for ruining her door jam! Her writing in this book is wheedling and ‘oh they don’t make me the center of my universe so I’ll make them!’ in tone. You and your family are in my prayers that she either wises up or just stops out of boredom.
Jan 3, 2016…I’m replying to the about comment of same date
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us who are named in that latest garbage book of Joan M Wheeler. Glad to know that you didn’t have to pay $$ for it! I did pay for the Kindle but for the printed edition, with discounts, I paid .76 cents…yes seventy-six cents! This book, just like the first one, will never be any kind of ‘best-seller’ for she is speaking to a very small ‘crowd’ that think like herself. There are many out there, like yourself who ‘see’ behind what she writes.
I’m glad that you KNOW about narcissistic behaviors for they can cause tremendous difficulties for anyone who gets ‘close’ to them. I’d encourage everyone to learn more about those types of behaviors for self-protection. Unfortunately, Joan will never ‘wise up’ nor ‘stop’ for any reason, because she is a narcissistic that NEEDS constant attention and she hates adoption.
Sorry to hear that you have had a ‘disastrous reunion’; reunions are NOT easy for anyone and when they go horribly wrong, no one wins. Keep in mind that generally all families can be ‘messy’, doesn’t matter whether one is adopted or not, and if you can maintain proper boundaries, those messes won’t get too bad. Your life is your life, live it as you see fit to live it!
Thank you for keeping us in your prayers, as we will you.
I made a new blog post on my “REFUTING A BOOK OF LIES: FORBIDDEN FAMILY BY JOAN M. WHEELER by Joan M. Wheeler – exposing her lies”
Any author’s work should stand up to critical analysis and discussion; for without such, the ‘work’ is just a vanity piece written for personal attention! Because the author, of this particular vanity piece, has written ABOUT family members, it is all the more important to use critical analysis and thinking and engage in discussions.
I placed the following ‘discussion’ on the author’s page. Please do read and partake in discussion!
Your initial post: Aug 17, 2016 8:49:30 AM PDT
gert mcqueen says:
People can write comments on each review and can start discussions. I have six discussions about this book; Gert Mcqueen’s discussion topics. Each discussion goes into greater detail about aspects of this book. As well, you may click on my name, in any comment, to reach my profile page.
The topics are:
1) about the FORWARD.
2) Author’s description of what’s in the book.
3) changes in…
View original post 44 more words
Perhaps Joan should take a long hard look at the toll that comes from beating a dead horse. Joan isn’t getting any younger, has several medical physical and mental conditions, is disabled and yet is in love with her long long years of fighting and must always remind people of them! But then again…Joan does NOT have what it takes to fill the shoes of Mirah Riben. I myself admire Mirah’s work! Joan can only slander/libel her two families, write two books of hate, rage, anger, and exploit the families for her OWN fame and fortune! Joan can only browbeat, intimidate, insult, and generally verbally beat up anyone who is pro-adoption. Joan has contributed NOTHING to the adoption reform platforms, many have disavowed her, yet she doesn’t ‘get it’. Joan is a ‘suck up’, thinking she can get an ‘endorsement’! No, Joan hasn’t got the credibility to fill ANYONE’s shoes!
The whole story can be found here…
In part Mirah said…
I’m too tired to go on beating my tired, worn out drum. I feel the toll physically of carrying around the angry passion that drove my life’s works – be it small, local issues or the insurmountable world terrorism and climate change ones.
I struggle now with how to “let go” and wonder who am I if I am no longer the hippie, rebel fighter of injustice and the voice for the poor, the marginalized and stigmatized, the mothers and babies in crisis.
I thought what I was experiencing was burn-out but I see it now as more like mellowing and fading out. We are often cautioned to pick our battles. I now find it more productive for myself and my body and soul to put into deeper practice the wisdom of knowing that the only thing I can change is myself and accepting all rest that I cannot change. I gave it my all and I know that I changed many lives, reuniting families and supporting mothers in crisis.
I am not dropping out, or losing my ideals … just stepping down and accepting gracefully and graciously that I am not indispensable in any of my areas of service. I step aside and make room for the next generation, while still here to add my two cents. But, who I if I am no longer an activist being passionate about the injustices of the world?
My life is in transition and transitions are seldom easy. I don’t know what lies ahead for me. Time will tell. I feel no urgency – no burning need to do anything right now. The wind is out of my sails and I am adrift. A rebel without a cause… Just relaxing and enjoying this next level of retirement.
I don’t know what will fill the void in my life. Like a person retiring from a lifelong career or a mother facing an empty nest, I don’t know what the future holds. Who am I if not a lifelong adoption activist? Yet to be determined. All I know is I am no longer – CAN no longer be – that. I can no longer beat my head against the wall. I am not any more indispensable than any other. Neither I nor my input will likely be missed.
Mirah, I am saddened to learn you will be decreasing your involvement in the movement. You have been a valuable asset, a great teacher, an informative writer. Your passion, your pain, influenced me from 36 years ago at our first meeting in Philadelphia. I wish I had taken your photo back then. I can’t believe it had been this long…
Yes, I have been talking about the disgusting legal practice of falsifying birth certificates since I was found by family I did not know I had in 1974 at my age of 18. Ever since then, I have tried, and failed, to gather anyone’s interest in fighting this to the federal level. Not even a whimper in terms of acknowledgment that this is a problem, that it is identity theft. I’ve talked to the powers that be at AAC way back in 1989 and asked for an organizational effort to raise awareness and do a major class action lawsuit on a national scale. I do not recall who it was, but I was shushed aside, with an angry, “It cannot be done!” snarly comment thrown at me. I have been dismissed by the very organization from which I learned so much. Sure, it will be a bureaucratic nightmare to end falsified birth certificates on a national scale, but stopping this practice is what is needed.
About 8 years ago, I secured the attention of civil rights attorney who asked for information. So I sent him articles and blogs and books. After three months he announced that he would take on a class action case for adoptees, not for mere access to un-certified birth certificates, but for complete and total release of certified now-sealed birth certificates. And, he agreed to make every effort to end the practice of falsifying birth certificates of adopted people, with the provisions of nullifying falsified birth certificates if the adopted person wanted to do so. The catch? He wanted $175,000.00 up front to get started. He made it clear that that was his starting fee and the cost would rise as the complications of taking this to the federal supreme court would not only be expensive, but would take years. He knew I did not have the money, nor did the adopted people I knew at the time have the money. So the idea for a case was dropped.
I am beyond frustrated. Beyond disgusted.
Thank you for your work, Mirah. You WILL be missed. June 17, 2016 at 7:22 PM
Mirah Riben replied…
Doris, Funny that you mention the AAC in 1989. I was Director at Large that year and the AAC was the most radical it was before or since. That year I helped organize a RED TAPE march around the Roosevelt Hotel in NYC and we had a seal breaking. Lots of press. Later that year was the march to Dc and speak out.
I remember constantly being up against the words “we can’t OFFEND anyone.” By “anyone, they meant apr and paps who they relied on for $$.
Then they went back to being self-serving.
Your atty story proves that it CAN be done even though you and I have both been told it’s impossible! It IS very possible, all we need is an atty who is willing to do it to make himself a name. We’d still need to raise actual costs.
Oh, well…someone else will have to carry that mantle… June 17, 2016 at 8:03 PM
Let’s now take a closer look at just two statements…
To quote Joan’s words…
I am beyond frustrated. Beyond disgusted.
To quote Mirah’s words …
I now find it more productive for myself and my body and soul to put into deeper practice the wisdom of knowing that the only thing I can change is myself and accepting all rest that I cannot change.
whom has more dignity?
Six months prior, to this announcement of Mirah’s, Joan took another lawyer to task…that’s another whole different story, for another time.
Because the lawyer was FOR adoption, Joan lashed out at him…talk about alienating any possible help from THAT lawyer, or any, for the cause! And after some very nasty bitter statements by Joan and others, Mirah said…
I’m for giving …. a bit of break, meaning education him gently and kindly…the way ALL education should be done – and appreciating what he IS doing to help fathers!
Well, that advice didn’t and hasn’t changed Joan mindset, tone, or manner of browbeating anyone and it never will. No wonder Joan is so sick and doesn’t get anywhere!
Then we see, because Joan can’t help herself, we see Joan’s arrival to take on the mantle left by Mirah…hummm on second thought…perhaps NOT!
I’m also updating with links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ another ‘revised’ version. In this ‘version’ called ‘duped by adoption’ she has increased her exploitation by including PICTURES and REAL NAMES and much more personal information violating again the families. Joan has no decency NOR shame. There is NOTHING in this book for adoption reform. She is totally against adoption and her two families. To learn more see…
Reblogged this on duped by adoption, a book study and commented:
there’s an opening in the field
Gert says: “many have disavowed her, yet she doesn’t ‘get it’. – and I see evidence of that – right on my own facebook. I’ve had in the past three years, one private message from a guy who agreed to rent a room in Joan’s house – be a “boarder” – apparently it lasted about a week. This guy, who I never met, private messaged on facebook and told me that he couldn’t stand to hear Joan’s constant screaming rants to the air – about ME! He said (paraphrase) “she’s nuts. screaming and yelling all day long. I couldn’t get any rest – and it was all about YOU!”
