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Joan Wheeler’s alternative worldviews both mentally and physically.

by on September 13, 2011
Here is this next essay/post about the lying hateful vile book that Joan Wheeler wrote called Forbidden Family…which btw…she dedicated to MY CHILDREN…that’s Joan’s children. As we have just recently seen in previous posts and in this post and the one that comes next in the book…Joan certainly DOES EXPLOIT her children…and for what….fame and fortune…and for adoption reform??!!
This post was orginally written by me and sent to Ruth on Tuesday, June 22, 2010 and was revised here Sept 2011.
Joan Wheeler’s alternative worldviews, both mentally and physically, and how that effected her children.
Chapter 29, in the lying hateful libelous book, that Joan Wheeler wrote, called Forbidden Family, that has been pulled from publication, is about the illness of her child and the very unusual alternative worldview that Joan maintains.
‘It is difficulties that show what men are.’ Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher
I have to wonder, as this chapter’s title is called, What Happened to My Child, just want did happen to Joan’s children? Through out this book she does not give much detail about life with them nor does she tell us what kind of children they were. Strange. You would think that she would have more to say about them. They seem to be just peripheral to what is important to her; they are even less important than the husband, or boyfriend(s). They are not as important as Dorothy the adoptive mother is to Joan’s story. They are less important to her because of her hate for her blood sisters is what is most important to Joan. Let me say it again…her hate is  more important to Joan than her children. You really do have to wonder.
She starts this chapter off with this statement; ‘In the midst of court dates and aggravation, I tried to put some pieces back together to make a life for my children and myself. In March of 1994, I began the admissions process to the State University…’ How nice…priorities…admission to University and between lack of money and her nasty sister, that was constantly foiling Joan, it took 3 pages before she gets to the topic of this chapter, the child. We can see just how important the child is.
The child has hypothyroidism and of course Joan reacts with great drama. Instead of being calm and assuring the child, Joan is ‘stunned’ and she ‘whirled around to look at my daughter at the dinner table. I looked at her with new eyes.’ Gosh such excitement! Then she tells the child, ‘there is something terribly wrong! You have to take a pill, a hormone pill, every morning for the rest of your life!’ The child cried ‘I don’t feel sick’. Joan’s says, ‘but you are sick! Your body is killing off your own thyroid gland! Don’t worry. I’ll be here for you. Don’t be scared.’ And then she just dismisses the child! Oh, and in the book Joan does use the italics for emphasis! (Ruth’s note:  The reason Joan looked at her daughter with new eyes is because Catherine wasn’t growing. She was 9 years old and still was the size of a 5 year old. Once she was treated, she began to grow normally. But that’s not what I want to point out – it is this: My husband John reports to me, that Joan would continually tell her daughter that she was going to grow up to be a dwarf. No wonder to this day, Catherine can’t stand up to Joan – she IS a dwarf, mentally to this overbearing control freak named Joan.)
Yep, nothing like scaring the child and then telling her ‘don’t be scared’! She really must watch a lot of Lifetime Movie Channel, there really must be a better, more kinder, gentler, way to tell the child, but if you are addicted to drama everything must be drama. Joan’s behavior comes from the way she was raised by the adoptive parents and therefore she raised her own children the same…the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. And remember, Joan was NOT raised as a Sippel/Herr, for as an infant she died and was reborn as an adoptee! see death notice:    Death Notice of Doris Sippel – updated August 29, 2011
Joan really must have that nasty sister on her brain because on pg 335 she makes a real bonehead of an error. She is talking about her daughter and calls her (in print, in the book) by that nasty sister’s name. Obviously, there was no real editing done within this book. And what would the drama be like if Dorothy was not involved? Probably dull, so we read how Dorothy was ‘frantic, panicked, yanked the phone cord, screamed as she’d rip the cord from the wall, there is nothing wrong with the child, you’re (Joan) overreacting!’ What is wrong with this adoptive mother that she doesn’t even want to accept the fact that the grandchild may indeed be ill? Perhaps it is the same, as with Joan, someone will take her away! Birds of a feather, flock together…Dorothy, Joan, Joan’s daughter!
