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Joan Wheeler continues to lie and lie on another adoption site, but she got caught! part two

by on February 11, 2012

introduction part two:

part one is here…Joan Wheeler continues to lie and lie on another adoption site, but she got caught! part one on February 11, 2012

see end of this post for update info

On the following pro-adoption website I found more lies by Joan Wheeler. Joan went there with malice intent to bully and condemn them. The owner/manager of this site is Erica. I have included a couple of her comments here as well.   This blog is no longer available

This is a very long piece, so it will be in two parts. I don’t feel any real need to give alot of comment on Joan’s words. But, I do feel the need to point out lies or fabrications or nonsense. My purpose here is also to show how Joan is just a raving manic. To read Joan’s words and see my immediate reaction, via a few words, really does show the insanity of what Joan speaks. So…I shall, in bold, point out such within Joan’s comments. Any statements, within Joan’s comments, in bold are Gert’s.
We start part two with my comment on the site, that was placed in between Joan and Erica’s dialog.
I am birth sister to Joan Wheeler, you really ought to see the other side of the story
check out the birth siblings blogs
Amongst many things, Joan Wheeler violated the adoption process I was in with adopting my own son, in 1980…
Erica says:
 So, what would you propose as a solution for unwanted pregnancies that lead to unwanted children (I understand this not the case for all)? What about incest or rape that produce a child? What about a child born addicted to drugs, where the mother wants to choose adoption, so the child will not go to CPS? What about children left abandoned at hospitals, police stations, fire stations? What about women who are incarcerated that have no familial contact or support? What about professional birthmothers who are more concerned with gestating a child for profit, rather than parenting? What about grandparents who do not want to raise their teenager’s child? As we were going through the adoption process, these seemed to be the bulk of the adoption situations here in the US (you can find many posted adoption situations all over the internet). Is it in the best interest of a child to be raised in a family where they are unwanted or a constant reminder of a horrible crime?
My answer, Erica, is this:
Gert speaking…Here is were Joan can get on her bully pulprit and show how brilliant she is, for the most part it’s all bullshit. Look behind the curtain here!
Unwanted pregnancies that lead to unwanted children: if a mother truly does not want her child, then an extended family member should be found to be a guardian. The father may want to parent his child and often times he is not even considered. The child benefits by being raised by extended family and the birth identity is not changed.
Rape or incest that produce a child: these children have a mother and a father and no one has the moral right to deny the truth to these individuals. The true mother and the true father, no matter what the circumstances, must be named on the child’s birth certificate because facts are facts. Care in raising such children means that proper counseling should be available. Such individuals do grow up and become productive citizens. As an adoptee, I knew of one such woman. She was the product of brother-sister incest and rape. She was an adoptee who petitioned the court to open her records and the judge awarded her request. She was shocked to learn the truth, but it was HER truth and no one else’s. As for the infant who may not be wanted by a mother in these circumstances, again, crisis intervention is of high importance. Under the proper care, many of these mothers do keep their children and love them in spite of the rapist-father or incestuous father. Ask Jaycee Dugard how she feels about her two daughters conceived by rape. Their father may not be of right mind and is a criminal, but he IS their father! If a mother does not want the infant conceived by rape or incest, again, then every effort should be made to keep that child within the family of origin. If that is not possible, then guardianship, not adoption, is in order. Maintain as much integrity of that person’s identity and family connections with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. Not adoption? NO. Never adoption. The mother of a rape-produced child has an obligation to her child to tell the truth of conception and birth. This is morally correct. The father who is a rapist, though he is in jail, has the right to know about his child and to explain himself when that child reaches adulthood. Think I’m crazy? A good friend of mine: her son’s pregnant girlfriend stabbed another pregnant woman to death. She gave birth three weeks later in jail (where she is serving 25 years to life) and the baby was removed from her care. That infant and her two other siblings were given to the father to raise. And the mother is not only named on the birth certificates, but she is in phone contact and mail contact with her three children who know their mother is in jail. The mother has visiting rights to her children, but they live across the state, so they have not visited with her yet.