From last summer – I’ve become facebook contacts with three adoptees who were berated by Joan on her facebook, insulted, called names and bullied because they disagreed with her. And those adoptees told her point blank on facebook “shut the hell up Joan.”
And just last month, another adoptee did the same.
I’m not an adoptee – but I am a victim of bullying of Joan – and because I am one of her birthsisters – who she routinely gossips about and slanders and cyber-bullys on her facebook, adoptees have come to know me and Gert.
Unlike some of the adoptees who have their heads up their ass regarding Joan and me – the adoptees that I have become fb contacts with have sensible heads on their shoulders. They know crazy when they see it. They can see exactly who the troublemaker is in Joan’s reunion with her birth family. And they have dropped her like a hot potato.
But like Trump, who is a narcissistic pathological liar just like Joan – Joan DOESN’T GET IT. She refuses to consider that her word is NOT golden. She will NEVER be Saint Joan/Doris of the Adoptees, who has delivered all the adoptees in the world from the pain of their lying parents (birth and/or adopted) and has been THE person who has abolished the institution of the adoption on the planet, AND succeeded in opening up every sealed adoption record in the world and returned ALL original birth certificates to all adoptees in the world.
Trump thinks he is god supreme in the business/political world, Joan thinks she is goddess in the adoption-reform world.
She is in for one hell of a let down. — and when it comes – I know exactly what she will say: “It’s my birthsister RUTH’S fault.”
always best to learn behavioral patterns, so you are not targeted
here’s a great article on learning and understanding behavioral patterns…
First, it needs to be noted that Joan M Wheeler has changed her name to Doris Michol Sippel, her birth name. She shall NEVER be that birth named person to anyone in the birth family for she DIED the same day as our mother died. So regardless of what Joan calls herself, for she has multiple screen names, I shall never recognize any but Joan M Wheeler.
Second, it appears as if Mirah is bowing out of the mainstream spotlight of adoption reform activism; that’s a topic for another post. As usual Joan is attempting to make yet another power play to get herself onto the top of the heap; Joan loves to state HOW many years she’s been fighting etc etc etc. Joan attempted a power play in 2015 with Joyce B from UI Adoptee Rights NY. See this link for fuller details…
Third, there is SOME dispute about whether adoption CAUSES trauma, such as PTSD, separation issues, etc. or not. At this junction I am NOT addressing those issues. Primarily the issue being discussed in the following is adoption versus family preservation. From personal experience and intuitive thinking, I don’t believe that family preservation is possible, or welcomed, in many cases. I am of firm belief that adoption has a large place in the world of humans.
The following Huffington Post article gave me just the opportunity to present my position. Of course I was subjected to yet another adoptee fool who just would NOT let another person, me, have my own thoughts and opinions!
On June 29, 2016 Mirah Riben wrote a piece on Huffington Post. The link is below.
I begin, here, by showing my and Ruth’s comments before I show Joan’s, for I want OUR positions to be understood before Joan presents her agenda and propaganda. Also, by presenting my, and Ruth’s comments, first we can show how even ONE adoptee will just not let go of their bone of contention! Another point to be aware of is that NO ONE replied to Joan’s comments.
Here is the link
In Joan comments, as you will see further down, she tells ‘her version’ of her adoption. Instead of replying to her directly, I told the TRUTH of the situation, in a separate comment. Of course, Joan and others know who I am, don’t like what I have to say, for it does NOT square with Joan’s and they can’t stop me. There are many who do not know who I am and agree with me. But then, as you will see, there are those that want to destroy me because of my opinions.
So I began…
Family preservation is NOT always the answer or even possible! There are real and right reasons for ADOPTION. Here’s the truth of one family’s LOSS and TRAUMA!
In the winter of 1955/56, in a hospital bed, where she laid, on the drug DES and bedrest to keep her pregnancy intact, a young wife/mother gave birth to her 5th child, a girl on January 7; there were 3 other girls and 1 boy, all very young. The husband/father had his elderly parents helping with the care of the four and the newborn, upon release from the hospital, was then in the care of a family relative. The husband/father knew that his wife was dying, of cancer, from January 19, 1956 when she had exploratory surgery and it was deemed that nothing further could be done for her. She herself knew she was dying and told her husband to remarry for the children. She died March, 28, 1956.
From JANUARY 1956 the father searched for a solution. NOTHING was decided at any funeral. He proposed a marriage of convenience, BEFORE his wife died, to a woman, who had 2 fatherless children saying that he would help raise them, if she would help raise his 5 motherless children. She agreed, but NOT to the infant; the last born. They were married, 3 months after the death of the children’s mother, in June 1956.
Before the second marriage, some family members wanted to ‘adopt’ the infant. Some other family members wanted to ‘adopt’ the other 2 youngest children. The father said NO, if he could NOT RAISE his children NO ONE IN THE FAMILY WOULD.
Other family members knew of an older couple (10 years older than the natural parents) that were infertile and wanted a child. Adoption was the solution to provide for this infant THAT WAS REFUSED BY THE SECOND WIFE and care for and keep the rest of the family in the second marriage.
The infant was adopted quickly, removed from the relatives who had been giving physical care, to the adopting couple; for the day that the husband’s wife died, this last child also became ‘dead’, for that was the only psychological means and way that allowed him to give up his child.
The remaining 4 children and step-children’s lives were uprooted again in 1957 when the 2nd wife developed a mental illness and was hospitalized. The six children were placed in various orphan/foster homes; one of them, me, barely returned to their father’s care. Life was hard at times and the 4 children always wondered about their baby sister. That child, which was adopted out of the family, was raised as an only spoiled child, that and more were to be learned, the hard way, in years to follow.
It is best NOT to second guess, or make up stories, about what anyone did or didn’t do 60 years ago just feed one’s sense of being duped. NO one is this family won! EVERYONE lost and had trauma! Live the life you got, for better or worse, you only have the ONE. Adoption is a human institution that certainly needs reform but it will be around for as long as there are human that NEED that option Jun 30, 2016 4:53pm (liked by Greg Sedo…remember this name)
lets ignore the fact that there are other options in 2016 that care for kids way better than adoption. parenting orders, guradianship, kinship care just to name a few. Jul 2, 2016 5:26pm
(this person cannot allow me to have my own views)
Sarah Bremick I’m not ignoring that there are other, perhaps better options, available today than 60 years ago than ‘just’ adoption! I gave a very real personal family story that could easily be lived TODAY, by many. The decision MADE was a personal decision; just like many personal decisions that ALL of us make at any time in our lives! I know I’ve had to make hard difficult decisions USING my own conscious WITH what I had at any GIVEN moment and I’m sure you have as well!
The issue/decision to adopt or not to adopt is NOT ALWAYS a clear cut ‘do this, don’t do that’, kind of thing! I adopted! That was MY decision to do so. My life, my decisions, like my father’s, are NOT up to being criticized, decades later, by adoption activists who believe that adoption is an evil! Neither are my life’s decisions to be USED and ALTERED to fit and prove someone else’s ‘agenda and propaganda’ that adoption causes all manner of troubles, problems and what have you!
I find it a grave dishonor to family members that their LIVES, their TRAUMAS, their LOSSES are used and altered to promote a personal agenda against the institution of adoption! How would YOU, Sarah, feel if YOUR decisions, YOUR life, were ALTERED to fit into another’s propaganda program? I still feel that as long as there are humans, adoption will be a valid and valuable method to care for children that need homes and parents! Jul 2, 2016 7:40pm
your the casue of the problem. Me..mine were altered to suit someone else without my permission.Adoption is never valid. You are not a valid reason to over ride how I feel about it Jul 4, 2016 5:57am
Sarah Bremick sometimes (not all the time) kids need families not legalized babysitters. That’s where adoption is sometimes a solution. There isn’t a one size fits all model. Jul 4, 2016 3:51pm
Sarah Bremick how is she the cause of YOUR problem?
As to things being done to you as an infant/chilld without your permission – well guess what? Things were done to me when I was a child without my permission. I had absolutely NO say in what MY name would be, what my religion would be, what school I went to, where I was to live. All these things were decided upon by my parents until I was old enough to make my life decisions for myself. And I’m not even adopted! · Jul 5, 2016 6:26am
If you’re going to argue for the case of trauma and moral injury Sarah, then you need to find a more relevant criteria. Jul 5, 2016 6:26am
Ruth Herr Sippel Pace exactly. You are not adopted. Your name is the one you were born with. No one removed it and replaced it with another. Your religion was set by what religion your parents had, your school by what area you lived in. My parents did not make these decisions. My purchasers did. Jul 5, 2016 5:35pm
Sarah Bremick Sarah…give it a break! You are not going to change EVERYONE’s opinions or feelings. Many people who adopt or are adoptees are NOT concerned over these issues that are stressing you out.