As it happens when illness strikes there are added burdens and financial difficulties. ‘My self-esteem was shot. Poverty again and again. How could I climb out of this hole?’ She attempts spiritualism but the practices were not sustained. She meets, by chance, someone from Liverpool at a music festival and writes ‘My visits to Liverpool meant more to me than meeting a sister I never knew.’ Could that be because she had driven that sister away as well? (Ruth’s note: No, Gert, it didn’t mean that – it shows us and the world just what she viewed her birth sisters for: objects to be used for own agenda. Joan, wanting to experience a teen fantasy, wanted to go see the birthplace of The Beatles! When she was reunited with her family, and found that one of her birth sisters actually lived in Liverpool – she found a way to get there. DEEPLY READ what she wrote: her visits to Liverpool MEANT MORE TO HER THAN MEETING A SISTER SHE NEVER KNEW. She has her priorities – LIVERPOOL – not her own blood kin – but a city where teen rock and roll idols came from. But in other places, both in the book and on the internet, she puts that same sister down for the same exact thing! – Going to Liverpool, where The Beatles came from. But in Kathy’s case, it was much more than – she had a love of England since she was child – BEFORE The Beatles came along. Kathy always dreamed of living there and she made plans to fulfill her dream. By the time she was 23, she had worked at her job, scrimped and saved and when she first went there, she thoroughly checked the place over, jobwise, residence-wise. Registered with employment agencies. Came back to Buffalo, worked some more, saved some more. Via mail, and newspapers, she kept track of employment opportunities. When she had enough funds – she moved there permanently. Perhaps getting away from the negativity of our family was a factor – and what is wrong with that? On a comment on an internet discussion group from 2009, Joan criticized her by saying she was “running away.” So what? People have been doing that for centuries! The founding fathers of the United States RAN AWAY from oppressive Western European culture to start a new life. But see, Joan can never see any of her birth sisters in a positive light – she must always portray us in the negative. So now that I’ve pulled the focus of Gert’s post, I will bring you readers back to it. – Gert was talking about Joan whining YET AGAIN of her poor miserable life.)
Joan ‘lived off student loans, there was no child support, no alimony, and no marital property.’ Her ex-husband ‘tried to sue her for the potential profits of this book since I wrote portions of it while married.’ She tries for a medical malpractice lawsuit and an ethics investigation, she lost both cases. ‘I gave it my best shot. I fought for my daughter’. (Ruth’s note: No she didn’t – the basis of her complaint was because the doctors wrote a paper on Catherine’s illness for a pediatric medical journal, and it included a “social work assessment” on the family – which included the details of the mother’s receiving social services benefits. Joan questioned what her income or her status of being a welfare recipient had on her daughter’s illness. Joan was pissed because she was being labeled a “welfare recipient.” But then she goes and blabs it all in her book anyway! And includes her own, albeit warped, “social work assessment” on several people in the latter third of her wretched book. – She was pretty pissed in 1994 that HER privacy was breached in a medical journal (it wasn’t, no names were given in the paper), but it’s okay for Joan to not respect other people’s privacy.)
Broke is only temporary; poor is a state of mind…. fortune cookie
I’m not attempting to minimize the daughter’s condition here I’m only pointing out the continued alternative worldview of Joan’s that intensifies everything, making everything into a such a drama and then she drops it abruptly and moves on to something else! That’s the end of that! In this chapter called What Happened to My Child, the child got sick, Joan fought the adoptive mother and the medical system and lost and then we hear NO MORE about the condition of the child anywhere else in the entire 600 plus page book! Seems as if the children’s illness was just one more horrible thing that Joan had to deal with along with all the various forms of poverty in Joan’s life. And of course Joan had to take note of the fact that her husband wanted ‘potential profits of the book’! Both of them….nothing but gold-diggers! No wonder Joan is so upset with the birth sisters…we stopped her from earning millions of dollars from the book and the movie that was to follow!  (Ruth’s note: sorry to disappoint Joan, now that Oprah is retired, she’ll never get your stupid book on Oprah’s Book Club! – readers – back in 1988 Joan was lining up musicians to do the music for the movie version of her book – which hadn’t even been written yet! What delusional idiot asks folk singers to do music for a movie that doesn’t have a contract, doesn’t have a director, doesn’t have a studio, doesn’t have a screenplay, let alone a book to base a screenplay on! No, Joan doesn’t belong on a classy show like Oprah – but on the Trash TV circuit – Maury Pauvich and Jerry Springer. Yeah, I wanna see her on Jerry Springer – I can get a few good punches in before the security guards get me off her. Then again – they’ll have their work cut out for them – Back in 1979 I was at a gathering in a house in Lackawanna and another guest insulted me, called mea bitch and slapped me across my face – I was on her and whacking her head in a wall so fast – and it took 4 grown men to get me off her. Joan knows I have great self-control and won’t risk going to jail over her – but that doesn’t excuse her 30 years of baiting me to do it. ) 
So moving on to the next chapter, pg 343, the Effects of Continued Hate, begins with the statement ‘I wanted a life free from negativity.’ She takes one paragraph to tell us of some things she and her children did, when they were in middle school, and then says ‘We had a different life now.’ Again, only one paragraph to describe life with her children. It is now 1997 and, according to her, she is still receiving harassing hate mail. ‘If only other people would have left me alone to carry on with my life, I would have been able to do better. For 22 years I received hate mail…from my sisters and unidentified sources.’ There we are again, those sisters and, my gosh, unidentified sources! You mean to say that there were others who harassed Joan?
