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Why did Joan’s reunion go bad? Was it because of Joan or was it because of those nasty birth sisters? Or was it just doomed from the start? part two

by on April 6, 2012

Joan’s complaint, about her reunion, going bad, is that she was lied to and harassed! Gee, that is probably where and how she learned how to lie and harass, because, not only did she do that all during our reunion, but then, she did it again, with complete malice of foresight, in writing and publishing a lying libelous hateful book!

see updated info at end of post

Little did Joan realize in 2009 that her long awaited book would have a very very short life. It was pulled by the publisher May 2011. To this fact all Joan can say is that the book is not dead, only sleeping! What an asshole!

There really isn’t a whole lot that can be said about Joan’s ranting and raving…but if one pays close attention, to her words, you can see, not only her anger, but the various kinds of negative self-talk she has used for decades, and how she attempts to overturn those negative statements. Only problem is, is that it is ingrained in her very cells! She can not remove the negative aspects of her self-talk or her behavior any more than she can change the color of her skin! She is what she is and she will never change. Unless…she learns to drop all the hate and anger and remove the two hateful lying blogs against the birth family and then learn to accept her lot in life…that she was adopted!

So was she lied to? No, she was adopted! Was she harassed? By adoptive family, perhaps at the very least that family had loads of negativity. By the birth family, no, the only harassment she got from us, was us telling her to get away from us! But she kept coming back and back and back…and then published a book. With that act of hate she opened herself up for full and total disclosure by us.

Now here is Joan’s words, in italic, from her site, Forbidden Family. My comments will be noted in bold.

It is Not Reunion I Resent – it is Being Lied to and Harassed 10 Dec 2009 @ 2:28 AM

I was checking my trackers when someone’s search words caught my eye: “adoption reunion resentment”. Let me make this clear: I will not be the Poster Girl for Bad Reunions. You will have to read my book to know the whole story.

Gert’s comment: right! she spent 30 years writing it and wanted to make millions off it and get a movie deal too.

I was lied to be my adoptive parents for the first 18 years of my life. They did not EVER want me to know my own siblings. Siblings that they knew I had! Siblings who lived just a 20 minute drive away! When those siblings called me on the phone and shocked the living hell out of me when I was 18 years old, I was not mad at them. I was in deep, profound, emotional shock! My adoptive parents lied to me and prevented me from having meaningful relationships with my own siblings and my blood cousins, but it was alright for other members of my adoptive family to socialize with my own blood kin!

Gert’s comment: Adoption means that the adoptive parents NOT tell the child the identity of the birth parents/family. The fact that Joan refuses to understand and accept this is the reason for her miserable life and why she hates everything adoption. No one is more a fool than a fool who doesn’t know they are a fool.

I was happy to meet my siblings, my niece and nephew, my father, and I was grieving the loss of my dead mother for the first time in my life. Do not for one second label me as against reunions!!!!

Gert’s comment: Joan only wanted a ‘fairy tale reunion’ and when that didn’t happen she let loose her wrath!

My reunion turned sour because I was getting abuse from my adoptive mother who never wanted me to know the truth. I was getting abuse from adoptive relatives who believed I was disloyal to my adoptive parents for accepting a phone call from my own siblings! I was seen as the villain by my many of my adoptive relatives.

Gert’ comment: Here she tells us that the abuse she got came from the adoptive mother and relatives. If that is true than why has she said that the birth sisters abused her?

A few of my adoptive aunts took me kindly aside to explain what they knew. The point is: if THEY knew, I should have known all along. Not only that, but my natural father was completely unaware that the adoption contract was broken. He put his trust into the couple he chose to adopt me, but he was not told that there would be socializing going on with his deceased wife’s family. If my adoptive father’s family and my deceased mother’s family allowed themselves to socialize, but left my father out of it, then his rights were violated. He was also unaware that rumors were spread about him, rumors that affected how I was treated by my extended adopted family.

Gert’s comment: What Joan has never accepts is that family always ‘shares’ information amongst themselves and at times excludes certain family members from the sharing. Joan has no conception of how family units operate and because she doesn’t know and understand, she applies her flawed reasoning upon other situations and people. This was/is the core problem in trying to reason with Joan. There is no way to reason with a fool who doesn’t know they are a fool.

In my beginning stages of my reunion, and for decades after, I could not be everything to everyone. I was expected to learn my family history, learn names, dates, go here, go there, finish high school, go to college, and be OKAY. No one was concerned for my emotional or mental health. I was alone, until I went to a support group for adoptees. The group met once a month. Then, I went to an Adoption Forum of Philadelphia Day – long adoption conference. I met authors, natural mothers, and adoptees who felt just like I did. I found friends. Back home, I was criticized for being in a reunion, and ridiculed by natural family and adoptive family for writing Letters to the Editor about adoptees rights. This was in the 1970s.

Gert’s comment: I can only speak for myself…I never expected Joan to be anything more than who she was. It was Joan’s own behavior that got in the way. Joan knows no personal boundaries and when she crossed a line and was told, she reacted negativily, as she still does today. If Joan believes that telling her story, over and over again, is a help to others, she is sadly mistaken. Her book was on the market for about a year and a half and it was NOT selling! No one is interested in her life story, and they are less interested in reading and hearing all about her anger and rage! And if all this happened in the 70’s why, why, is it so important now? A lot of shit happened to me in the 70s and I let it go and moved on! Why can’t she?

I have been ridiculed for being an adoption activist, for standing up for what I believe in.

I am not against adoption reunions!!! I am against the lies, the deception of entire family groups, I am against being discriminated against for being an adoptee writing about my life.

My reunion went sour for many, many reasons. Too many for a blog to explain.

