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The Hypocrisy of Adoptees – Susan Thompson Underdahl needs to get her own shit together before daring to lecture us!

by on August 26, 2011

updated August 27, 4:30am

On May 6, 2007 Susan was interviewed by Michelle Edmonds on a Toronto radio program called “The Adoption Show.”  – scroll down to May 6, 2007 –– I am going to just go over the main points that I gleaned from this show, then I will dissect it, with MY thoughts and how Susan’s reunion and relationship with her sister compares to my reunion and relationship with Joan Wheeler.

Susan is an adoptee who was reunited with her birth family when she was 25 years old. Her birth mother was an unwed teenage girl, who gave her baby up, but then went on to marry Susan’s birth father and they had three more children, two boys and one girl. The girl was 16 years old when she first met Susan. Susan says that she perceived Susan as a “threat.”

Susan wrote the book “The Other Sister,” as a young adult novel. She says that when she was writing it, she gained an appreciation for the things that her sister probably went through – that Susan was involved with her own stuff at the time of the reunion. The emotions and adjustments that her sister had to make and how she felt.

Susan then says “It’s an issue not really addressed in literature.”

At an adoption conference, Susan conducted a workshop on “Sibling Reaction in Reunion.”  She said that many people wanted to talk about it.

“How do we help with that? People are looking for validation, because it is a healing, needing to be heard. The communication is so vital to talk about these feelings and also to normalize and validate them and to say ‘That’s okay, people feel like that, and it’s okay to feel like that and it’s not wrong.”

Susan says that she gets along with everyone in her birth family, except her birth sister. “My relationship with her remains tumultuous … and at this point (2007) we are estranged. Susan says that it is “temporary” they’ve gone through that before. She understands her sister has 5 kids and is very busy, but “we have trouble connecting. We’ve tried to connect and I think we’re just coming from two different directions. I am regretful, and hopeful.”

Susan then says “You can’t make a person feel a certain way.”

The hostess (Michelle Edmonds) says “adoption does something to the brain – they (adoptive parents) lose all sense of what is normal.” She then describes it as “bizarre and not healthy.” Susan agrees and says it may be a coping mechanism and a “denial of reality.”

Michelle says about the adoptive family not understanding an adoptee’s need to search. “Does it never end? The adoptee is always coddling other people’s feelings. … (she’s had) a lifetime of it.”

Okay, let’s now get my take on all this. – my thoughts in purple.

Susan wrote the book “The Other Sister,” as a young adult novel

Ruth: Susan wrote her book as fiction. Joan wrote hers as non-fiction. Well, not exactly. The book contains many lies, many fabrications – so much so that the end product is NOT truthful – hence, Joan’s book should rightfully be called FICTION. Only Joan keeps insisting it is the truth – even after I have supplied actual court documents and written letters (some by Joan herself) that tell the truth of the events in her book. Those papers were scanned and posted on my blog.

She says that when she was writing it, she gained an appreciation for the things that her sister probably went through – that Susan was involved with her own stuff at the time of the reunion. The emotions and adjustments that her sister had to make and how she felt. 

Well, at least Susan admits that her birth sister had her own feelings about the discovery and reunion. Joan has never acknowledge our feelings. Oh, yes, she may say on internet forums “I get the fact that they (her sisters) wanted to reconnect with their baby sister…” but then goes off on a tangent and accuses us of doing things we haven’t done – harassing her, stalking her since she was a child. – You have to realize that Joan embellishes and exaggerates everything she says. For birth siblings wanting to know where their own blood sister was living, is NOT stalking! And we didn’t find out where she was living until she was 16 – and did not contact her until she was 18. And she herself admits in her book that when she 16, she herself decided that she would search for US. Whether she followed through with her desire to search for us is irrelevant. Let us put her intent to search for us in what we call “Joan Wheeler Speak.” When she decided to “search” for us – she really decided to “stalk” us. – Speaking of stalking, in 1987, when Joan insulted me, I had moved. I was having my mail delivered to a friend’s house in Lackawanna, New York.  In 1988, when Joan and I reconnected, she told me she had gone to the post office and got my forwarding address and went to the house but the Arab man there said he didn’t know me. Ha ha, my friend acted on my instructions. Also she kept calling my job and I kept finding slips of paper clipped to my timecard with her name and number. My immediate supervisor C. Mildbrandt  told me she had told Joan when she called that “we can’t make Ruth call you.” So who was stalking in 1987 -88? – JOAN that’s who.