Joan states here ‘…If only…’ If only, if only…it is always someone else who is the blame for Joan’s problems. Not once has she taken any responsibility for her life. Not once has she taken charge of her own life and took the consequences of her own failures and pride in her accomplishments…she is not and never has been in charge of her life; it’s always the other guy who pulls her strings. She is a puppet! And that is why she is so good at getting puppets to do her dirty work today!
We finally learn, pg 344-347, of the betrayal, to Joan, of an adoptive uncle, who was the guilt ‘unidentified source’ of continued hate/harassment mail and continued betrayal, to Joan, by her own adoptive mother. Sad, sad, sad, but we knew that Dorothy was sick and Joan is sicker for continuing on with her. They say that the abused child cannot leave the abuser, even if it is a parent. By Joan’s own reckoning, at this time, she and her children had been living with her mother for about two years when she found evidence of this adoptive uncle’s harassments. Her mother did not take Joan’s side, another betrayal, and Joan just sits there in the midst of betrayal. ‘I wished I could afford to live someplace else.’ She should have been planning and packing to get out that day! But no, she ‘desperately wanted a mother.’ Eventually the adoptive uncle was proven to be guilty of the harassments but because of his age he was ordered to stay away from Joan. But since she lived with her mother, the uncle’s sister-in-law, and such added additional stress to the mother/daughter relationship. Don’t you just love the drama? (Ruth’s note: Aha! NOW we see just WHO had been harassing Joan via hate mail and phone calls FOR YEARS – and Joan was continuously blaming her birth sisters! Why even now, on the internet, all she can say about us is that she has been harassed by us – and even when she puts her adoptive family down (on the internet), she neglects to mention that an adoptive uncle had been harassing her and was finally caught by the police. JOAN- YOU OWE YOUR BIRTH SISTERS AN APOLOGY FOR BLAMING US FOR YOUR UNCLE’S ACTIONS!)
Now remember that the above situations happened in 1996 but on a single page, 347, the reader is bounced from 1996 to 2002, when the uncle died. So there is no real sense as to when the anguish that Joan says she had was in 96 or 02 or everyday? My vote would be everyday because Joan’s whole life is full of anguish.
‘It was difficult to continue life in any normal sense when every time I turned around there was yet one more conflict or crisis to overcome. There was no hope for my future. I shut myself off from people for months and even years.’ She even ‘stayed away from my father because I was afraid of him and my sisters.’ Afraid of Dad!! Afraid of her sisters!!! This fear is just a figment of her imagination! She states that Dad ‘didn’t seem to care’ well that is the sentiment that we all have felt over the years and it’s called ‘that’s the way Dad is’. Real people come to terms with other people’s personalities. I am the way I am and I’m not going to be something I’m not just because someone else can’t accept me for what I am. Period. To wallow in self-pity because someone doesn’t meet our expectations is to waste one’s life. All Joan has accomplished with writing and publishing this book was to show to the entire world that she is a waste of life! (Ruth’s note: Now just WHY is Joan afraid of her birth sisters? And we see again her exagerating things – Gert lived in another city – Kathy way the hell across the Atlantic Ocean! – No, she was afraid of ME! (so get it right Joan – you were afraid of a birth SISTER – SINGULAR!) And just WHY would she be afraid? BECAUSE SHE KNEW SHE WRONGED ME AND WAS AFRAID I’M COME AFTER HER AND PUNCH HER OUT. WHICH IS WHAT SHE DESERVED AND STILL DESERVES! I actually did threaten to smash her one day, when she was on the phone with John’s cousin Joyce. Joyce wrote me a note and told me go listen on the upstairs phone. The lies that I heard! I finally blurted out that I was coming over to her house and punch her out. — She was afraid of the repurcussions of her own actions – because I was not the only one to threaten to punch her out. And we see that a couple of her boyfriends punched her out. For the love of God, Joan : MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, STOP LYING ABOUT PEOPLE, STOP BOTHERING PEOPLE, SHUT UP AND BEHAVE YOURSELF, THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE LIVING IN FEAR!)