What about a child born addicted to drugs, where the mother wants to choose adoption, so the child will not go to CPS? Children have rights to know their own parents! Being born to a drug addict is no excuse to sentence the child to life-long identity theft and family theft. I am a social worker and have worked with such mothers.
Gert speaking…LIE, she has NEVER worked as a social worker because she is can not hold a job because of her mental disabilities. Most of her ‘talk’ about all these situations are part and parcel of social work, she reads and talks about it, she goes to conventions, but she NEVER has held a job as a social worker…beware of the lying. 
CPS and other agencies get involved with a list of tasks the mother must accomplish in order to be reunified with her child. If the drug addict cannot overcome the addiction, the child is placed in foster homes and family connections maintained, especially if there are other children involved. Drug addict or extreme abuser or neglect? Of course remove the child into protective custody! Find someone within the family to care for the child, if that is not possible, legal guardianship is preferred over permanent adoption which results in the destruction of the child’s personal and family identity.
What about women who are incarcerated that have no familial contact or support? See my comment above. Being in prison does not mean these parents are not parents. They are! And they have rights. And they have visitors and their children visit them and write to them. You cannot punish the child for the crime that a parent commits. The child has a right to know her own mother and father, siblings, extended family. Period.
What about professional birthmothers who are more concerned with gestating a child for profit, rather than parenting? I have never heard of this term: professional birthmothers. Sounds like you made this up. Yes, I am against surrogate mothers of any type. There is the surrogate mother who is impregnated with the sperm of a donor who may be married to a woman who does not want to be pregnant or cannot be pregnant. This type of surrogate mother uses her own egg and then receives a fee and relinquishes her baby. There are surrogates who are impregnated with a fertilized egg and then relinquish the baby to a contractual couple or single parent. I have researched this for decades and have written extensively on this topic in my local paper. I went to Washington DC in 2004 to address the President’s Council on Bioethics:
Gert speaking here…And how did Joan get all the money for conventions and such…from the adopted mother! And who raised Joan’s two children while Joan is either going to adoption conferences and such or causing trouble with family members or sick with her mental illnesses…the adopted mother raised the children!
 I am no fan of sperm donors or egg donors or embryo transfers. No embryo can be legally adopted so there is no such thing as embryo adoption. Adults who partake of these follies are playing God with the lives of the children who are created this way. Should be illegal. Just ask the adults who are products of these inventions of the rich to create children for themselves. These donor-conceived people do not appreciate being forced into a life of lies. The adult children of sperm donors and surrogate mothers are writing their own blogs about how it feels.
 What about grandparents who do not want to raise their teenager’s child?
They will regret turning their backs on their own grandchild someday.
Some parents are severely mentally ill and cannot parent their children. Still, everything that I’ve said here still applies: do not think that adoption is the answer. Read and re-read this comment until you understand that the truth browbeating, belittling, bullying of birth and the birthname and the family of origin are extremely important to adoptees who would much prefer not to have been adopted.
I have been involved in adoption reform since I was 18 in 1974. The stories I’ve heard would curl you hair. Adoptees are resentful. Listen to us.
Gert speaking here…This site is misleading…it’s the title of the now pulled from publication book because of the libelous material in it and it is a hate site against the birth siblings and those that adopt.
Daniel says: “How much more love is expressed taking care of someone I don’t legally make mine?”
I’d like to point out that there is another option that is rarely given a glimpse these days. It is the legal option of being a legal guardian. I once knew a man who lost his mother when he was three years old. A few years later, his father also died. His grandparents left his identity at birth intact and chose to be his legal guardians. He was loved, well taken care of, and had a happy childhood, and was kept within his original family. But in these last few decades we hear of grandparents adopting their grandchildren, thus, all that identity changes occur, relationship changes occur, and the adoptee lives a life of confusion and falsified birth documents.
Strangers who want to give a home and love to a child who needs a home can do so without changing her or his birth name, without casting aside the family of origin, and maintaining contact with extended family and immediate family. This would truly be love because then, the parent figures are not making the child theirs. Adoption is an act of possession.
Gert speaking here…Personal opinion colored by her hatred for the institution of adoption.