Susan then says “It’s an issue not really addressed in literature.” (about the emotions and adjustments that birth siblings have to make and how they felt – about a reunion)

You got that right. In fact, I think our blogs is the only place where BIRTH SIBLINGS are having a voice!

“How do we help with that? People are looking for validation, because it is a healing, needing to be heard. The communication is so vital to talk about these feelings and also to normalize and validate them and to say ‘That’s okay, people feel like that, and it’s okay to feel like that and it’s not wrong.”

Oh really? Then what the hell was Susan doing when she left that comment on this blog on August 24 telling us “to find a way to move past your anger and blame and try to live a normal life, even if your sister isn’t part of it. It must be difficult and draining to maintain this level of rage. I hope someday you can find it in your heart to forgive and move on.’

Seems to me that Susan is tad hypocritical and sanctimonious here. In 2007 she says that people have a need to talk about their feelings, then four years later comes on our blogs and condemns us  for talking about our feelings.

Susan says that she gets along with everyone in her birth family, except her bsister. “My relationship with her remains tumultuous … and at this point (2007) we are estranged. Susan says that it is “temporary” they’ve gone through that before. She understands her sister has 5 kids and is very busy, but “we have trouble connecting. We’ve tried to connect and I think we’re just coming from two different directions. I am regretful, and hopeful.”

Gee Susan, get your relationship with YOUR sister fixed before coming over here and lecturing me and Gert to fix our relationship with Joan.

Susan then says “You can’t make a person feel a certain way.”

And this is what Joan fails to understand. She tries to force people to like her. By the way, Susan says she gets along with everyone in her birth family except her birth sister. Well Joan doesn’t get along with ANYbody. NObody wants her around because she is argumentative, confrontational. lies about everyone. The entire family BANNED HER FROM HER BIRTH FATHER’S HOSPITAL BEDSIDE AND FUNERAL WHEN HE DIED IN JANUARY 2011.

The hostess (Michelle Edmonds) says “adoption does something to the brain – they (adoptive parents) lose all sense of what is normal.” She then describes it as “bizarre and not healthy.” Susan agrees and says it may be a coping mechanism and a “denial of reality.”

Michelle is talking about the adoptive parents, but I would apply that to the adoptees as well. “Bizarre. Denial of Reality.” – Terms that MANY people, not just Gert or Ruth, have said when describing Joan’s actions. In fact, in the spring of 1995, when I finally found out that for six months Joan had been calling my job to get me fired, one supervisor called her phone calls “bizarre.” – I only found out by accident she was making those phone calls, after she sent a 3 page letter to the director of patient accounts to accuse me of computer hacking. The rest of the letter contained personal and medical information – and I never met the man. Today we call that a violation of federal HPPA laws. After Joan arrogantly sent me copies of this letter and I went to speak to him, I introduced myself as her sister. The man groaned and buried his head in his hands. He then informed me what had been going on for the past six months. A meeting was held by hospital administration and department heads were told to hang up when Joan called and I was not to be told. My employer protected me.  – The letter was scanned and posted to my blog proving Joan’s false accusations of computer hacking and violations of my privacy. Here are the links to this letter: page one , page two,  page three.

It is NOT normal for people to call in false police and child abuse reports. It is NOT normal for people to send their own sister a letter telling her that her husband got the next-door neighbor pregnant when the house was vacant. It is NOT normal for someone  to send letters to their own sister’s husband and tell him to leave his wife. It is NOT normal for someone to call their own sister’s place of employment to get them fired. It is NOT normal for someone to write letters containing their own sister’s personal and medical information and mail them to the mayor of the city her sister lives in. – These are all things that Joan Wheeler has done to me – and I have documented the proof on my blog.

Michelle says about the adoptive family not understanding an adoptee’s need to search. “Does it never end? The adoptee is always coddling other people’s feelings. … (she’s had) a lifetime of it.”

What I see here is the same attitude I have always gotten from Joan – only HER feelings in the reunion mattered – Ruth’s feelings NEVER mattered to Joan. In 1985, I broke up with my first husband. Yeah, we had a final fling. After 4 years of trying to get pregnant – NOW I get pregnant? And then I had a miscarriage! My ex left the country. I didn’t even have him around to comfort me. Joan was there. She gave me lip service, but never really supported me. When I found romance again, you would think Joan would happy for me. NOPE – because she tried her best to break us up. Joan never cared about one dam thing that Ruth EVER went through. In fact Joan went out of her way to instill at least ONE feeling in me – despair. In the years 1993 – 95, she filed false police reports on me to railroad me and get me in jail, she tried to break up my marriage, she tried to get me fired and ruin my career. Yes, Joan did her best to coddle Ruth’s feelings of despair – because she WANTED me to feel that. And all I want to know is WHY? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO HER THAT WOULD MAKE HER DO THOSE THINGS? It goes back to what I said above:  IT IS NOT NORMAL! Joan Wheeler needs to be committed to a psych center!

