Plenty of Lies, told by Joan Wheeler, part two
Back to the book and the ‘reunion of 92’… so having arrived at Ruth’s, for a visit with Ruth and me, Joan tells us, in the book, that ‘…because she was the baby of the family, now 36, she had no choice but to listen to their authority…’ What bullshit! It was and is all in her head! And the lies keep coming and her indignation is overflowing!
Her account of my life, at that time, is again not accurate. No I was not a secretary, but a Dental Assistant working for the Department of Defense. And I was not just a ‘…self-taught practitioner of a Teutonic, pan-pagan Germanic religion…worked on Elder Thesis, though she wasn’t studying in college or university…’ What Joan apparently doesn’t know is that one does not have to physically attend a building complex called college or university, to have recognition in a field of study, that’s like saying the only place one finds god is in a church building. There are ‘mentorships’ and correspondence courses and yes self-study, and all are well-established recognized methods of learning. I studied under mentorships with two PhDs as well as with a well-known and well-versed amateur scholar in the subject. I also was an administrator for a correspondence school in the subject!
In Joan’s ranting and raving in the book, she shows that she does not understand the normal phrases of womanhood. Because of her unhealthy relationship with her adoptive mother, she doesn’t know that it is right and normal for a woman to be glad when her children grow up and leave home and she is then able to pursue her own interests and passions. At the time of this visit I was 45, no children at home, no husband, I was free and I didn’t do children and don’t have time for game playing of any kind. As I write this, in 2011, I am still free, have 7 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchild and still ‘don’t do kids’, none of them live anywhere near me and I like it that way! I have had and will continue to have more of a life than raising and worrying about my children. I wonder how Joan is doing with her own grown children? Does she want them around her, does she run their lives? Co-dependency! (ruth’s note: Joan’s son got the hell away from her, unfortunately, her daughter is under Joan’s thumb. Despite her saying to me in our facebook exchange in Nov. 2009, where she says “don’t I deserve a life of my own?” Joan’s daughter is FORCED by Joan TO WORK TWO JOBS TO SUPPORTJOAN AND HERSELF BECAUSE JOAN IS TOO DAM LAZY TO GET A JOB! – please see my comment below)
Joan not only doesn’t understand me she continues to cling to many of the falsehoods she created about me. Pg 301 has Joan again insisting that I was the sister ‘…who felt so devastated when momma died that she had to be the ‘Little Mother’ herself at age 9 and keep track of all of us…seems all the mothering had been let out of her heart…’ Falsehood! Good God! What kind of crab is this about? Sounds like Dorothy speak! I’ve already told how it was when I was 9 living with my grandmother. I was a child, had nothing to say about where I was or where any sibling was let alone being a little mother. What bullshit! Where in the hell did she ever come up with that nonsense! She then says again, because she wants to continue to paint a particular picture of me, that I(Gert) ‘…got pregnant at 17, married the 16-year-old father to get out of living in a foster home and dealing with our father and stepmother…’ Falsehood! Again, please see post link as stated in part one of this post! I was 18 and had already moved from foster home back with my father who was not married at that time but a widower and the father of the baby was 17. Joan doesn’t have her facts straight, never has her facts straight and repeats her lies to prove that I, Gert, am such a bad person. Reality was that when I was a senior in high school, I wasn’t trying to get out of anything; it was just the right time to go and the right time for me to get married, but Joan never understood that.
Joan doesn’t know what I mean by the statement ‘I don’t do kids anymore’, it’s called another chapter in my life, one that doesn’t contain children. She says that I showed her pictures of my son’s children, in Germany, but she neglects to mention my daughter’s children. What gives there? Does that mean I didn’t mention my own daughter and her children? Or was it that Joan didn’t want to bring it up, in the book, and why not? Did she think I was not seeing or speaking to my daughter? If she did think that its not true. Joan’ writings show her mindset and possibly Dorothy’s. To their minds…I disowned my daughter because of events of 1982 when Joan, as she writes about it, my daughter was ‘taken away from me’ but in reality it was I who placed my daughter in foster care. Truth is Joan NEVER knew what happened to my family AFTER she interfered in my family affairs, for I disowned Joan! So…she can only offer conjecture and her own ‘view’ as to what my relationships with my children were in 1992.
On pg 301, Joan said, about herself, that she ‘…felt as if I should explain everything and apologize for my very existence…’ Truth is she never spoke about what ever she was feeling; she never does. And why would she need to apologize for her very existence? Sounds to me like she has some serious internal problems and is just projecting them onto us.
She then ‘…worried that Gert held hard feelings for me for reporting her daughter’s fears to the child protection authorities in 81…that she held it against me because her daughter was removed from the home and placed in foster care…’ Falsehoods! See what I mean!! Here she states that my child was removed and that falsehood is ALL Joan believes! As I have stated, Joan called child abuse on me after I made the request to the court for my daughter to go into foster care after Joan interfered with my family and harbored a runaway minor. Did I have hard feelings? Of course, but truth again, she and I never spoke about any of this. At the park I didn’t mention the problems in particular, I had expressed that my feelings, at that time, were one of reconciliation, but Joan doesn’t understand what ever is said to her, at any given moment. While the current life moment is happening Joan’s mind is working on how she will present it, in this book of lies. Joan also is always on the lookout for everyone to be ‘out to get her’.