Moving along, Joan goes back to college, pg 348, and ‘five years…were very desperate years…struggled with overwhelming depression, feelings that I had nothing to live for, that I was fighting an uphill battle in every area of my life. Nothing consoled me.’ And on and on! Were there no pills? Were there no treatments? Is all this personal bearing of the soul related to her being adoptive and adoption reform? Right…it’s all to prove Joan’s point…that adoption destroys people!
‘Meanwhile, I neglected my kids, shutting them out…meeting deadlines became more important to me than my children.’ Here she is working for adoption reform so that a child would know their biological parents and she neglects her own children! Then she says, ‘since I’ve been told I was worthless, I needed to prove I was good at something.’ And this is helping her children how? Can’t she be a worthy mother and care of her children! (Ruth’s note:  Oh yes, shutting her own kids out! – In the early years of our reunion with Joan, she would come to family functions with a notebook and take notes – things like the extended family’s names and medical background. A couple of people found this humorous, but >GASP!< I ACTUALLY DEFENDED JOAN IN THIS! Because she hadn’t been around us, she didn’t know the family’s history or any medical information. Because >GASP< I ACTUALLY AGREED WITH JOAN that an adopted out person NEEDS to know their biological family’s medical background! But what does Joan eventually do with all the information she collected? Does she share it with her OWN biological children? NO! In 2006, I connected with Catherine on myspace. And she asked me pointblank if I would tell her of any medical conditions that I, my sisters, or other family members had.
So now, just what is one of the most important things that adoption reformers cite for the need for OPEN ADOPTION RECORDS? The need for an adoptee to know their medical background! Is Joan Wheeler not a self-professed ADOPTION REFORMER? So why the hell didn’t SHE share family medical background and information with her own daughter? – And this helps adoption reform – HOW?)
So in classes she was ‘determined to be a good social worker…I pointed out in classes that the textbooks were one-sided…classmates told me I wasn’t open to the needs of the clients…’ Again, she must continue with her personal crusade against adoption into the classroom and alienate herself with teachers and classmates. The world does not see it according to Joan and therefore the world is wrong! And this is helping adoption reform how? See what we mean about the ‘world according to Joan’?
In her zeal to convert those ignorant of her worldview ‘arguments broke out, I was accused of not being understanding of the plight of the infertile. I stood my ground. I suffered in silence and ridicule.’ And as is typical of any true believer who is a fanatic in the spread of their theology Joan ‘created a near-riot in one class’ and much more. She spends 7 pages, 350-356, all on various forms of her arguments within a classroom! And here is a very telling statement, pg 352, ‘There it was again, I was being attacked for addressing issues that need to be exposed. Just as my ignorant relatives lashed out at me, this classroom of social work students reacted to me as a person while not intelligently acknowledging the issues I raised.’ And this is helping adoption reform how?
Here Joan admits that her relatives, both birth and adoptive, are ignorant! Gosh, there is just NOTHING we can do to change the fact that Joan has deemed us to be ignorant. This is why she never hears us, for we are ignorant and are incapable of understanding her and her issues! Really now! There is no way relatives of Joan can win…she already knows that we are ignorant. Have I mentioned that Joan believes we are ignorant? (Ruth’s note: “Ignorant relatives.” Gee thanks Joan. And you had the nerve to write me a letter in 1999 and write, “For some reason you don’t like me.” Why would I like you? Because you always insulted me? (and people wonder why I want to punch her out.)
The purpose of these pages, in the book, are to provide some kind of ‘proof’ to the world that Joan has been traumatized by her adoption and for an opportunity for her to, again, retell her story. She is fascinated with and in love with her own story. She is a true believer in her own worldview and must keep retelling it and keep attempting to convert others to her cause and/or kill off the opponents.