I am not saying I do not love my adoptive parents. I do. I resent the lies and the changing of my identity. I also resent being forced away from the family I was born into. Read up on Stockholm Syndrome. That’s how I feel. This situation was forced upon me. In order to survive, I developed attachments and love toward the people who adopted me, but I grieved for the loss of the parents and family I was taken from. True, I was relinquished, but the infant adoptee instinctually feels the loss. Adoptees do feel abandoned.
Gert speaking here…Obvious mental concerns here…she has been abused, it comes out in all her statements…she was abused sometime in her young life by someone in the adopted family…because she WAS NOT known to the birth family until she was 18. Her own way of getting revenge for all the resentment she has is to constantly tell her versions to anyone who adopts.
 While I do not know Daniel personally, I do agree with everything he has said on this comment section.
Gert speaking here…Because he is another one of those adoptees on that forum that find and go after pro-adoption people, like this site.
We are adoptees of different backgrounds. Daniel was adopted from his homeland of Lebanon, brought to the States, and has moved back to his homeland. I was born and adopted in Western New Your State. I did not have to move back to my homeland. I grew up in the same city in which I was born.
It is difficult for adoptive parents to see our point of view. You’ve already adopted your children and some of you may be in the process again. To you, you want a child and see religion and your spiritual beliefs as guiding you to help a child in need. But Daniel and I WERE those children “in need”. Daniel has a deeper understanding of the world view of what it is like to be adopted into America from a distant country, distant to US that is. He knows how it feels to be deprived of his native culture and language. Me, I am a domestic adoptee, a grey market, private adoption. But I am no different. When Daniel speaks of power and control, people of money and the poor, I know.
Gert speaking here… Why not accept the life that was given instead of hating it and everyone in it.
 My father not only lost his wife to an early death, but he had just secured a job that would keep him for life. It didn’t pay well, but the job was secure. He was hired for life. Everything that he worked so hard to achieve: education in his field, building a family, and then, poof, it was all gone, except the job. He had no choice but to go to work every day.
Gert speaking here… Not correct….this is a personal assessment of my father’s life that the adopted mother put into Joan’s head. In the lying book Joan goes out of her way to paint my father as being ‘dirt poor’ but here she says he had a job, education…lies…lies…lies…she can’t keep them straight!
 Meanwhile, my adoptive mother had to quit her job as a condition of the adoption so she could stay home all day to take care of me.
Gert speaking here… Here is the agenda of the adopted mother and Joan…that the adopted parents had to give something up when they adopted and then later in life, they WANTED something from my father…who was better off then them! Worse than faulty logic…it’s more like a blackmail attempt. The main reason that Joan was placed for adoption was that there was NO ONE to care of her, and the adopted parents were able to TAKE care of her.
 My adoptive father had a good paying, life-long secure job that paid slightly more than my natural father’s job. The court wrote all the financials down in the home study. Clearly, my adoptive parents paid cash, in full, for a house out in the suburbs. It was a modest home, but my natural father did not own a home. I went to a private school, had a huge yard to play in, and had a bedroom to myself. Perfect little family. We had more money than my natural father did, not by much, but when the number of children is taken into consideration and the fact that my father re-married and would have to support her, too, well, the money didn’t go very far.
Gert speaking here… Blackmail attempt logic….she did attempt it with my father, but he was not stupid and he told her to get out! The issue is that Joan and the adopted mother CAN NOT use what happened in 1956 with their situation in 2009 as a reason to say that because the adopted parents ‘babysat’ for the child for 18 years and now they are in financial need for my father to pay them back!
 Upon reunion, my siblings used this against me. They were jealous of my house, my yard, my education (private grade school, private high school, private college). They were jealous that I had a bedroom all to myself. They were jealous that I had hand-sewn clothes and curtains and bedspread. According to them, I had all the luxuries they did not have while they grew up. When their step mother died a few years later, they went into an orphanage and foster home. The stable home I grew up in was seen by my siblings as a luxury that they did not have, so, upon our reunion, they picked on me, called me a spoiled brat.