I am not a unfeeling bitch. I can understand Joan’s feelings of being overwhelmed at the time of our reunion, I was overwhelmed too. Joan writes in her book that no one knew how to proceed with the reunion. Well, I did. I welcomed her into my life with open arms and an open heart. It was when she started stealing from me and lying about me, stabbing me in the back, harassing me, STALKING me, that I turned my back on her. And then she writes that slanderous book and puts it out in public and LIES about me, saying that I have an arrest record, a criminal record, was placed on probation! –  I have never been arrested in my life. I do not have a criminal record, and was never placed on probation.

And these are not things that happened 20-30 years ago, these are the present times: She just published that damn book in November 2009, and yes, we provided Trafford Publications with the actual court documents that proved that when Joan Wheeler says in her book that I was sentenced to probation  she slandered me, Trafford Publications pulled the book from publication!

GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD SUSAN- JOAN WHEELER’S BOOK WAS PULLED FROM PUBLICATION BY TRAFFORD PUBLICATION BECAUSE IT WAS PROVED TO THEM BY ACTUAL COURT DOCUMENTS THAT JOAN WHEELER SLANDERED ME!

And at this present time, August 26, 2011, Joan still has a blog that continues to promote that lying shit. – JOAN IS LYING AND HURTING US AT THE SAME MOMENT YOU ARE READING THIS – and we don’t have the right to fight those lies? I DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEFEND MY REPUTATION? I DO NOT HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD AND I WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT THIS UNTIL JOAN TAKES DOWN THAT LYING WEBSITE OF HERS AND YOU CAN SHUT YOUR MOUTH SUSAN.

You have a PH.D? Oh, I’m so impressed! Where the hell are your brains that you can’t see the shit that Joan Wheeler has done to us and is STILL doing to us.

comment by Gert:

Great Job here Ruth!!! Thank you so much for enlightening us as to the background of people that Joan enlists to try to shut us up.

READ MY LIPS here….I don’t care about adoption, adoption reform, adoption reunion, adoption anything! I don’t care to KNOW and HAVE Joan Wheeler in MY LIFE! I shall continue to expose Joan Wheeler’s lies, fabrications and dirty deals that she had done to ME, MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY AND MY PARENTS.

Anyone who can’t handle that…take a hike! So find someone else you can intimidate and browbeat…in DOES NOT work here and on us. Go back under your rocks because on our blogs we tell the truth and it is NOT covered with all this adoption bullshit…adoption has NOTHING to do with us! The only things we are interested here is to set the record straight and RECLAIM our family HONOR.

Ruth replies:

Gert says:
“adoption has NOTHING to do with us!”
That is correct. We dealt with our sisters’s adoption and our reunion A LONG TIME AGO – been there, done that –
WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH ANYTHING RELATED TO ANY “SEPARATION ANXIETY” “MOURNING THE LOSS OF OUR ADOPTED-OUT SISTER” “BEING IN THE FOG” OR ANY OTHER ADOPTION PSYCHOBABBLE YOU PEOPLE THROW AT US.

WE HAVE DEALT WITH ALL THOSE THINGS 30 YEARS AGO! IT IS JOAN WHO IS STILL STUCK WITH NOT DEALING WITH HER WARPED BRAIN AND WARPED DELUSIONS. SHE REFUSES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT HER BIRTH FAMILY WANTS NO PART OF HER BECAUSE OF HER FILTHY LIES AND HARASSMENTS SHE HAS DONE, NOT JUST TO RUTH AND GERT, BUT OTHER PEOPLE AS WELL. SHE REFUSES TO LEARN THAT YOU CANNOT INSULT A PERSON AND STILL HAVE A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT ADOPTION THAT IS CAUSING JOAN NOT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BIRTH SISTERS AND OTHERS: IT IS JOAN’S OWN ACTIONS AND WORDS THAT HAS KILLED EVERY RELATIONSHIP SHE HAS HAD WITH FAMILY MEMBERS, EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS (BIRTH AND ADOPTIVE), FRIENDS, ACQUANTIANCES, PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE, (EVEN FORMER TEEN ROCK AND ROLL IDOLS), BOYFRIENDS, EX-HUSBAND, EVEN HER SON LEFT HOME AT 17 TO GET AWAY FROM HER. ADOPTION DIDN’T RUIN JOAN’S LIFE – JOAN HERSELF RUINED IT.