Truth has nothing to do with it, and like so many others, Joan is not aware of her own thinking, or lack of thinking. She doesn’t even see how this relates to her relationships with her own children. ‘I lived a life of hell’. What kind of life did her children have while she is off crusading? Joan screams ‘each of you in this classroom want self-determination for yourself, without any consideration for your child’s right to self-determination.’ (the italics are Joan’s) So what about Joan’s children’s right to self-determination? Did she grant them the very rights that she is crusading for? (Ruth’s note: Yes, Joan’s daughter Catherine has self-determination all right. In my email exchange with her concerning my LEGITIMATE phone call to her mother on November 3, 2009, Catherine (aged 23 at the time) plaintively cries out to me: “don’t I deserve a  life of my own?”And in January of 2011, I heard a rumor, and it was confirmed by Catherine’s father, that Joan (because she’s too damn lazy to get a job) has forced Catherine to work two jobs to support them and pay the mortgage. )
And what did she learn from arguments in the classroom? She states that she ‘hadn’t learned the value of diplomacy…was always on the defensive’. Seems to me that her families had tried for years to get her to understand that but no one can reach a true believer. In fact Joan still had put her own spin on it ‘…while I hadn’t learned the art of diplomacy, my classmates hadn’t learned to address the issues without attacking the messenger.’ Talk about double speak! She has to have the last word on her own defense while at the same time tell of the weaknesses of the opponent. And so as long as the world does not conform to Joan’s worldview it will always be wrong! She must continue on with her personal crusade against adoption and those that do not conform to her worldview. And this is helping adoption reform how?
Only while she is on her personal crusade is she fulfilled. All her descriptions, of her life, point to a real clinically depressed person that has a dual life as in one who has paranoid schizophrenia. Where were the doctors? Where were the meds? Pgs 357-358 detail ‘terrible temper tantrums in which I threw around toys, often breaking them, or ripping up paintings or drawings my children created. In one stupid act of anger, I took a pair of scissors and cut a leather bracelet off of my son’s wrist…thoughts of death and suicide cycled through me for years…have anxiety attacks in public places…couldn’t help them (the children) with their homework because I had too much of my own…threw out toys and children’s personal belongings…tore keepsake cloths of the children’s…screamed at my children…felt trapped, robbed of my life…single mother trying to survive…lived off welfare, student loans, food stamps and Medicaid…barely existing…’ Where were the doctors? Where were the meds? Where was the adoptive mother? Didn’t she live there? Didn’t she see what Joan was like? Why didn’t she call the doctors? And this was a happy childhood for her children, how?  (Ruth’s note: All I can say to this: If I had known at the time this was going on, I would have called child abuse and had Dennis and Catherine removed from that hate-filled house. They may not believe me, but I had always loved them, and still do. I was powerless to do anything. Catherine asked me in 2006, “where were you when I was so sick?” (when she was 9 years old). How could I have helped her when I was legally barred from them? And I myself was living in fear of Joan – because of the shit she was doing to ME! – calling the police left and right on me, setting me up by calling child abuse on herself and using my name, trying to get me fired from my job – for MY own sanity and peace and MY life  – I had no choice – I HAD TO TURN MY BACK ON MY NIECE AND NEPHEW. My hands were tied – there was NOTHING I could have done. )
As this chapter, Effects of Continued Hate, continues on, for another 10 pages, we are again told of events from a desperately sick person’s mind and again, I wonder, this is helping adoption reform how?
She can’t leave things alone, she must continue to ‘get the answers’ she wants. But then, when she get the answers she wants and it backfires on her, she wonders why. She can’t see how she offends and harasses. She starts by writing a letter to our brother, pg 359, where she accuses him of ‘judging me for my lifestyle, especially the crack about ‘why don’t you move?’ I’ve, Gert, have wondered the same thing…why doesn’t she move and change her life? She continues in her letter, ‘I’ve stayed out of touch because of the bitterness caused by (the three sisters) over the years.’ There she goes again, making it sound as if the three sisters were constantly on her doorstep. If this was in 1999, it was over 7 years since she heard anything from me! She continues, ‘my mother, my children and I are still hounded by harassing mail and phone calls from B. (i.e. Ruth) and company.’ Gee I didn’t know that Ruth was so powerful that she had a ‘company’ of co-conspirators all with nothing to do but harass Joan. This was a letter that she hoped would bring reconciliation? Does she not think? Apparently not! (Ruth’s note: Again, we see how Joan canNOT reason and see that the reason her life is the way it is – is because of HER OWN ACTIONS! She sends a letter to our brother, and in it, she trashes us, HIS SISTERS! Did she not think that he would be upset to see in print his sisters being trashed? So what does my brother and his wife do? They talk to Joan about her own behavior – and JOAN WILL NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBLITY FOR HER OWN ACTIONS! So when our brother and his wife, in disgust at seeing Joan trash their loved ones, turn their backs on Joan, the blame gets shifted to — yep! You guessed it – the three sisters and RUTH in particular. I’ve said it before – on my blog, and this blog – that book is nothing but a hate campaign against a lot of people, but mostly RUTH.  As to letters being written: The only letters I wrote her in this time period, were the ones answering the letters that Joan was sending to me – and in the letters that I wrote are 4 sentances being repeated over and over: “WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME AGAIN. STOP WRITING TO ME.LEAVE ME ALONE. GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP!”(and, yeah, I’m wondering who my “company” is. I guess Mark Twain had it wrong all those years ago when he said, “Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.'” – Ruth must now be added to the list.)