Gert speaking here… Joan is putting things all together and mixing things up. We did not know her until we all were adults….all we kept telling her was that she should be gratiful for what she has, but she never has been thankful….only resentful. She has to tell all these things, which are falsehoods, about and against us, the birth family, because she hates her life and us.  
They had each other. I was raised an only child, deprived of them. I was lonely and alone for my childhood. The setup had been made long before our reunion. I was set aside from my siblings in a different world. Because of our differences, despite all that we had in common, our relationships could not last.
Gert speaking here… It’s about her behavior and nothing else.
Also, I was the only one given up for adoption and therefore, the only one who needed to learn about adoption and had to go to mental health counseling to piece my life back together. I was shunned because of that. It would have been nice if my natural family and adoptive family supported me in counseling (and if they went to counseling, too) so that they could get a better understanding about adoption and how it affected them. It would have been nice if my natural and adoptive families would have been open to reading the adoption reform books that I read (adoption psychology, adoptive family structure, laws), and attended adoption conferences to learn. But no one else wanted to take that step. I learned; they did not. I was highly criticized for “being obsessed” with adoption.
Here’s other facts that I figured out when I went through family histories:
Gert speaking here… this is all so unnecessary…it’s all based on flawed logic and has NOTHING to do with us the birth family that she constantly exposes, exploits and harasses because she has a hard-on against adoption…she is dangereous.
 There were a total of 36 half orphans in my two adoptive families, and my natural mother’s family. My natural father’s family did not have any half orphans. A half orphan is a child who loses one parent to death. There were aunts who lost a husband, cousins who lost a husband, and all those children added up. More importantly, in the psychology of three out of four of my families, this is what happened:
Long before I was born and adopted, my future adoptive father’s father had a wife and two children, born around 1908. The wife died, leaving her husband with 2 children. He got married again. This wife had 8 children, the eldest of which became my adoptive father. But the father died when the eldest of these 8 children was 11 years old. This happened in the 1920s. The eldest child quit school and became the man of the house. He scavenged the streets, picking up broken furniture and radios to fix to earn money to support his mother and keep his siblings together. The two older brothers were in the service and they sent home money, too. These siblings were allowed to know each other and adoption was not an option; they would not lose each other because their father died. They were also allowed contact with the father’s extended family. Remember that I told you about the two older brothers whose mother had died. They had not lost touch with their deceased mother’s family. That family line is directly related to my natural mother. But, because I was later adopted, I was never supposed to know this fact, or any of this history, because adoptees just aren’t supposed to be told anything about their blood lines.
My adoptive mother’s mother died in 1918 of the flu. She left behind a husband and 4 children. Their father worked six days a week, paid for their keep in an orphanage, and visited his children every Sunday. The kids grew up knowing each other, knowing their father, and knowing their deceased mother’s family. In fact, the father absolutely would not allow the nuns to allow any of his children to be adopted out. He went back to Italy, married a second wife, and she moved here and had a daughter – half sister to the other children.
My natural mother was the 11th of 12 children. When my mother was 13 years old and most of her older siblings were grown, her mother died. Her father remarried when she was an older teen, but my mother, her younger brother, never were given up for adoption. All the siblings were allowed contact with their deceased mother’s family. My natural mother did not know that she would grow up to have 5 children, and die when they were under the age of 9. My natural mother never imagined that her youngest child would be given up for adoption by her widowed husband.
Gert speaking here… Why is she exploiting my family? Because she hates her life!
With all of these 36 half orphans combined in three out of four of my families, I am the only one who was relinquished and then adopted into a closed and secret adoption. If it was alright for all the others to be kept by the remaining parent and allowed sibling contact, and allowed extended family contact, why was I deprived of the same rights? I was treated as an outcast, as someone who didn’t fit in, as a spoiled brat, as a chosen child. All of the adults KNEW the family connections and THEY allowed themselves to visit between my blood family and my adoptive family, conveniently leaving out my natural father and myself and my siblings. The Surrogate Court believed that my adoption was a closed and secret adoption, but the court did not know that other relatives made up their own rules and played a different game. See the problems here? The Court Judge told my father to stay away from me and my adoptive parents while they raised me, but the Judge did not know that my extended adoptive family would be socializing with my deceased natural mother’s family. They did so because we were related anyway! But they held it against me because, as an adoptee, I should never know the truth.