Gert’s comment: Too many reason to explain on a blog? and that is why she wrote a lying libelous book! No, Joan did not write a book about her life, she wrote a hate book to get back at everyone! She says so in the book! And that is why we the birth sisters got it pulled from publication! Joan’s reunion went sour because of Joan’s behavior and mental illness.

Message to adoptive parents: do not ever lie to your adoptees. THAT abuse destroys the parent-child relationship. To prevent an adoptee to live as a “only” child, knowing that there are siblings nearby, is child abuse. Divorced parents would face charges if they did that.

Gert’s comment: okay I’m all for not lying and if Joan is too, then why has she lied for decades? Why did she lie in that book, on web sites, on forums, on blogs? Because Joan is a liar. Joan doesn’t know a thing about child abuse. Look at her misguided and wrong logic…she is nothing but a fool who thinks she can tell the world what is wrong with it, according to her logic and thinking.

Reunions with blood kin can only work if all people work at it. My father worked at it, but could not handle me going public. He did not understand the politics of me being adopted. He felt guilty for giving me away and I have told him repeatedly that I never blamed him. I have a lovely step mother. My adoptive parents and my natural parents visited with each other. It was hardest on my adoptive mother since she did not want me to ever know my father. And my siblings and I had wonderful times together. I had a hard times adjusting. I was one person. They were many. I was overwhelmed. I was alone in my suffering.

Gert’s comment: Joan did not work at the reunion, she sabotaged it over and over again! She interferred in places she had no business in. She demanded apologies where none where needed. She hounded people to see her way and when they didn’t she turned on them. And what does it mean that she was ‘one person…they were many’? We each were one person and we each had the same adjusting to do, Joan is not unique, she is not ALONE in her suffering. Well, actually she is, because she refuses to let it go!

Reunions between families separated by adoption are positive, natural events, that, if handled with respect and dignity and honesty, can and do, work. Reunions happen with and without open birth and adoption records.

Gert’s comment: Like I said Joan was the one who refused to be respectful, dignified and honest.

DO NOT pin negativity upon me and blame “bad” reunions on me! Many relationships ebb and flow and some end. It is part of life. Not all families get along even without adoption separation and reunion. It is now nearly 36 years after my initial reunion. There are many relatives that have sustained relationships with me, and many who have not. The younger generations now are asking questions. Adoption, just like marriage, grows and changes as we all grow and age and die.

Gert’s comment: See…she is on the defensive, she’s not the cause and blame for a bad reunion! NO not Joan! Oh how thoughtful she is, how mature and how sick! The younger generations are now asking questions which means Joan can tell her pitiful story till the day she dies. How nice!

My adoptive mother is dying. She has faced some difficult issues. She has accepted that the falsified birth certificate must end, and in its place, an adoption certificate must tell the truth.

Gert’s comment: Yes, Joan why don’t you tell the truth…how you hounded that woman to the day she died, March of 2011, to get an apology she never gave you! That woman did nothing to you except to adopt you. So if the woman accepted the issue of falsified birth certificates, what good is that? Why haven’t you gotten to those that make the law to change the law? All you and other adoptees, that are angry, do is bitch about things and then go out and beat others up on the internet! You are a horse’s ass to think that you are changing anything.

My natural father read my book as I wrote it, twice, in these last few years. He gave his own input as to what happened. He also answered questions about the relinquishment, and, no, he was never promised confidentiality. He was told by the judge: “you must not interfere with your daughter’s life. She now is the adopted daughter in this new family. When she turns 18, you may find her again.”

Gert’s comment: Dad may have read a draft of the book, but he didn’t see it all and what he saw of it he thought it to be garbage! He may have given his input and answered questions, years back, but he certainly did NOT approve of the book.

Ahh, but single mothers who give up their babies, or rather, who are coerced into giving up their babies, are, and have been, told that they will never see their baby again.

Gert’s comments: I don’t understand why she is bringing this up…it has nothing to do with her adoption. She is comparing apples and oranges.

There is so much that is wrong about adoption itself. We need to focus on fixing those issues, which will then fix the reasons why relationships break down. There is much in adoption psychology of the entire family systems that cannot be explained in a blog. Read some adoption psychology books. They apply to family systems, and not just finger-pointing at the adoptee.

Gert’s comments: I would agree that people need to do their homework but I also don’t think Joan has the right approach or reasons. She is stuck on her impression that people have been finger-pointing at adoptees. She feels persecuted but that is not the reason why relationships break down, hers at least. Joan doesn’t understand that families don’t live via the psychology books, it functions or not, by the members in them. Joan will never accept individuals for who they are, she wants them to fit into her vission. If they don’t she argues with them and the relationship dissolves.

Society always must have scapegoats. That’s why illegitimates are called bastards. Cuss words. I resent it. Especially since I am a half orphan who should have been given respect, dignity, and honesty right from the very beginning of my adoption. Too many rumors. Too many untruths. Too much confusion for the adoptee.

Posted By: legitimatebastard
Last Edit: 29 Jan 2010 @ 07:31 PM

Gert’s comments: No illegitmates being bastards has nothing to do with scapegoats! Where does she get this nonsense? She believes she is being scapegoated. She doesn’t understand the legal basis behind illegitimate children and why they are called bastards. She thinks its a cuss word! And she is resentful…that is why she can’t figure anything out, because her resentment, anger, hate, and stupidity get in the way of her understanding. Why does she think she was not given respect, dignity and honesty from her birth and adoption? Too much confusion for the adoptee!!! She ought to be in the birth sisters’ shoes and feel our confusion!


UPDATE Dec 2015; as older posts are being seen I’m updating with links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ yet again, her ‘story’, NOW called ‘duped by adoption’. There is NOTHING in it for adoption reform, for she is totally against adoption and her two families. To learn more see…


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