You must remember I knew virtually nothing of what was happening to Joan and by whom, for years, I had my own life that was totally devoid of Joan. So when she states, pg359, that she ‘sent a similar letter to my sisters…that whatever they had against me needed to be talked out, resolved, so we could be a family again.’ is totally false! I never received any communication from Joan and when Joan states ‘…my sisters retaliated with yet more hate mail and vicious phone calls…’ she is lying. Sisters, in the plural, is false. I never wrote a letter to Joan. I never made a phone call to Joan, not until 2005. It is very obvious that what Joan had done was to ‘set herself up’ for more dramas, that is, if she really did write such letters then she was ‘setting herself up’ for more hate letters and phone calls to come to her. I believe that the truth probably is that Joan was feeling neglected and fabricated these tales, as I said I never received any letter from her, so we know that that is a fabrication. (Ruth’s note: Actually, I received TWO letters in February 1999, one started out by saying “as the 25th anniversary of our reunion approaches… I wish we could be sisters, but for some reason, you don’t like me. I never stopped caring about you…I have wished you well. ..You are my sister and I will always love…however your treatment of …is mean …don’t drive by my house – my son saw you (lie – I had no car) ..take this letter to the police…stay away…” Second letter: “I’m sorry we can’t have a sisterly relationship as we once did…I certainly stayed away from you.(um what do you call this letter – it’s NOT staying away from me) are the one making contact through harassing letters (um,who wrote THIS letter?)…your man fathered a daughter by your next-door neighbor in 1993. The girl was born in June 1994. (um, if he fathered a daughter in 1993, then she was not born in 1994). …you were put on six months probation (no, it was an order of protection) …you have …calling in false reports to the Child Abuse hotline for years (in the book, she says it was Gert, can she not make up her mind?)  — See where she tells me to take the letters to the police. NO, ha ha, I did something better – and because she mailed those letters in envelopes from a return address that belonged to her friend (without the friend’s permission) I hauled her into court for HARASSMENT But see how Joan has two minds – We cannot write her letters – that’s harassment -but Joan can send ME letters and lie and say I drove past her house when I had no car – and then to HURT me, tell a lie about my fiance – and no – no GIRL BABY was born on my street in either 1993 or 1994 – my street is only one block long – no girl baby was born. OH, but didn’t she say in the first letter that I’m her sister, and she loves me? And how does she show her love for me? BY TRYING TO BREAK ME AND MY FIANCE UP WITH A FILTHY LIE ABOUT HIM GETTING THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR PREGNANT! “for some reason you don’t like me.” You damned right I don’t like her – I HATE HER!  — You tell me readers – would YOU like someone who keeps sending letters like this?)
Because I was not there I cannot fully comment on episodes related to our cousin Gail, but I do know that Ruth has in previous posts and will add other comments now, if she chooses. I can comment on certain ways that Joan’s mind operates and on how she twists things to fit her worldview. She lives with the mistaken opinions that both her birth and adoptive families were always in ‘the know’ and kept ‘secrets’ about her. This type of thinking resembles paranoid delusions of grandeur. (Ruth’s note: I shall address this one later on, I don’t have time right now.)
Paranoia, type of psychosis in which a person suffers from logically consistent delusions (fixed, false beliefs) of persecution or grandeur. In the late 1890s, Sigmund Freud postulated that paranoia is an intellectual disorder in which the primary symptom is extreme distrust of others; the paranoid person may believe that people are out to kill him or her. In addition, in paranoid schizophrenia the patient may have hallucinations in which famous persons from history or mythology appear and communicate messages; this manifestation is related to the patient’s delusion of grandeur. The American Psychiatric Association applies the term delusional disorder to paranoia to distinguish between paranoid symptoms of other mental disorders (schizophrenia, depression, organic mental disorder) and paranoid disorders whose primary manifestation is paranoid delusions without other symptoms such as hallucinations.