While I can fully appreciate your feelings AND I am IN agreement that adoption REFORM is needed, there are VALID NEEDS for ADOPTION. Not all adoption are PURCHASES! Sure I paid a legal fee, just like I paid a legal fee for any legal CONTRACT. I adopted my son with my second husband, my son’s natural father didn’t want to pay support! Someone WANTED TO. Someone WANTED TO BE THE FATHER. My son’s NAME was changed…so WHAT! Oh, that doesn’t count because that was a domestic step-parent adoption and the CHILD knew his birth father, BUT…yes his birth certificate was CHANGED. Big deal! And yes, I have a birth sibling that was place INTO adoption, as told in my comment. Ok, I get it, some adoptees don’t like what happened to them…well…get in line and take a number for you are not the only one who doesn’t like what life gave you!
Bottom line is that I, AND anyone else has, the right and freedom to make decisions for ourselves and that INCLUDES adopting ACCORDING to the current LEGAL LAWS. If you want to change the laws DO SO…via the LEGAL METHODS…NOT by trying to make those of us whom believe that adoption is a necessary FUNCTION in the social structure of the HUMAN RACE, into some kind of evil! You really need a different platform to be heard! Jul 5, 2016 6:35pm
Gert Mcqueen your an adopter. You dont get to tell me what I am allowed to feel or say. Jul 8, 2016 7:29pm
Sarah Bremick that’s RIGHT I adopted WITH my second husband MY OWN CHILD THAT I BIRTHED! do you really have a problem with that?? Give a life! There are billions of childred that NEED families! You Sarah, DON’T get to tell me that I am WRONG for ADOPTING. DEAL WITH IT. Jul 8, 2016 7:34pm ·
Sarah Bremick… you ALSO dont get to tell me what I am allowed to feel or say. Jul 8, 2016 9:22pm (liked by Greg Sdeo)
I find it ironic that those who complain about adoptees and birth mothers being silenced are the same ones who attack those whose stories put adoption in a positive light. I’m so sorry Celia that you have fallen into line with other vocal adoptees. Jul 4, 2016 1:20pm
NOW BEFORE we see all of Joan’s comments here is her parting words (in the comments).
…I spent my childhood without my siblings and our father and I blame adoption for that. No amount of love for the people who rasied me (who I called Mom and Dad) can erase the pain of the loss I feel. Loss is trauma…
My question is, if that is true, then why, when she was found, did she sabotage and destroy each and every relationship with members of the birth family, including with our father, and then write two books of lies? Answer, because she hates being adopted so much that she is unable and unwilling to ACCEPT the life and circumstances she was given. She MUST punish everyone in both families for their CRIME against HER.
AND NOW for Joan’s comments…NOTE her agenda, rhetoric and propaganda, her condescending attitude, her insults and browbeating!
I wouldn’t say that here, Sinbad.You have just tread on thin ice. Many women kill themselves, too. Many adopted people, men and women, have ended their lives because of what adoption has done to them. There are those of us who are reading this now who know one or more adopted persons who are no longer with us. And two mothers (of adoption loss) in particular who are crying right now from the suicides of their relinquished daughters. Jun 29, 2016 4:40pm
For me, I understand the Moral Wound of relinquishing mothers and fathers. It goes against nature to give up a child. That is a pain I cannot know for myself. But I do understand it. I also understand the Moral Wound of soldiers in war and returning home. While I did not live this experience, I’ve know many veterans, one was my brother. I was prevented from knowing my own full blood brother during our childhood and was reunited with him one year after he returned from Viet Nam. He died in 2003. You will not get outrage from me over the comparison. The moral choices each had to make are clear to me, are forgivable, and very human. · Jun 29, 2016 4:12pm
Yes, we do need to be heard and respected. Adoptees are ignored, put down, laughed at, ridiculed, treated as children, and dismissed. Our feelings, our experiences, our very lives are judged by others (family, friends, strangers) as being inferior. Jun 29, 2016 2:45pm ·
To … Jennifer —
I will repeat my comment to Celia here so you can reflect upon it. Adoption does, indeed, wound. It further destroyed my family after the death of my mother: In 1956, my mother was dying from cancer while pregnant with me. She died when I was three months old. My father was approached at her funeral by the parrish priest who said, “the baby needs two parents.” My father, being the devout Catholic that he was, followed the priest’s advise. He gave me up for adoption and kept his other four older children. Celia, do not think for one second that adoption did not affect my entire family. It did. When reunited in 1974, my father said he never wanted to givive me up, bbut he was never given any other option. Family preservation was not a consideration, no one asked him if he needed help to keep his family together. The prevailing thought in society at the time was to split up families. While my siblings lived six miles away with our father, I was rasied as an only child. yes, adoption itself, and relinquishement (separation) causes pain. I spent my childhood without my siblings and our father and I blame adoption for that. No amount of love for the people who rasied me (who I called Mom and Dad) can erase the pain of the loss I feel. Loss is trauma.
So, Jennifer, something else you need to know. My adopters were so loving that they lied to me my entire childhood. Sure, I know they were afraid I would leave them if I knew I had siblings living so close by. I know how much they loved me adn I loved them with the innocence and trust of a child. But when I was found in 1974 by my siblings that my adopters knew I had (but did not ever want me to know) I was furious. Turns out that all of my extended adoptive family knew and they were distantly related to my deceased mother. Everyone socialized with each other… the adults, that is. Me and my siblings were kept apart because of the way adoption was handled at that point in time.
And please, spare me any praise for open adoption as the solution. It is not. Adoption still breaks up a family in order to create another.
Now, let’s discuss the matter of adoption’s stronghold on the adotpee’s identity. No child should be forced to lose her or his identity in order to haev a home, if indeed a home is actually needed. Every single adopted person’s birth certificate is sealed upon the finalization of adoption. A new “birth” certifcate is created using adoption information. In reality, the adoptee is not born with the new name and is not sired nor conceive nor gestated nor born to the adotpers. Adoption itself is one big lie after another.
If adoption is so wonderful and does not cause trauma, why lie about it? The indentity of the child should remain intact. The actual birth certificate should remain intact with the parents of actual conception and gestation and birth named for all eternity. Because that is the truth.
Where is the respect for the adopted person as to the worth and dignity of that individual? Where is the respect for the two parents who created that child? There is not respect for these three people in adoption. Jun 29, 2016 3:47pm
To ….Jennifer —
your negative comments about Mirah Riben‘s writing about adoption for many years denegrate not only her, but other adoption reformers who have also been writing for many years. Many have passed on. Instead of negativity, perhaps you, and others commenting here, should look up these books by early adoption experts: “The Adoption Triangle” by Annette Baron and Reuben Pannor, “Shared Fate” by H. David Kirk, “Lost and Found” by Betty Jean Lifton. These authors, and more, wrote about adoption. They helped many, many people understand adoption from the adopted person’s point of view and from the relinquishing parent’s point of view, too. And we must not ever forget Jean Paton, the adoptee who started the adoption reform movement in 1953 with her books “Orphan Voyage” and “The Adopted Break Silence.” I have every one of these books and knew each of these authors personally.
How many of these books have YOU read, Jennifer? Do you know the amount of personal dedication, knowledge base, research, time and effort it takes to write a book? It also takes a trendous amount of courage to put down your thoughts and knowledge into a published article and book because people, like you, criticize. Jun 29, 2016 4:33pm
To… Jennifer Danvers …
The amended birth certificate that is automatically issued after the Final Order of Adoption is granted by family or surrogate court I just that: a birth certificate. It states the child’s new name and the names of two strangers to the child as mother and father. The implication is that this “father” sired this child and this “mother” conceived, gestated, and gave birth to this child. Those are material false facts certified as true on a government issued document. This is the adopted person’s second form of legal identification. The first is the actual birth certificate which is canceled of its legal status, permanently sealed, and replaced by the amended “birth” certificate. The adopted person has no choice in these changes in legal identity documents; all adopted people possess birth certificates that state strangers created them. If an adoptee discovers later in life the name given at birth, a legal name change can restore the name given at birth, but the legal parents are still the ones named on the amended birth certificate.
I legally changed my name from Joan Mary Wheeler back to my name at birth. But my actual birth certificate is still sealed. But my adoptive “parents” are officially my parents as if they sired and birthed me.
This may not be important to you, but it is extremely important to many adopted persons who resent this manipulation of the facts of their births. It is also a total disregard and disrespect to the real mother and father of a real person who was really born to them.