I should have been kept by my father, just as all the other half orphans in these families. THEY had the luxury of family connectedness and THEY all prevented me from those same connections. Hypocrites, all of them: especially my adoptive parents. My natural father was used. He did not know about this ongoing contact, if he was told it was going to happen, he would have made other plans for me. Maybe he would have kept me. He told me so years into our reunion. He wanted to keep me but felt pressure to give me up.
Am I resentful? Yes. All those years of growing up hearing these words spoken at Mass: “bow our heads now and pray for the faithfully departed”. I was never allowed to properly grieve my mother’s death, never allowed to go to her grave, nor was I told how she died. That all took place after my reunion.
I had a different life than my siblings. I might have been better off as a child, in certain monetary gains, but what I lost is immeasurable.
What is my intention writing here? To educate adoptive parents to tell the truth. And, if I can prevent another adoption, I will be successful. No child deserves to be separated permanently and needlessly from their family of birth. No child deserves to have their birth name permanently erased and sealed and have new name assigned to them on a falsified birth certificate.
Gert speaking here… No her intention here is to browbeat and bully you into NOT adopting, because the only thing she knows is that adoption is the cause of her sickness….when in fact…it is the abuse she had as a child that is the cause…and certainly the  birth family have NOTHING to do with why Joan is sick!
 Relinquishment is wrong. Adoption is wrong. Adoptees are telling our stories. Take heed of what we say.
Gert speaking here… See the bullying!
I am a birth sister of Joan Wheeler’s and am appalled at her continued bantering of falsehoods regarding her adoption. She says: At his wife’s funeral, a Catholic priest said to him, “The baby needs two parents”. And a woman approached him and said, “I know someone who will take your baby.” Her brother and his wife became my adoptive parents.
No, my mother’s sister’s childhood friend had a brother whose wife was infertile. My aunt and her brothers asked my father after my mother died, “what are you goint to do about the baby?” My aunt suggested the adoption by her friend’s brother. My father consulted the priest. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED AT THE FUNERAL. I have heard the stories from not only my father, but my aunt, and my uncles.
Joan also says: The Christmas after I was born, and two weeks before my adoption was to be finalized, my adoptive parents bought a Christmas tree and presents for my four older siblings, ages 3, 6, 8 and 9. The kids were in bed when they delivered and set up the tree and gave my father the presents. They must have had a babysitter for me so they could do this act of charity. My adoptive mother told me that she and my adoptive father wanted to do something nice for my natural father and his children so they would have a nice Christmas. Imagine how my natural father felt receiving these gifts in exchange for his 5th child? His other children never knew where the tree came from or the presents.
This is a lie. My father worked as an engineer at Buffalo’s City Hall and was making good money. Six months after my mother died in March 1956, he remarried (Summer 1956) to a woman from a large Italian family. There was no need for ANYbody to send over a tree and gifts. This story may have been told to Joan by her adoptive parents because they lived in a suburb of Buffalo, while we continued to live in the “inner city.” Joan was raised as a spoiled only child, with hand-made dresses. The rest of us, as kids from any large family would, wear hand-me-downs. So what? We also had many fine Christmases provided by my father and his second wife, many gifts from both sets of my birth grandparents and my stepgrandmother and her son and daughters. If anything, we kids PROSPERED with so many relatives!
Joan further says that we birth siblings ruined her life, and our reunion with her. She says that at age 18, she was unprepared for the reunion. She says we were out of bounds. NO, my sister Gert asked an adoption agency and they said that there was no restrictions on siblings to find adopted out relatives. No, we did not consult our father, but after he was reuinted with Joan, he was happy to see his daughter again. Joan made the concious decision BEFORE we found her to search for us, so that negates her statement that she was unprepared. Joan says we ridiculed her for her anti-adoption stand. No we did not. I myself appeared with her for a tv news interview on WGRZ tv Buffalo, New York AND I encourged her to write a book. Sad to say, her book was full of hate directed at her birth family, me in particular. In May of 2011 we were successful in having her book pulled from publication due to the slander and lies contained in it.