With that definition in mind we return to what she states, pg 362, ‘everything I said and did was carefully criticized, even my arguments and tears were made public’. That was not true until Joan herself wrote this damm book and made it all public, without any help from anybody in either family! And to promote her agenda for adoption reform, she mistakenly states, ‘instead of handling this as an open placement and open adoption with regular visitation for me with my older siblings and my natural father, my adoption was a closed one with all the secrecy, gossip and rumors as if I were something to hide.’ That is what she is promoting, open adoption, without any consideration for the multitude of circumstances that present the reasons for adopting in the first place. This is helping adoption reform how? Do you really want to have a crazy individual represent your movement?
Just because Joan feels and thinks that her life ought to have been taken care of differently, that doesn’t give her the right to CHANGE the facts of reality. It doesn’t give her the right to condemn and dishonor the birth family. Joan’s inner thinking is what drives her, not reality. No one ‘hid’ her, she was adopted, not hidden! If she wants adoption reform the way NOT to do it is the way she did it…by lying and fabricating with hate and malice.
This sick misguided mind spends many pages telling lies and fabrications, such as, ‘…my eldest sister (me) when she was a teenager asked our mother’s sister to tell her where I was and she was told…she had my name and address.’ False! After seeing a picture of Joan I asked who it was because she looked so much like me. Yes, I was told who she was but I was never given her address until Joan was 18 not 10 as Joan writes on pg 362.
Other falsehoods are ‘…she took it upon herself to find me without taking the responsibility for the consequences she caused for my adoptive family, our father and me…then blamed me for not being the quiet baby they were looking for…they hated me…’ Not so, it, finding Joan, came about from continued talks between four siblings, it was not my own decision. And I did so only after I called an adoption agency and a lawyer about how to proceed in connecting with our sister. We were told that Joan’s adoption was a private adoption with all the legalities in place. Private here means that the birth family and the adoptive family knew each other. I was told that there was no problem for siblings to contact another sibling that was of legal age. None of us thought that Dad would have a problem, we all believed that such would be okay with him, after all he was not making the contact. Dad has never told me that he was upset with me for making that phone call to Joan. Perhaps we were wrong, but to say that I, or we, have not taken the responsibility of our actions nor the consequences is a falsehood. We all have tried for decades to reason with Joan and as you read in this book, nothing can or will make Joan healthy in the mind. She is the way she is because of her upbringing by the adoptive family and she believes that adoption is the reason for her misery. She believes that adoption destroys people. Reality is that people destroy people.
I have no idea where and why she has this belief….’they then blamed me for not being the quiet baby they were looking for…they hated me…’ It must come from something in her upbringing within the Wheeler family. At no time did any of the birth family members think of Joan in terms of a ‘quiet baby’ and that we hated her. When we met her she was 18 years old. Does she really believe that we thought she was a baby! Come on now!
She continues on ranting and raving of more harassment done to her including her being ‘arrested’ three times in one month. Ruth has already spoken of this but it may be appropriate to revisit what Ruth knows here. We have showed, in many of these posts, Joan’s use of exaggerations, hyperbole and fabrications. (Ruth’s note: yes, I had addressed this before, it ties in with what happened to Gail, and I just don’t have time right now to address this again- but I will! But lets’s just clarify this one thing: JOAN WAS NOT ARRESTED THREE TIMES IN ONE MONTH! She was summoned into court for harassment three times in one month for three different harassment cases! Instead of  paying attention to her children – she was harassing Gail in Eden, NY (south of Buffalo), harassing me by writing me letters again (using a friend’s home address without that friend’s permission) and by using that person’s home address without permission, that person filed harassment charges on Joan). Joan was SUMMONED to court, NOT arrested. But Joan simply MUST exagerate everything and writes that she was arrested for the sensationalismand to garner more sympathy from her readers. And arrogant bitch that she is: she had been warned by Town of Eden police NOT to contact Gail. She did. The police called Joan and asked her if she wrote to Gail again. And she said YES. And it was the Town of Eden POLICE, not Gail, that initiated the harassment case against Joan. And then arrogant bitch that Joan is, has the nerve to write in her book that it was all GAIL’S fault. DAMMIT JOAN – WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS THE FAULT OF SOMEONE ELSE – and people wonder why I want to punch her out.)