Adoption itself is base on lies from the very beginning of this legal arrangement. This causes a lifetime of problems for the adopted person. This causes a lifetime of problems for the mother who is no longer the legal mother of her child. This mother lives with the torment of relinquishment (moral delemna addressed by this article) and the knowledge that she is the mother but the law erased her name and replaced her name with another woman’s name on her child’s birth certificate. Unless you are a victim of this adoption system, you cannot know the psychological damage caused by adoption. · Jun 30, 2016 8:08am
To…Celia Paddock Malm —
In addition to Mirah’s sugestion that you read “The Pimal Wound” by Nancy Verrier, I suggest Nancy Verrier’s second book: “The Adopted Child Grows Up: Coming Home to Self”. You should also read these books: “Being Adopted: the Lifelong Search for Self,” by David Brodzinsky, Marshal Schechter and Robin Marantz. And: “The Psychology of Adoption” by Brodzinsky and Schechter. Jun 29, 2016 8:31am
To…Celia Paddock Malm —
In 1956, my mother was dying from cancer while pregnant with me. She died when I was three months old. My father was approached at her funeral by the parrish priest who said, “the baby needs two parents.” My father, being the devout Catholic that he was, followed the priest’s advise. He gave me up for adoption and kept his other four older children. Celia, do not think for one second that adoption did not affect my entire family. It did. When reunited in 1974, my father said he never wanted to givive me up, bbut he was never given any other option. Family preservation was not a consideration, no one asked him if he needed help to keep his family together. The prevailing thought in society at the time was to split up families. While my siblings lived six miles away with our father, I was rasied as an only child. yes, adoption itself, and relinquishement (separation) causes pain. I spent my childhood without my siblings and our father and I blame adoption for that. No amount of love for the people who rasied me (who I called Mom and Dad) can erase the pain of the loss I feel. Loss is trauma. Jun 29, 2016 3:29pm
It’s really embarrassing, and at times, HARD TO WATCH, as she keeps on ‘digging in’ where she ought to just lay down and hide in the sands! Is she really that stupid NOT TO SEE what others are saying about her? Is she that BLIND to what is being said to her, over and over again, and NOT BY BIRTH SIBLINGS! When will this idiot SHUT UP? Never, of course!
Speaking ‘as a reader’, reading the comments, of Joan’s and others, I FELT the humiliation that Joan OUGHT to feel but doesn’t! She is totally unaware of how she is coming across! She comes across as a totally out-there nut-job on the outer fringes! When faced with an opposing view she attacks and when called out on it…well she attacks again. This is no way to gain support for one’s agendas! But she doesn’t care! She is right, the entire world is wrong! And, she will NOT be denied her say! I have blogged about this over and over again and will continue to do so.
The following is from June 2015…just after Joan’s NEW revised book was made available. In fact, I purchased it on June 12, 2015, just DAYS after I wrote a comment here! Joan will NEVER be anything but what she IS, a crazy nut job…SHE is the only one that doesn’t know it!
I can’t image her EVER being a speaker for she CAN’T hold it together in anonymous computer exchanges! In person she’d probably be dragged away, as she screams and kicks!
The contents of the news story can speak for itself; the link is…
I may have ‘missed’ a full comment, here and there, and certainly didn’t capture all of them. The intent here is to SHOW Joan at her BEST. There was a commenter named Bella Tweeter, but apparently her comments were removed, by reading the comments I’m assuming she was more radical than Joan.
I also have kept Joan’s Facebook ‘description’ ‘Owner-operator at Self-Employed’ on each of her comments, because it also shows her NEED to appear superior to others! Remember, she’s on permanent disability and believes she can earn big bucks selling fabricated stories about other peoples’ lives…like mine and the rest of my family!
Now to begin…at some point in reading the comments I decided to write a comment. I could have written another, but, as you will read, there’s no point! I start out with MY comment…
It should be known that Joan Mary Wheeler is an ‘adoption abolitionist’, she is totally anti-adoption. In other words, there is NO NEED for adoption, for any reason, period, end of story, don’t attempt to argue any reasonable argument, she will ALWAYS find fault with adoption! I should know for she went after me for ADOPTING.
You know the saying??? You cannot have a reasonable dialogue with a drunk, nor a mentally impaired person, nor someone who is so convinced of their position that they are BLIND to reality!
We see her ‘side-stepping and kissing a…’ around those that are anti-adoption but ARE NOT as extreme in their positions as Joan is…( With all due respect Sandy, I know you mean well… I’m not mad at you, Sandy. I simply felt like responding and explaining so that others could see that adoption is never a good choice.) Who does she (Joan) thinks she kidding? Joan has a hatred of fire that will never be put out!
Joan also says… Adoption is very damaging. It is never done “correctly.” There is always loss to deal with.
I agree!!…but adoption is NOT the enemy! There are many many rightful needs FOR ADOPTION. I adopted, but Joan didn’t like that! Need I tell why?
Joan asks…Why was I let go? Why wasn’t I kept?
Because there was NO ONE in the family that could take her! Period! Father’s second wife REFUSED her, as infant, there were six others, father had to make (Joan) psychologically dead in his mind to ‘let her go’. Guardianship DOES NOT work. And believe me, Joan would not have liked the life the rest of us had! Check my blog on wordpress for further information. · Jun 6, 2015 10:53pm
Bella Tweeter how about worrying about taking that gigantic chip off of your shoulder, it seems to be quite worrisome for you. Jun 8, 2015 10:03am
Sonia, how about YOU give up your kids, never see them again, and a stranger is then declared by legal decree that she is their mother by birth on a new birth certificate? You might change your tune if you lost your child that you never wanted to give up but were coerced into doing it because you lacked supports to keep your child. Jun 8, 2015 1:40pm · Edited
Joan, joan, joan… why would Sonia do that? After all, she’s a good mother. She’s not one of ‘those’ mothers… who give up their kids by choice and never look back. The scary thing is that she claims to be a social worker!!! See, even educated people can have very uneducated positions when it doesn’t suit their purpose. · Jun 9, 2015 1:00am
Sonia – I have big news for you: mothers and fathers who relinquish their babies to adoption do so because there are no other choices. And, many babies are stolen at birth. I have 41 years years experience in adoption reform. Very well educated. It is you all who are not educated into all of the complexities of adoption. You paint all relinquishing mothers as bad mothers. They are not. You are very ignorant. As a social worker, you could very well, indeed, be trained to take babies away from their mothers and fathers. I know your kind. I am the other kind of social worker: one who fosters strengthening the family unit, setting goals in family preservation, rather than in permanently separating families by adoption. · Jun 10, 2015 11:49am · Edited
Or, perhaps there should be more assistance available to these young mothers so that their backs are NOT against the wall, poverty is NOT their only outcome and desperation is NOT the push that forces them to be nothing more than vessels for breeding for others. No, this choice should NOT be made more often. It should be made even less often than it is and should only be for the most dire of circumstances, when there are no other options such as death or heinous abuse. Adoption was never intended to be a way for infertile women to find a baby to satisfy their need, but a home for orphan children to find a loving home. Society has morphed the intent out of all recognition with a business model and a plan! Jun 6, 2015 1:39pm
Sandy Young With all due respect Sandy, I know you mean well, but full orphans do not need adoption. Full orphans (with both parents dead) and half orphans (with only one parent dead) do have other family. They are not born in a vacuum. As you know (!) kinship care and then guardianship are far better choices than adoption. Even adoption by, say, an older sibling, an aunt, or a grandparent is not advisable. When relatives adopt the child of a relative, family relations change legally. Grandmother becomes mother, aunts and uncles become sisters and brothers to the adoptee.
When guardianship is chosen, the child retains their name at birth, their place in the family of birth, and visitation is guided by the courts for the best interest of the child. None of that exists in adoption. In adoption, in order to have a family, the adoptee must surrender their natural born identity. The parents by adoption are named on a new birth certificate as if they sired and gave birth to the adoptee. This is an outright lie.
I am a half orphan. My mother died when I was three months old. I had a family. I did not need a new one. Adoption displaced me from one and resettled me into another. My actual birth certificate is sealed forever. My legal birth certificate states a woman gave birth to me in the hospital, yet it was physically impossible for her to give birth.
I’m not mad at you, Sandy. I simply felt like responding and explaining so that others could see that adoption is never a good choice. Take away the government seizing and sealing actual birth certificates of adoptees, take away new, amended – falsified – birth certificates and what do you have? Guardianship. · Jun 6, 2015 7:49pm
Joan Wheeler, you are right, of course. Jun 6, 2015 10:26pm
Diana Clark —
Society needs to stop putting these labels on young and vulnerable mothers.
Adoption agencies do not call pregnant women mothers, they call pregnant women “birthmothers” because it is a form of brainwashing to convince the young, poor and uninformed pregnant woman that she does not have the strength, the income, the ability to be a parent to her soon-to-be-born infant.
Calling a woman a “super woman” because she gave up her child reinforces the concept that it is natural and normal and brave and courageous and selfless to do so. If giving up your baby is all of those things, then ALL mothers should be forced by law to give up their babies at birth to a stranger.
Everyone these days is too poor or otherwise dysfunctional to raise their own children. Babies will do far better in the homes of strangers where they will receive better education, better food, better moral upbringing in the religion of the new parents and the customs of the new family.
When all parents are required by law to give away all of their children they gave birth to, then society will be equal. We will all be raising childre who were born to someone else. We will all have falsified birth certificates to prove these kids are ours. No one will care about DNA and inherited medical conditions that “run in the family” because it will be against the law for anyone to know. Nor will we care about ancestry or even recognizing family members by their physical appearance to match our own.