What the Sippel Sisters are dealing with in 2011 is the CONTINUED BASHING of us by Joan Wheeler.

READ MY LIPS NOW JOAN WHEELER: YOU ARE A LIAR AND A FILTHY ONE AT THAT. UNTIL YOU REMOVE THAT BLOG AND STOP PROMOTING THAT FILTHY BOOK OF YOURS AND OWN UP TO WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO US – WE WILL KEEP BLOGGING AND YOU CAN WHINE AND RAGE ALL YOU WANT – WE DON’T CARE. AND EVERY PUPPET YOU SEND OVER HER WE WILL SHOOT THEM DOWN JUST AS WE SHOT DOWN MARA, MYST, HEATHER, RUSS, LAURA , JENNIFER, AND NOW SUSAN/DAISY.

As to the charge that Joan makes on her cyberbullying page that I am a psychopath – HAH! This is coming from a person who has been in therapy for over 30 years and STILL can’t learn how to behave. And from someone who can’t hold down a job! Oh, she says she’s “disabled.” – She has allergies and irritable bowel syndrome. lol. So do I. PLUS  I have congenital sciolosis (curvature of the spine) and now I have arthritis in my spine, yet I AM STILL WORKING! September 18, 2011 will mark the 39 (that’s THIRTY-NINE) years on my job in a major hospital. During those 39 years, I have worked with hands-on patient care in medical-surgical units, 2 years in the respiratory care unit, 4 years in the medical intensive care unit, 5 years on the cardiac unit, 5 years in the hospice unit, where I did some grief counseling to women who lost thier babies due to late-term miscarriages (this AFTER I had my own miscarriage), and presently work on the renal/kidney transplant unit. I have also trained in being a union steward, but I actually turned the job down because I was already involved heavily with the block club that I organized and led, (despite Joan putting me down in her book because my neighborhood was bad). While I headed up the block club, I attended meetings at the Newburgh Coalition of Block Clubs, became a VIABLE volunteer with the Buffalo Police Department (which required a thorough background check on me in 1998, which ta-da! – showed NO criminal record of Ruth Sippel Pace – so that shows that Joan is a LIAR! I also worked closely with the Police department and my City Councilman, of which, since 1997, have had his respect. Although I no longer am involved with the block club, I still have contacts with local city government, and have been urged by many people to enter politics, one supporter was a former city councilman himself and old high school classmate of mine. I have earned the respect and friendship of many of my co-workers – even including noted cardiologists and other physicians. Oh, but I’m a psychopath!

And you adoptees come here and dare to say that I don’t have the right to defend myself and my reputation? WELL YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL AND TAKE JOAN WHEELER WITH YOU!

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6 Comments
  1. comment by Gert:

    Great Job here Ruth!!! Thank you so much for enlightening us as to the background of people that Joan enlists to try to shut us up.

    READ MY LIPS here….I don’t care about adoption, adoption reform, adoption reunion, adoption anything! I don’t care to KNOW and HAVE Joan Wheeler in MY LIFE! I shall continue to expose Joan Wheeler’s lies, fabrications and dirty deals that she had done to ME, MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY AND MY PARENTS.

    Anyone who can’t handle that…take a hike! So find someone else you can intimidate and browbeat…in DOES NOT work here and on us. Go back under your rocks because on our blogs we tell the truth and it is NOT covered with all this adoption bullshit…adoption has NOTHING to do with us! The only things we are interested here is to set the record straight and RECLAIM our family HONOR.

  2. Gert says:
    “adoption has NOTHING to do with us!”
    That is correct. We dealt with our sisters’s adoption and our reunion A LONG TIME AGO – been there, done that –
    WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH ANYTHING RELATED TO ANY “SEPARATION ANXIETY” “MOURNING THE LOSS OF OUR ADOPTED-OUT SISTER” “BEING IN THE FOG” OR ANY OTHER ADOPTION PSYCHOBABBLE YOU PEOPLE THROW AT US.