Joan also fails to tell people on this site and elsewhere WHY our reunion turned sour. Because she interfered with parental authority, she stole money from us, in my case it was hundreds of dollars, and she called my job repeatedly to get me fired over a false accusation. She sent harassing letters to me, one said that my infertile husband got the next door neighbor pregnant.For Joan to get on the internet and spread such lies, while being guilty of lies herseld speaks volumes of her character.
Click on my name to go my blog Refuting a Book of Lies: Forbidden Family by Joan Wheeler, where we take every lie contained in Joan’s book and present the truth – with documetnted proof of her lies: actual court documents (one of her lies was that I have an arrest and criminal record – which is false and slander) – and actual letter written by Joan herself. I am NOT against adoptee rights. I am just against this particular adoptee who has spread lies about me for more than 30 and ruined our reunion with her because of her immoral activity. She says we wanted to mold our baby sister into what we wanted? NO, all we wanted was someone who didn’t lie to us, create trouble, steal from us, and wreak havoc in our lives.
in one of her numerous nonsense comments, Joan Wheeler mentions that her boyfriend’s father died in November (2011) – like that had something to do with the topic here) HOWEVER, during a check at The Buffalo News just 10 minutes ago, I found that the man died on October 30, 2011. Okay, it was only a couple of days before November, but we see how JOAN DOESN’T GET THE FACTS RIGHT!
I have caught her in many of these little slip-ups in her book. Like the time she was describing a fight she had after a party of my younger brother’s First Holy Communion. She described the day as cold and rainy. I posted pictures of my stepsister who was wearing a dress with spaghetti straps. Full sunlight streaming in the windows! And a check in the library on the mircrofilmed newspaper for that day – the weather was listed as “warm and sunny.”
Nitpicking? Not when you are dealing with the facts of people’s lives – which Joan turns completely around to suit her fantasy of what happened – which in turns means: CAN YOU TRUST WHAT JOAN SAYS ABOUT HER BIRTH FAMILY?
For example, this nonsense about my father accepting a xmas tree the year after she was born – which would make it Dec. 1956 (actually 11 months after she was born, considering she was born in January). In December 1956, I was 4 years old, yet she says I was 3. And she gets all the ages of my siblings wrong.
This is the example of an author of a non-fiction book? Her book that is full of mistakes just like this – plus the lies we found in it. – I see in my previous comment that I am guilty of a couple of typos. Typos are one thing – but as I said, when you are dealing with people’s lives, expecially telling stories about them – the truth is important. By the way – Joan publishled a photograph on the back of her book – a family photo taken in 1955 – before she was born. She lied to the publisher when she said she had full copyrights to the photo. The photo was of me, my siblings and my parents. She published my childhood picture on a book to make monies off my image – but I never gave her permission, in writing or orally to do so. When the publisher found out, along with the documented proof that Joan slandered me – her book was pulled from publication.
Erica says: February 9, 2012 at 11:31 am I have approved of these comments regarding your side of your birth families’ story, but will ask that any future comments from yourself or Joan regarding this topic, be done personally, or on your own site. I absolutely understand your desire to defend yourself, and your family when you feel you are being wronged (especially publicly), but I do not want my site to become the place to do this. I would like to keep the focus of this post for people who are considering adoption and don’t know where to begin. Thanks for understanding!
Erica, I thank you for posting my comment – there are two sides to every story and you are fair and gracious to have let my side to have been heard.
yes, people should keep their comments to the topic at hand. And this topic was for adoption. The comments should also be truthful. Because when the truth is not told, or the topic is not adhered to, confusion is the result. I say kudos to those who want to consider adoption. They should know all the facts. I am also for adoptee rights. Truth in their documentation should be a must. However, militant tactics and lies only hurt and confuse people. And make enemies of those who would might otherwise help in ways that are not known.
Erica, please let me extend to you my apologys for the drama posted here. – Ruth
end part two

UPDATE JUNE 2016; as older posts are being seen I’m updating with links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ another ‘revised’ version. This woman has no shame no sense of family honor!


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