Then, all mothers will be “super women” as all mothers will be forced to have their newborns removed from them at the moment of birth and all mothers will then receive newborns of a stranger. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me! Gonna be the first to sign up Diana Clark?
No wait, it isn’t voluntary. Your doctor will comply with the law and remove your newborn as soon as you push that baby out. You won’t even hear your baby cry because, you are told, this isn’t your baby. Jun 8, 2015 8:13am
Joan Mary Wheeler You sound like you have had a bitter experience with adoption. Jun 8, 2015 10:16am
Diana Clark Listen sister, I didn’t have “a bitter experience” with adoption – I had a whole lifetime of a series of bad experiences with so-called loving adoptive family harassing me for accepting a phone call that reunited me with my blood kin in 1974 when I was 18. I know more about adoption than all of you commenting here. Keep throwing insults. That shows how very little you actually know about adoption psychology, adoption law, and human relationships. See that piece of paper I am holding? It is is my sealed original birth certificate with my name and parents of birth named on it. How about standing up for adoptees’ civil rights to the truth of births? So you say you are an honest person? No honest person in their right mind would say it is logical and moral and ethical to issue every single adoptee a falsified birth certificate upon the finalization of adoption. Jun 8, 2015 1:36pm
Joan Mary Wheeler In what way did I throw an insult? “So you say you are an honest person? No honest person in their right mind would say it is logical and moral and ethical to issue every single adoptee a falsified birth certificate upon the finalization of adoption.” To what in my posts or replies are you referring? · Jun 8, 2015 1:39pm
The very fact that you insulted me by saying the tired phrase “you had a bitter experience”. I’ll tell you my bitter experience – the government stole my identity to give me a “better life”. Evey single adoptee suffers identity theft when the government confiscates their birth certificates upon adoption and then issues a brand new one that is totally false. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt by saying you are an honest person. Take a good long look at the end result of identity theft upon adoption. And then, when you examine your conscience, explain how you can condone the theft of millions of birth certificates from innocent children who must grow up using these false birth certificates as the basis of their identity documents until they die. If adoption was an honest institution, it would not require its victims to involuntarily lose their actual birth certificates for life, then demand that they carry around a false birth certificate as if they were sired and birthed by two people who had nothing to do with creating life. … When sealed and falsified birth certificates of adoptees are removed from the adoption process, the end result is: GUARDIANSHIP and NOT ADOPTION. The child who needs a home and a family retains their identity and place int he family of birth while being cared for by parental figures. · Jun 11, 2015 1:25pm · Edited
I think Bella Tweeter needs therapy.· Jun 8, 2015 3:44am
Calvin Bernard III — This is the problem in society — when people judge women who speak out against the crime of convincing a mother that the best thing she can do is to give up her baby.
Calvin, you are a man. Men do not get pregnant.
You have no idea what has happened historically to pregnant women who are vulnerable. Babies have been stolen at birth while their mothers were chained to beds giving birth. Women today are told that they cannot raise their own children. Until you are faced with the theft of your baby, you do not know how it feels.
I am an adoptee, not a mother of adoption loss, yet, I am educated in adoption law, adoption psychology and sociology. I have 41 years of personal experience in adoption trauma. I am also a social worker and a social activist.
You, on the other hand, are a man who has – obviously – no personal experience and no professional experience in being a father whose child was lost to adoption, or being an adoptee.
A good place to start your education is to take a good long look at what happened to African slave women brought to early America. Their babies were stolen from them and sold to other slave traders. Where do you think the terms “placed for adoption” and “put up for adoption” came from? This is language straight from the slave-trading days when human beings were “put up” on a stage so that their new owners could look them over to pick one or several to buy.
Another term: “freed for adoption” — We “free” children for other people to adopt them by terminating parental rights. Adoption is a business, just like slave trading was a business. Jun 8, 2015 8:33am
Calvin – Here is a quote from your own Facebook wall:
“Expecting marginalized peoples to disregard their own emotions to calmly educate you is the epitome of entitlement” – by Sola Bamis.
Mothers of adoption loss, and adoptees, are marginalized peoples.
Black people were/are marginalized in America, the land of the free.
I stand for your equality, so why do you mock someone who states her own trauma from her own experience of losing her child to adoption? · Jun 8, 2015 8:47am
Joan Mary Wheeler No, YOU are the problem in society. First, therapy isn’t a bad thing, so please stop stigmatizing mental health issues. She DOES need therapy— she’s going out of her to express how traumatizing this experience was for her on a public (linked to FB) social media forum. She has over a dozen posts below, crying out for help. What would you recommend? The catharsis of FB likes? Get a clue.
No one judged her. You judged me for being a man, and then at the end threw slavery in there like you were trying to pull at my heartstrings, but my family is from the Isles. We weren’t slaves, so that’s your history, not mine. Also, you have no idea what I have ideas about. So stop that. Stop with the black people commentaries and stop demeaning my assessment because I am a man.
No one mocked her, but you have made clear that you have some issues with men and a strange obsession with African American history. Which is fine. That’s your business. I don’t owe you anything.
I stand by that it is unhealthy for Tweeter Bella to continue to post these kinds of messages in a public forum, and will restate that she needs to get some professional help to navigate these obviously difficult emotions. Seeing as to how you are also of the belief that demoralizing and attacking people and negating their personal experience on social media is a route to your own sufficiency and healing, I would suggest that you do too. Jun 8, 2015 3:06pm
Calvin Bernard III I do not have a strange obsession with African American history. I know that modern adoption has aspects of the slave trade, which I pointed out.
And yes, knowing full well that you might not be of African American descent I said it anyway to make the point. I am not the only one; those of us who have been traded from one family into the other know all too well that we have little value. Our ownership papers are our adoption decrees. Without adoption papers and without changing our birth certificates, the process of providing homes for children who need homes would be call…See More Jun 8, 2015 11:36pm
Joan Mary Wheeler, Notice how I created my own comment. Notice I did not join in. You gleaned whatever you wanted to, based on your painful history. Healthy people don’t do that. Just admit you were wrong here, apologize and move on. I’m not people who attacked he… Go find ways to marginalize those people— not me. I’m sorry that you’ve had a tough time with nasty relatives. I’m not your relative. Go talk to them. Go minimize them.
Therapy is healing. Posting random and nullifying comments on social media is not. Notice I never attacked you, belittled you for your gender, or threw your race back at you. I’m a healed person. You obviously need healing too. Rather than go on and on, I’ll just leave this here. Jun 9, 2015 4:34pm
Calvin: Your comment: “I think Bella Tweeter needs therapy” came across as mean and callous. It was insulting to Bella. It is the way you said what you said that made me write in defense. You came across as mean and unthinking by leaving a one-liner.
I absolutely know therapy is healing! Been in therapy to straighten out the hate spewed at me by my screwed up families. I don’t have to minimize my relatives – they did that to me. All I need to do is separate myself from them and never let them back into my life again. They are the abusers. Both adoptive and natural family. I have no use for relatives who mistreated me. They are out of my life for good. I have only positive people in my life now.
You and others may not understand what I write here. I have bee an adoptee rights activist and defender of mothers of adoption loss for 41 years. I know my stuff, more than the average person.
The reason I brought up slavery is to show the parallels between slavery and adoption. Both are methods of human trafficking. Both are horrendous crimes against the people who are trafficked and owned buy other humans.
We ended slavery, but continue to supply the babies of vulnerable women to wealthy couples who covet the children of others. And then, as witnessed by some commenters here, some people complain that “these women” freely give away their children to adoption without a care in the world, which, is of course, not true for all cases. As I’ve stated in another comment, during the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s, mothers were chained to beds while giving birth. Their babies were stolen at the moment of birth and sold into adoption. Today, mothers are convinced that they are inferior and cannot be good parents to their babies. Adoption agencies make their money, big money, in the baby-trade business. Those are facts.
Adoption agencies also convince young mothers that they do not have to tell the father that they are relinquishing his child to adoption. I, and other activists, defend those fathers to get their babies back from illegal adoptions. But adoptive parents are selfish. They ignore fathers rights and push the adoptions through because they want the baby. This is human trafficking. Jun 10, 2015 11:42am
Joan Mary Wheeler, You interpret things the way you see things. If you see (black) men as mean and calloused, then that is the perspective in which you siphon what is said. Seeing as to how much prejudice and bias is tearing this country apart, it would behoove you to err on the side of grace, not accusation.
I don’t care about your relatives. That’s your problem. Discuss it in therapy. I don’t care about your causes. Those are your issues. Discuss it in therapy. I don’t want to talk to you about slavery. Discuss it with your therapist. I don’t care about other commenters. Discuss it with them. I don’t care what you think about adoptive parents. I don’t care about your other comments. I started my own comment and you attacked me for things out of my control: being black and being a man. I never attacked anyone. You attacked me on my comment because of your ugly bias and ignorance AND you stigmatized mental health.