She continues on ‘…Gert wasn’t concerned…her daughter and 2nd husband weren’t at issue anymore, she divorced him…’ Well yes! But divorce does not mean the end of the world, it’s called moving on with life. What was I suppose to do? Live with hate and anger everyday of my life….like Joan does? Again, this proves that in 1992 Joan’s mindset was set in concrete as to ‘what Gert was thinking’ and if Gert wasn’t thinking the way Joan expected then obviously there is something very wrong with Gert.
As it happens not only do I have good adult relationships with both my children I also have a continued friendship of 30+ years with my ex-husband! Then she claims I said I was ‘…in love with the leader of her new religion and they were going to be married soon…’ What True Romance magazine does Joan read? That was never was said! Certainly I cared for the man, still do for that matter, our friendship is over 25 years long! Marriage was never in the picture…our relationship revolved around a religious vocation…something Joan can’t possibly UNDERSTAND. Joan obviously has no idea how real people live, have deep relationships that are meaningful, with or without marriage or children. Children grow up; parents have their own lives back, to live as they wish, they have relationships with the opposite sex without any need for marriage! Currently, while I maintain good friendships with both my ex-husband and my former ‘mentor’ I am in a 13 year relationship where NO marriage is wanted nor needed.
Joan then goes on about Ruth and her life, most of it full of falsehoods and Joanisms, but I will let Ruth address them herself.
Joan continues writing about this visit; she gets to tell her stories about what she has been up to; adoption writing etc. We have heard it all before and yes it doesn’t mean anything more to us, give it a rest already, so yes we were not interested, then or now. As usual, when anyone attempts to give solid advise to Joan all she hears is criticism. Then she twists what is actually said, and meant, into what she thinks is being said and meant. How her mind processes things is never what the other person has said. There is no way I would have said the many things she says I did on pg 303 for the simple fact that I was gone for 10 years, had no idea how her husband looked, how she lived her life, what activities she was in, what marches she was at or any other thing she mentions on pg 304 and no I did not gossip with Ruth about her, for I was not speaking with Ruth for years! Ruth and I were just in the process of reconciling OUR relationship, in 1992, and Joan was NOT part of that! The world does not revolve around Joan Wheeler.
Were Ruth and I ‘…jealous of her for staying home with children…’ NO. Did we want her to get ‘…a divorce, put my children in foster care…like our father did…or maybe they thought I should give up my children for adoption so I could be a productive citizen…’ Just where do any these thoughts come from? Certainly not from me. I never had any type of discussion of that sort with Joan, then or at any time. It does seem to me that all this criticism that Joan has her sisters say could easily have come from her adoptive mother Dorothy because it has all the hallmarks of Dorothy speak!
Later, in Joan’s narrative, after Joan returns home, Dorothy herself speaks to Joan informing her that Joan must tell her father ‘…I’m worth something…’ Dorothy tells Joan to ‘…go right ahead…he’s got nerve boasting about his other kids…you go and straighten this out…I’ll take care of his grandkids for him…’ Wait a moment here! Let’s not forget the fact here, even though Joan doesn’t report it in the book, she had already phoned Dad the night before and he would not speak with her, so she will now go in person, now that she has the courage from Dorothy. Joan has just ‘set herself up’, on purpose.
But of course we must have more drama! ‘…he didn’t let me in…stood in hallway just six inches from the open door.’ Isn’t that dramatic! It is true that Dad told her that he had nothing to say to her, he has told her before, that she is NOT to cause disruptions in his household, but she never listens! Instead she insists on having the confrontation and Dad does not do confrontations, he shows you to the door! Get a grip, Joan! No one wants to have dramas like she does; she is a glutton for punishment. She must actually crave punishment because she puts herself in position for it time and again. In her own words she tells us ‘…if he did what I thought he was going to do; it would be the third time since our reunion. Sure enough, Dad took both hands, placed them on my shoulders, turned me around and shoved me out of the doorway. (he said) I told you to get out and I mean it.’ What can anyone say? How many times does a person have to be told to ‘get out’ before they ‘get it’? What makes Joan think that her father, any father, ought to continue to be treated in the ways that she treats him?
‘What did he care if it was shocking or disgusting? He was ready for any compromise, prepared for more degrading humiliations still, if he could only gratify his desire.’ …from Of Human bondage.