    WE HAVE DEALT WITH ALL THOSE THINGS 30 YEARS AGO! IT IS JOAN WHO IS STILL STUCK WITH NOT DEALING WITH HER WARPED BRAIN AND WARPED DELUSIONS.

    What the Sippel Sisters are dealing with in 2011 is the CONTINUED BASHING of us by Joan Wheeler.

    READ MY LIPS NOW JOAN WHEELER: YOU ARE A LIAR AND A FILTHY ONE AT THAT. UNTIL YOU REMOVE THAT BLOG AND STOP PROMOTING THAT FILTHY BOOK OF YOURS AND OWN UP TO WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO US – WE WILL KEEP BLOGGING AND YOU CAN WHINE AND RAGE ALL YOU WANT – WE DON’T CARE. AND EVERY PUPPET YOU SEND OVER HER WE WILL SHOOT THEM DOWN JUST AS WE SHOT DOWN MARA, MYST, HEATHER, RUSS, LAURA AND NOW SUSAN/DAISY.
    .

  3. The OTHER Lilac permalink

    Holy shit, I’m starting to feel sorry for Joan. Haven’t read her book, but now that it’s out of print, WHAT A STORY! You guys should be interviewed by ADOPTION AWARENESS magazines everywhere. Doesn’t all have happy endings, people.

    But back to Daisy. I’m so glad you took it upon yourselves to dissect that interview I’d never had a chance to listen to (wasn’t told about it). I learned alot about Daisy’s position with regards to our family’s “patterns”. You know, our “tendency” to get into massive arguments and not speak to each other for years. But then, reconnect somehow.

    Seen it in my mother and my grandmother, didn’t particularly plan on adopting that philosophy into MY life. Not with SIX CHILDREN to raise, in a healthy, wholesome intact-family environment. Never plan on divorcin’. Love my husband too much, who happens to validate MY sanity and loving heart as well. Good guy, he is.

    Anyway, and lastly for fear of getting a REPUTATION printed up and put in a book somewhere FOR SALE ON SHELVES, and then believed by all the author’s family. No, I did not ever feel my IDENTITY threatened by my new “oldes sister”. I actually thought of her more as an EXTENDED sister, having grown up sandwiched between two brothers, I always felt it was my oldest brother CHYRSANTHEMUM who was king. Yup, he beat me up enough to teach me that.

  4. the OTHER Lilac permalink

    The funny thing about my seeing Susan as a threat (pretending I’m my real self here), is that I honestly never did. When I found out she existed, I prayed a powerful prayer that I wanted to know her and for her to know my love. TWO MONTHS LATER we were reunited. I believe I was tuned into something greater.

    My mother and her concocted (bonded over) reasons that I might be suffering in the wake and shadow of who this AMAZING person IS. My mother, with all her guilty conscience, convinced alongside Daisy that I was “replaced” and had lost MY path. And here I am now, completely fulfilled raising my beautiful family, while she has to work full-time (writing during her lunch hours), lucky in the fact that I “don’t want anything to do with her”, because then she doesn’t have to deal with all the conflict that arises inside when I insist on being treated like an actual person IN REALITY, not in some botched up fantasy.

    The only thing that intimidated me was her looks, because she’s strikingly beautiful, and also is such a strange blend of both of my parents. But her behavior was always isolating and at times condescending. She never appeared to be grateful for the love she was offered or the openness with which I embraced the idea of her in my life. I was eighteen years old when I left my life behind to move to her small town to get to know her.

    I entered college and she went on with her busy life, never including me in any of it. One time I accidentally missed a lunch date we had planned, and it was like I was never forgiven after that. Some type of abandonment issues arose. From then on she was aloof and cold whenever I tried to be around her. And she never sought to include me in any of their family holidays or events (baptisms, etc.)…although I was all alone in a new town, a young adult without any family.

    One time she told me “you’ve never loved me” when I insisted through an email that I did. And she’s also asked my father if he loved me more than he loved her. To which he answered an unexpected “yes, of course I do.” I’m HIS daughter, raised from birth and always celebrated for who I am. With Daisy Thompson Underdahl, there’s always a competition in her mind, and a suspicion that I somehow feel affected by all her “successes” in life. Really, I’m just happy for her, but she’s impossible to know except on a superficial level. And of course, in the lovely blogosphere.

    Hi Suz.

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  1. recent comments « Reclaiming the Sippel-Herr Family Honor
  2. For any interested parties concerning Susan Thompson Underdahl and this blog. « Reclaiming the Sippel-Herr Family Honor

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