I do care about the fact that you have continued to spit your vitrol and attack me here over and over. If I belittled your opinion out the gate because you’re a woman, I’d have dozens of people attacking me, and rightfully so. That’s not right, Joan. The fact that you keep on harping and harping makes YOU the abuser here.· Jun 10, 2015 4:10pm · Edited
I never said I see black men as mean and callous. Those are your words. I brought up slavery to point out the parallels between slavery and modern adoption.
You came on here, left a one-liner comment that marginalized a woman who lost her child to adoption. All of her statements on here are valid – I know because I know hundreds of women in her shoes. Yes, women who lose their children to adoption do suffer the rest of their lives and do need therapy, but that does not give you the right to leave a one-liner snide comment that wreaked of put-down rather than compassion. Since I have more experience in adoption reform that you do (you have none) I spoke up in her defense.
Since adoption has life-long detrimental affects on both the relinquishing parent and on the adoptee, that is proof that the institute of adoption needs to be abolished. Just as slavery was abolished. Human trafficking – taking the babies of the poor to redistribute to the rich – is a system of abuse that benefits the adoptive parents. Adoptees who do not yet know how adoption will affect them throughout their lifetimes, often times are “happy and “well-adjusted”. Until something happens. The rest of us, I guess, are not well-adjusted, according to popular opinion here.
You can have your opinion that I am the attacker. Let the readers decide. Jun 11, 2015 1:40pm
LMAOOOOO, Lady— you don’t know what I have experience in! And there are no readers, ha! No one is reading this thread but you and I and you aren’t woman enough to apologize to me. Keep trolling for likes and spilling your guts on social media, though. Good luck. Jun 15, 2015 7:10pm
I have been an adoptee rights activist for 41 years. I know my stuff, big boy. Get a life. i got mine. And mine involves telling the truth about adoption. Which is what the activists have done on this site. · Jun 16, 2015 8:33pm
Not every “birth” mother wants to be a mother. For anyone who thinks each and every birth mother is sobbing every day you are SO WRONG! There are those who don’t look back and could not be happier with their decision. So how about quitting with the attempted little guilt trips some of you are spouting off about, it’s ridiculous and just highlights the big chip on your shoulder. Jun 8, 2015 10:10am
I dare you to show up at a four-day adoption conference filled with adoptees and mothers of adoption loss. It is YOU Sonia who have an entitlement chip on your shoulder. I am a social worker and have worked with mothers in a homeless shelter. One mother’s three children were removed from her care because she did not have emotional awareness to care for them. There are mothers and fathers who only care about themselves because they haven’t been taught how to care for themselves let alone their own child, they have poor parenting skills, or have severe mental illness. I’ve worked with these people, too. To be a social worker means that one needs to have empathy for other humans. You, Sonia, only care about yourself. You sound like a self-centered woman who believes another woman owes you her child. Jun 8, 2015 11:51pm · Edited
Joan Mary Wheeler So are you saying every woman wants to be a mother and a good one? LOL really? Hmmm….I wonder how all of those children that are abused, abandoned and killed by their mothers would feel about that statement. I wonder if they would agree with you? Jun 8, 2015 2:53pm
Joan Mary Wheeler OH and I HAVE been to adoption conferences, last November actually. And yes, I DO know about what happens to children, both good and bad. You seem to be under the misguided idea that everyone is good, at least all women are. You feel that all women are sweet, kind and motherly. Not so, and the fact that you are making such a broad and general blanket term about an entire gender tells me that I am wasting my time with you. Good day. Jun 8, 2015 2:56pm
So Sonia, it’s only mothers who don’t want to be mothers who give away their children? It’s only mothers who can’t be ‘good’ mothers who give away their children? There are so many mothers out there who ‘don’t look back’ and are actually ‘happy’ with giving away their children? What planet do you live on? While not every mother wants to be a mother, but those that are ALL want to be good ones. Some can, some can’t… why is that even relevant to the adoption industry? Oh, that’s right, it’s the evil, abusive, mentally ill, poor mothers who have little power who can be coerced into relinquishing. Show me a thrilled mother who has lost a child to adoption and hasn’t looked back, and I’ll show you you’re a liar. Stop perpetuating the myth that the dysfunctional mothers are those who relinquish. Clearly you had your blindfold and ear plugs in when you went to the adoption conference. Jun 8, 2015 9:18pm
Sonia Silveroli How many adoptees are killed by their adoptive parents? Too many. And no, I did not say that all woman are good and sweet. You are the entitled self-centered woman who came on here to insult mothers of adoption loss. I defended them. What kind of adoption conference did you attend? American Adoption Conference filled with adoption reform activists? Or one filled with baby-hungry adoptive parents, pre-adoptive parents and adoption agencies? Jun 8, 2015 11:16pm · Edited
Joan would NEVER be able to speak, in person, to anyone, the way she does ON LINE! Because of one, she’s a coward, and two…she’d get a punch in the face!
THAT’S ALL FOLKS! For now that is…for Joan will ALWAYS BE BACK
Found on Amazon’s Customer Discussions
Joan Mary Wheeler forum
the difference between bothering a person and writing about a sales product
Initial post: Apr 10, 2016 7:25:19 AM PDT
Ruth Pace says:
in a facebook discussion the author says this about her ‘older sisters’:
“You can see my older sisters’ harassment and slander and libel on my Amazon page. They found me in 1974, and I soon found out that they are crazy, very dysfunctional, and will not leave me alone. All 4 of my parents are now deceased. You can read the whole story in my memoir: Forbidden Family: My Life as an Adoptee Duped by Adoption.”
The discussion here is about THE BOOK – not a person. I have said that due to my sending actual police and court documents about certain passages in the first edition of THIS BOOK, that proved that the author LIBELED me…
View original post 934 more words
she just doesn’t get that she isn’t helping herself or her cause
She herself says that she is ‘more’ a writer than a speaker! She has been all over the Internet for years now, giving her opinions on the subject of the evils of adoption and her birth siblings, so why doesn’t she have her own column? Don’t you THINK that she, in all her great and wonderful wisdoms, would be a perfect writer for Huffington Post!?
Ah…but there’s a problem with Joan’s form of writing!
I’ve posted in the past, and no doubt will post again, examples of Joan’s ‘writing’ comments and the reactions that happen, or don’t happen, and it’s NOT a pretty sight to read!
This post asks the question – Why do certain comments, that Joan writes, DO NOT get posted on some news stories? The answer; because she’s too insulting to people!
And an addition item here, Joan has a new puppet! She has had, in the…
View original post 536 more words
This post is really long because, to understand it, there is no way out of presenting all the ‘drama’! It is an interesting look at how Joan’s anger and hatred are NOT compatible with how a SOCIAL WORKER ought to be. Joan can NOT be impersonal and help another. A ‘degree’ in social work does NOT equal being a good social worker.
This post is from 2010 when her first book was just a year out. It was pulled from publication due to libelous materials within, by the publisher, in 2011. In 2015, she ‘self-published’ it again with addition libelous materials. See end of this post for updated LINKS to see more about that.
I’m presenting Joan’s comments BEFORE the long post from a person asking for some advise. This was on the Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change. I captured it long ago, only now getting to it and have no way of knowing if the post can be accessed; doesn’t matter for it’s HERE.
The ‘thread’ was in November 2010 where a ‘grandma’ asked the ‘adult adoptees’ their opinions on her situation. Those that answered ‘grandma‘ are a Molly Bloom, Mara, and 1adoptee (Joan Wheeler). You will see, via the times posted, which I present below, how 1adoptee just worked herself up and up, into a tissie, over night and into the next day! And as she does, she shows the world just what kind of a social worker she is.
November 13, 2010, 06:38:06 PM
November 13, 2010, 07:18:35 PM
November 14, 2010, 01:01:33 AM
November 14, 2010, 01:22:58 AM
November 14, 2010, 09:53:49 AM
November 14, 2010, 03:24:21 PM
Joan’s a mad dog unwilling to let go of her precious BONE! Joan’s use of sarcasm doesn’t really work, mainly because she is so mad that she confuses her ‘madness’ with being sarcastic! She writes what’s in her head, which is not based on any conversational protocol, so it comes out all wrong, insulting and confusing.
Remember this grandma is looking for some ‘enlightenment’ on some important issues. Unfortunately all this well-meaning grandmother got was bullshit and more heartache. Molly Brown’s comment seems to be tempered but Mara’s just sets the stage for 1adoptee to let all her hate and anger out! The dynamic couple those two are! All misspelling are Joan’s, she’s so mad that she doesn’t take ‘care’ to present her argument with any proofreading.
I will highlight certain statements of Joan (1adoptee), to show how she ‘helps’ this person, by placing them in bold.