Again Joan has failed to tell the whole truth here. Dad did not throw her out just because she came to his door. He did so after she yelled and screamed at him that he and her sisters ‘insulted’ her at the park and told him that my (Gert’s) religion was dangerous and my (Gert’s) mental health was questionable. How do I know this? A witness in the house, who heard the whole confrontation, told us. So Joan, believing no one heard the whole episode, was free to put her own spin on it by inventing the meeting of her two brothers near her car who ‘comforted’ her! I’ve said it before, Dad is like any other person, when he says ‘stop it’ or ‘don’t bother me with this’ he means it. It was something I learned a long time ago. Back home, after the confrontation, Joan’s adoptive mother ‘soothed’ her tears while she wallowed in self-pity and confuses her children.
Pg 308 Joan says that ‘…my sisters wrote harassing letters after our family reunion of 92…’ I certainly don’t know what she is talking about. I never wrote her any letters handwritten or otherwise. I had a computer, was busy with my religious writings and never gave Joan another thought. Again, I believe it is another fiction fueled by Dorothy and put into a fictional letter campaign by Joan to fill pages of this book. Here’s a challenge to Joan; produce these letters and prove that they came from her sisters, for without proof who will really believe you. The words of the letter, pg 308, sounds like Dorothy, same words that came out of Dorothy’s mouth through out this book. Joan continues to spin her tale of her horrible older sisters who ‘…left our older brother, younger brother and step sisters out of the personal attacks on me. Why?…’ First off, as a writer Joan ought to keep ‘relationships’ correct. Her ‘older brother’ is only older to Ruth and her; he is ‘younger brother’ to Kathy and I. Second, it is only in Joan’s perception that it is her ‘older sisters’ that are harassing her, but she is totally wrong. No one is harassing her, because no one cared to hear from her. It is everyone else that wishes that Joan would shut up, for it is Joan who is doing the harassment.
She decides that ‘…my sisters would do anything to prevent me from publishing my life story…they ganged together to destroy my soul so I wouldn’t be a threat to them…sibling rivalry and jealousy…’ Wrong. Personally, as long as Joan kept ‘talking’ about writing a book I didn’t give a damm about anything. It was only after I received my copy of this garbage that I became so angry as to answer it, page by page, on the Internet. I never wrote any letters to Joan or to any organizations and again if there is physical proof of any letter, show it. She says that Joe Soll, director of the Council on Equal Rights in Adoption in NY City received such a letter, then produce it, and prove to everyone that her sisters wrote such a letter! Then Joan says, pg 312, that there were phone calls ‘…my sisters phoned my house morning, noon and night…yelling obscenities…’ Excuse me! Seems to me that she has an adoptive uncle who was doing those things to her so why look at her sisters? What back and forth may have happened between Joan and Ruth in the 90s is, and, has nothing to do with Kathy and I. Kathy lives in England, I live in Watertown NY. We did not write letters nor make phone calls. If Ruth did only she can answer that. Paranoid will get you every time!
Right from the aftermath of the ‘visit of 92’ I went back to my ‘separation and divorce’ with Joan. I wanted nothing to do with her, period. I had been and was extremely busy with my own live and careers and knew not one thing about what was happening with Joan until around 2005 and that was only a brief pleasant phone call which she turned into a harassment episode. It is only now, in 2011, that I am addressing everything about Joan because she has produced a book of lies, falsehoods, and misrepresentations and has sallied many members of my family. She states, pg 309, that she wished to ‘…tell each of my sisters I loved them, that I understood their pain…see their sadness turn to rage and targeted me as the cause of all their pain…’ No, she doesn’t, love us, for if she truly did she wouldn’t have written this garbage.
And where does she get this psycho-babble from….that I understood their pain…see their sadness turn to rage and targeted me as the cause of all their pain? We don’t have any PAIN, nor SADNESS that TURNED TO RAGE, nor did we TARGET her nor any other bullshit babbling! This is pure nonsense! But, hey she was out to sell books!!
What she is speaking is of her own mind and she projects that onto us. We all have attempted to reach her but she will not listen. She only screams harassment. Now she, and the world, can finally hear our side of the story, on the Internet!
What is evil but good tortured by it’s own hunger and thirst? …..Kahlil Gibran
comment by Ruth
This information was confirmed to me by Joan’s ex-husband (who lives in South Carolina) in an email exchange to me in January 2011. Further, he told me that several times during the years past, he has had to call the police up in Tonawanda New York to help his daughter out during altercations with her mother. As a teenager, Joan’s daughter had a problem with “cutting” herself.
I find it rather sad and pitiful that in 2009, this 23 year old woman would be saying to me “don’t I deserve a life of my own?” yet 2 years later, she’s still under Joan’s thumb. My god, at 23 years of age, I was 3 years on my present job (after working for a year and a half somewhere else). At 23, I was with my first husband. At the age of 18, I had MY life of my own. But Joan has obviously terrorized her daughter into thinking she must support her! But on a old anti-adoption rant, Joan was talking about a Korean woman who was going back to Korea to take care of her mother. Joan said something about “is that what an adoptee is for? to take care of the adoptive parent when they’re old?” oh, but hypocritical Joan seems to think her own birth daughter is there to take care of HER.
end part two