Here is another example; ‘…a public defender was assigned as my lawyer. He berated me in his office, saying that I was a welfare scumbag and deserved what I got.’ Come on! What public defender, let alone any public officer, would risk their job by saying such a thing? And what is the matter with Joan? She can’t speak up for herself? Oh, the only times that she can do that is, if she was speaking about adoption reform to a bunch of people who didn’t know what she knows or on the printed page where she can write whatever and no one will stop her. We see it over and over in this book; Joan talks about how professional people, as well as her personal love-interests, all berate her, time and again, and she can not and does not speak up for herself, she just takes it. I suspect that it is all in her head.
Joan doesn’t need to make up such nonsense as a public defender telling her she is a scumbag, she is quite capable of showing the world that she is. Pg 365 ‘…I felt totally defeated…my life had been violated…act of self-loathing…spent 4 days in deep depression, crying, I was very afraid of people…I felt unwanted…saw no purpose in my life…’ And then she and her mother ‘…were again barraged by harassing phone calls…we got an unlisted phone number…we began a life of seclusion…’ And she believed, wrongly, that she had an ‘…arrest record…would I ever be hired as a social worker’.  I should hope not! If she used this book as her reference material, that she is a good social worker, she would be laughed at!
Now in addition to Joan’s use of lies, exaggerations, hyperbole and fabrications, to tell her story, add hyper-vigilance. Ruth will provide a more in depth description of it. Joan uses the term herself, pg 366, to describe her rages, while she, her mother and children were living in seclusion. Joan was ‘…consumed with rage and disgust for the insanity of this constant hate-fest’, which was only in her mind. So her mother gives her a suggestion, ‘…why have evil letters in our house, burn them.’ And so Joan goes on a raging marathon of destroying and burning, in the fireplace, all kinds of items that had nothing to do with evil letters. Pgs 367-368 are fully the work of a mad person!
But did she really burn everything? Certainly not related documents that she published in the book. She was very selective in what she burned in her madness!
She says ‘the people who hated me finally won…convinced me that I was worthless…my life useless, so I destroyed everything that had meaning for me. While my children watched…I burned everything in a desperate attempt to cleanse myself from the hate that surrounded me…’
‘While my children watched’, they’re in their teens at the time and I’m sure they had a great time watching! All Joan thinks about is what is being done to her, she never sees what she does to her children.  – (Ruth’s note: And she has absolutely no shame in these acts! She is actually PROUD of her acts! just 2 years ago, she attended a family funeral.  She met a biological cousin for the first time. She said to this cousin: “I have no pictures of my children when they were little because I burned them all. I burned the pictures along with their toys in the living room in front of them.” When I heard about this in 2010, I told my husband. He was so disgusted. He said, “what a sadistic bitch.”  – Can you imagine how those children felt? To see their own mother in fit of rage burn their baby pictures in front of them? – While Joan whines about HER feelings of wrecked self-esteem because of things HER mother did to her – throwing pots and pans at her when she finds out Joan knows she has birth siblings – all the things her mother did to her -and she whines how bad SHE feels – she proudly reports how SHE  HAS HURT HER OWN CHILDREN!  And people wonder why I want to punch her out.)
She says ‘We ate dinner in stoic silence.’ Really! If you ask me stoic is the wrong word choice.
Stoic: somebody impassive: somebody who is unemotional, especially somebody who shows patience and endurance during adversity
The better word choice would have been shock.
Shock: something surprising and upsetting: an unexpected, intense, and distressing experience that has a sudden and powerful effect on somebody’s emotions or physical reactions
She ends this chapter not with concern about her children but about herself. ‘…somehow I managed to wake up and carry on each day…my soul was dying and my body barely alive…I felt as though I was already dead.’
This is Joan Wheeler’s alternative worldview both mentally and physically. Her inner reality versus actual reality.
How could she write a dedication in a book…’for my children’  when all she has done was exploit her children and documented her own mental illnesses and her child abuse for the whole world to see! (Ruth’s note: what has been documented is a classic example of generational child abuse! Dorothy physcially and mentally abused Joan, and Joan physically and mentally abused her children. And we see how history repeats itself. In the late 90’s and throughout the 2000’s Joan writes how she was trapped in a horrible life with her domineering and mentally imbalanced mother. That mother is now dead. Has anything changed in that house? Only the bodies. And the roles are reversed. Joan’s daughter is now trapped in that house with a domineering and imbalanced mother. She is going to be 25 next month and can’t break away! That house is a house of horrors! Reminds me of the old Joan Crawford/Bette Davis movie “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” I wish Erie County would step in, cart Joan away to the psych center, bulldoze that house and I really wish my neice would stand up at the age of 25 and get the hell away from Joan – for your own sanity Catherine – get the hell out of there!)
And this helps adoption reform…how?

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