Here are the responses to grandma…
Molly Bloom said:
That child will be better off with family. Period. You’re wise to seek out the advice of those who have lived through this. I don’t care what the circumstances are, the child needs a connection to biology, especially if the child ends up with any health issues. You didn’t say how far along your daughter is. At some point, I would suggest you slip her a copy of The Primal Wound. If that book doesn’t have some kind of impact, then nothing will. And if she is in the early stages of pregnancy, perhaps she hasn’t let the whole thing become a reality yet. It would be hard as a child to be raised by grandparents. However, when that child looks into the loving eyes of a family member, it will be much better than looking into the eyes that do not reflect it’s heritage, genetics and biology. Life is hard, but biological love is precious. I’m sure others here will give you their opinions as well. I had wonderful adoptive parents, but for all that, I had a stellar lack in my life. If she continues talking to these potential adopters, and she is unmoveable, she needs to focus on the mother. I would suggest she push this woman’s buttons and see what happens. Very often, the adoptive mothers are adopting for their own needs, not for the need of the child. I would try to see what this woman is really made up of.
Have your daughter come HERE and ask us. We’ll tell her exactly what she doesn’t want to hear. She is making the worst mistake of her life and her baby’s life. :bitebullet: She should also visit “First Mother Forum” and “Family Preservation” websites to hear from first-mom’s on the REALITY of surrendering a child for adoption and the toll it takes on Moms and US. (Even waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the future when her baby has grown into an adult.) Does she know her baby’s birth certificate will be sealed FOREVER? :xplode:
and now Joan Wheeler, 1adoptee, says….
Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 13, 2010, 06:38:06 PM
Mara’s mention of the sealed birth certificate needs some expansion. Do you and your daughter know that once a child is adopted that her birth certificate is sealed and a new one is issued to replace it? That means: the real birth certifcate is placed under governement seal and a new, amended, falsified birth certificate is issued with the child’s new name and new parents are named giving the impression that the chid was born to the parents.
Do you understand that adoption means that the relinquished child will forever have a changed identity? And that the mother who actuall gave birthh will not be recognized as the child’s true mother? The motheher giving birth will not receive a birth certifcate for the child she just gave birth to — ever. The father of the child will not receive a copy of his child’s birth certificate and he will not be the child’s legal father, with or wihtout a paternity test — ever. The natural family ceases to exist once a baby is relinquished and then adopted. However, the child may be raised in foster care, in which case, if never adopted, but only relinquished, the natural parents do not have legal rights to their child, but the child’s right to the true birth certifcate remains intact. And no legal name change is done.
Speaking as an adoptee who has my original birth certificate (because it was made part of the exchange – given to my adoptive parents when they got me) I can tell you that that is quite a shock: to see your name and birth and to see the falsified birth certifcate side by side. Don’t do it.Identity confusion is not worth the “benefits” of being adopted. And I don’t think there are benefits to being adotped either. If it did think that adoption was a special happy alternative, I would not be here at this board.
Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 13, 2010, 07:18:35 PM
I’m mad as hell and can’t take it anymore! Since when do all the problems you bring up (because your daughter isn’t using her wise mind) make it alright to get rid of her baby? Sellfish idea, totally selfish. A mother is a mother. Deal with it. Tell her to deal with it. Be responsible. She’s pregnant. Many women are paniced when pregnant. Open adoption does not work. There will be no such thing because the verbal contract is just that – verbal. It is not a guarenteed legal arrangement for visitation at all. And adoptees from these types of arrangements do feel given away anyway. Abandonment is there, period. The adoptee gets the short end of the stick in all adoptions. Period. Even the blissfully happy adoptees are brainwashed to beleive they are happy.
You adopt your grandchild? Talk about fucking with the kid’s head…My grandma is my mother and my mother is my sister. …and then the birth certificate issue again… If anything at all, temporarily place the newborn in a legal guardianship with you or someone in the family. Legal guardianship will not result in the child’s birth certificate being sealed and falsified and all family relationships will be legally honored and visitation can be legally enforced.
Biological inherited problems: Deal with them. That’s called life. My daughter was becoming a dwarf in early childhood. I did not give her away because of that. I took her to a doctor and now she is a normal height young adult because she takes hormones every day for the rest of her life. Coping with inherited conditions is what responsible parents do all the time. It causes hardships and drains the family, but we don’t run from our problems by getting rid of the kid with those medical and mental health issues.
If your daughter enters into labor by refusing to see and hold her own child, she will experience birthing problems and the child could go into distress and die. And, the delivering mother could die from the stress. Nurses will be there and help her. Birthing is a natural experience and she will feel better seeing and touching her baby. Her breasts will have milk and the natural process will not stop. After birth contractions are painful. Your daughter has a lot to prepare for, giving up her baby is not going to give her relief from the agony she is buildinng up in her head. Give her a book with pictures of her unborn baby and she will see the beauty that is developing inside her. Nine months should be cherished. Some day she will regret not taking the time to love and feel her baby now.
Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 01:01:33 AM
I come from a closed adoption, but have done advocacy here in my community. Twenty years ago I was at a tabeling event for adoption information, bringing info on an adoptees’ support group. I attended a session given by an attorney who was telling pre-adoptive parents how to advertise to adopt a pregnant girl’s baby. Fast-forward to today. That attorney now works for an open adoption agency in an upscale neighborhood. She talks pregnat girls out of their babies for a living. Yes,, the agency prides itself on being an open adoption agency. They might give you all the “statistics” you want. Also, I know from other people who have counseled these pregnant girls that these girls go back numerouos times to relinquish their next baby and their baby after that one…to open adoption because it is much easier to get rid of their baby than to actually rasise the kid themselves. All ahppy-happy-horseshit-happy, until one day these childless mothers wake up to realize that someone else is their child’s mother and they fell for the bullshit. Pictures anyone? Let’s just call her Jane or Auntie Jane, Mommie is right here, now go home Jane.
A friend of mine relinquished her daughter to an open adoption in Florida. The adoptive parents played nice for the first few months, then they ran, They moved, changed their phone number, and my friend never saw her daughter again. The girl is now about 15 years old. My friend has secondary infertility, a medicall condition in which a woman can not get pregnant after the birth of child that was relinquished. The body shut down due to grief. My friend terminated our friendship because I am an adotpee and she can’t be near me because of the reminders of her lost child.
Here’s the info: happy dialing! I’m in the Buffalo, New York area, so Williamsville is just up the street. Call and talk to Flory because she’s the one who talks pregnant girls out of their babies. She’s been doing it for decades and is a real pro — proud to do it!
And yes, they even have happy adoptees on staff! Happy to be adopted and happy to be involved in separating natural families for a living! Zack Fried is the adopted son of Michelle Fried, both are employees. (see the staff page) Christian Eshelman is a bi-racial adoptee who is also on staff. (see the contract staff page) http://www.adoptionstar.com/ Adoption Star A non-profit child placing agency (Attorney: Flory Herman) 47 Plaza Drive Williamsville, New York 14221 Phone: 716-639-3900 Fax: 716-639-3700 1040 Bayview Drive, Suite 318 Fort Lauderdale, FL 33304 Phone: 954-566-6055 Fax: 954-566-6255 11918 Foxgate Way Cincinnati, OH 45140 Phone: 513-631-6590 You may also reach Adoption S.T.A.R. at these numbers: Toll-Free for birth parents and birth parent referrals only: 1-866-691-3300</STRONG 716-639-3900 * 954-566-6055 585-672-5227 * 917-470-9340 518-391-2515 * 315-703-7511 607-330-2158 * 845-457-4883 513-631-6590 * 216-201-9177 305-433-8531
Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 01:22:58 AM
PS – they don’t like me very much at Adoption Star, so don’t say I referred you!
But hey, they’ll talk up the good aspects of open adoption, but they will not tell you what we’ve told you because they do not want to hear the truth by the victims of what they do.
Keep in mind that every adoption produces a child with a sealed birth certificate and a falsified birth certifcate. Intentional separation of a mother from her baby for the business of adoption is purely evil, in my opinion. The destruction of the birth certificate and creation of a new one signifies ownership of that adoptee. And creates life-long identity confusion and pain for the adoptee. No one in the adoption business will admit to that.
Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 09:53:49 AM
No matter how sincere an adoptive parent is about keeping the records open, by law, the birth records and the aadoption records are sealed shut and a new, falsified birth certifcate is produced for each and every adoptee in America. This happens even in open records states that never closed their records. Do you understand?
Evene when the records are open and free for inspection, an adoptee is always subjected to a new and falsified birth certifciate. There are varying degrees of openness for adoption records, but most of the court documents are automatically sealed and cannot be opened. open adoption, even the best ones, do not prevent the adoptee from being taken legally from one identity to another and with false birth certificate to prove that she or he was born to two parents who actually are parents by legal adoption.
If your daughter goes ahead with an open adoption thinking that is the best plan of action, she is still causing damage to her child because of the birth certificate and adoption record issues. No, adoptive parents cannot keep the records open. The laws govern these proceses and no amount of pleading to keep records open or not to change the name will do anything. The fact remains: we must change the laws to protect all adoptees. Australia has dramatically decreased the number of adoptions per year. It used to be in the hundreds of thousands, like America, but now only about 40 adoptions in the entire country of Australia are done. WHy? Because they recognize the valuable relationship between a mother and her child and the birthright of every child.
We don’t care in America. The first thing that is thought of when there is a frightened pregnant girl is “I can just give this baby awssay” and go back to leading my life. Wrong. We are such an adoption-centered culture tht the ramifications of adoption rarely get air time.
All the emotional and legal issues must be considered, especially the identity changes for the adoptee. That is child abuse at it’s worst. Changing the name and parents of a child changes the psychie of that child. An adoptee lives with this deep inside and feels it, is set apart from everyone else, is ridiculed for being adopted. Ever here anyone cuss out bastaards? Well, adoptees hear that and internalize the cussing. That is why the new birth certificate was invented to give the adoptee a new start in life with two new parents and the old bastard self is washed away via being born again through adoption. That was the belief back in 1930, but we are living proof that did not work.
Temporary legal guardianship will give the child a stable home to live in while the parents get their act together. Legal guardianship will keep the birth certificate intact and keep all relationships intact and will give legal visitation and enforce visittion as well. There is no need to give away parental rights in an open adoption when there is a better solution: guardianship.. Keep the baby in your family so that when your daughter can pull her self together, the baby will still be there. And, from the baby’s point of view, Mommie will still be there. Maybe Daddy, too.
Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 03:24:21 PM
Quote: Your grandbaby is lucky to have such a loving grandma. Yes!
The attorney I named in a post earlier was terribly mean to the unmarried natural parents of a baby brought over from Pennsylvania into New York State by her. She procured the baby immediately after birth and fought all the way for several years iin court. The baby’s grandmother fought with everything she had to keep the baby with her daughter, the child’s natural mother, but the attorney won. The baby was adopted by a wealthier couple just a few miles from me. Myself and a few others from our adoption support group (doesn’t exist anymore) fought in court and testified on behalf for the baby and the natural parents. We lost. Baby brokers won. But that grandmother had the guts that you have! Kuddos to you!!! :grlclap:
end of rant…
AND HERE IS THE LONG POST BY GRANDMA
Title: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Nov, 2010 Grandma:
I’m a non-adoptee – I joined because I want to ask people who’ve lived this situation for their input. I hope that’s okay. And I hope you’ll pardon the really long post. Thanks.
My daughter is pregnant – she and boyfriend used BC, tried to be responsible, but this determined-to-be alive little person is now growing inside of her (really, really long odds on this one). She’s terrified, angry, and I think working really hard to repress any of the positive emotions, like awe, joy, and love for this baby. Now and then I see them surface, but lately she won’t even allow herself to admit them. She resents that nature and biology are taking over her body and her life and changing everything. (No I don’t expect you all to feel sorry for her – just saying – she’s on an emotional roller coaster.)
She said she planned to place her child for an open adoption, be a visitor in his life, be honest with him from the start about his adoption. I wasn’t happy to hear my first grandbaby might be “given away,” but legally, I get no say in this. However, I started reading about adoption law, and the experiences of adoptees, and became more and more distressed.
Her dad and I have offered her financial and all other necessary support if she chooses to keep this baby, and I have offered to adopt him myself, and her dad to pay child support to help me (we aren’t together). Her step dad is less enthused about this, and she knows that, and it’s a problem. He’s told her he would promise to be the best dad he could, but he won’t lie and say he’s just crazy about taking on the raising of an infant at 50-something.
She thinks that finding a couple who has wanted a baby for years and is totally prepared to adopt is a better option. She insists she doesn’t want to be a mother, and says she’d feel she was burdening us, being irresponsible for dumping her baby on her parents, ruining our lives, threatening our healths, and says that friends who were raised by their grandparents have expressed more unhappiness with this than friends she knows who were adopted by non-biological parents. She’s afraid having the baby in the family would make it hard for her to be around her family, or being around the baby would make her want to stay and be his mother after all (which she’s determined not to want, even if she wants it).
Does anyone get adopted by truly loving people who adopt because they want to love a child, raise it as their own, and then really do just that? Do some adoptees have positive experiences from this? Would it be more likely to be a good thing if the adoption is open, and the birthmother visits and is there to try to explain her reasons? If the extended biological family is there saying “We love you and wanted you and are here for you, always, so you have both your adopted parents AND all of us.”?
Given that the law doesn’t protect the agreement to keep the adoption open, what are the chances really of this continuing? Anyone know any valid sources of data on how many adoptive parents honor those non-binding agreements? The couple she’s been considering seems stable. They have strong family ties that go several generations back in the community, they have good educations, are financially stable, and have chosen to seek an open adoption deliberately, since current thinking is that this is better for the child. They seem like really nice folks. Of course, we don’t know them. At all. My daughter says she has really good intuition and will get to know them before deciding. I pointed out I wouldn’t ever consider marrying someone I’d known only 4-5 months, and I’m an adult who can fend for myself.
I’m trying to get her to consider all the possibilities and options. She sees this as criticism of her well-thought out and well-intentioned plan, and pressure to do something that does not feel as intuitively and logically right to her. I’m trying to ask her to think critically and not trust too much in strangers (especially those who really want something from her, or stand to make $10’s of thousands of dollars from her signing relinquishment papers). She thinks I have trust issues. I tell her I have life experience. I want her to think about not just what she wants right now, but what she and this child will want/need in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. She wants me to back off, shut up, quit creating doubt and fear, and just be supportive of her choice.
I think part of her reasoning is coming from fear that her boyfriend will be very unhappy and/or leave her if she keeps the baby, or even allows it to stay in her family (where it seems to pose more of a threat of becoming a permanent part of her/their lives). I think this is one of the worst reasons a woman can have for making this decision – and it’s possibly one of the most frequent reasons women make this choice. I’ve tried telling her that the bond with her child will be the one that lasts a lifetime – the romantic ones are more likely to come and go. This isn’t something she wants to hear.
I’m still thinking that the reality of this child may change her mind. She’s already planning how to protect herself against allowing that to happen – saying she may refuse to hold the baby, or breast feed it, or be in the room with it after it’s born. I favor allowing herself to REALLY take the chance – hold it, feed it, sleep next to it. KNOW what it is she’s giving up before deciding what she really wants to do, and not allow fear to direct her to make the choice out of deliberately self-imposed ignorance.
Given that I have no legal rights, and only the option of offering my advice and opinions IF I don’t alienate my daughter to the extent that she won’t see or speak to me: Do I shut up, back off, and allow it all to unfold as it will? Keep trying, and hope she hears me and doesn’t feel unsupported, judged, and shut me out? I want her to know I and her family love her and will continue, always, to love her. I want her not to break her own, her child’s, and her extended family’s hearts. I lack a crystal ball and the ability to see how each choice she could make will turn out. For all I know, she’s right, and the child’s best and happiest life is with this yearning couple with the nice house and nursery all planned out, and they’ll welcome us into their lives and we’ll all live happily ever after. WTF do I know? How do I find out? My daughter had some diagnoses of neurologic issues (Tourette’s, ADD, dysgraphia, and “rages”). She’s learned to deal with all these and does pretty well — most people she meets would not guess at any of this. The most problematic seem to be the ADD and dysgraphia – makes it really hard to do well in school and to get/hold jobs. She has chosen not to request accommodations and be “labeled” now that she’s at an age to make that decision for herself. Her boyfriend has autoimmune issues that drastically affect his diet, and these were/are(?) life-threatening. I believe he’s still on medication for this, and if so, I know it’s quite expensive. These traits could be inherited, though they won’t necessarily be. Both parents have above-average intelligence. I’m not objective, but I know what her IQ scores were, and I’ve talked with him and his parents – really, they’re incredibly bright, and generally kind, empathetic, good kids, creative people. These facts contribute to their desire NOT to have procreated. They didn’t want to share their genetic material with offspring. They were planning not to. And these contribute to my daughter’s doubts about her fitness to parent. If the child inherits neuro or autoimmune disorders, though, and is a “special needs” child, how will that impact an adoptive parent’s ability to accept, provide for, and love this child? I know special needs kids are more often victims of abuse than “mainstream” kids. Any idea how much greater the risk is with adoption? Maybe more unanswerable: Assuming the child inherits some of these – is it better to be raised by someone who also has these genetic issues (and is familiar with them, sensitive to them, understands the reality of them) or someone who doesn’t have them, but has been told all about them? Might someone without those issues themselves provide a more stable environment? If the child is born without any of these issues, then … same questions. Better to be raised by parents who also don’t have those issues? Or better to stay with mom/dad or biologic family? Is biologic extended family necessarily better or worse than non-related adoptive parents? Thanks in advance for your insights. “Grandma”
UPDATE, JUNE 2016, links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ another ‘revised’ version. In this ‘version’ called ‘duped by adoption’ she has increased her exploitation by including PICTURES and REAL NAMES and much more personal information violating again the families. Joan has no decency NOR shame. There is NOTHING in this book for adoption reform. She is totally against adoption and her two families. To learn more see…
The following blog post was looked at today…so I added an update and shared it widely.
what shall her next act be???
and here is the current situation
just another means to exploit the birth family