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Blood, adoption, loyalty, personal feelings of love or hate, are NOT reasons to allow anyone to abuse you.

by on June 2, 2012

To SM, who left a comment on Ruth’s blog…we didn’t want your comment to get lost and so have also brought it here onto a new blog post. The comment was left on..

I want to thank you for leaving your comment. I can understand how this must pain you and I wish to offer you some comforting words…I hope.

Many years ago I came to an inner understanding and knowledge about ‘some’ of the aspects of human nature and how we ‘fit in’ with the whole scheme of things, particularly when bad things happen to us and our loved ones and/or when it ‘just doesn’t make sense’. If I may I would like to offer this to you.

Think of a human being, yourself and your adopted child, in this instance, as very much like a tomato plant. A tomato plant, starts like every other kind of being…with a seed and as it begins to grow…stuff happens to it…not enough sun, water, or nutrients in the soil and it starts to deteriorate, or, it gets just the right kind of sun, water and nutrients and continues to flourish. Each tomato plant is capable of producing many offsprings (fruit of the plant) and just like human beings, each offspring has to be looked after, and there is no guarantee that it will be a good fruit or a bad fruit. And, even with the best of intentions and work, any given tomato plant and individual fruit, is at the whim of nature and will ripen nicely or turn bad and get rotten. It isn’t a parent’s fault!

You can ask why and how all you want but there just isn’t any real good answer to why one person turned ‘bad’ and another not.

You are doing what you ought to be doing and what is RIGHT for your own survival and peace of mind and spirit. You can only be responsible for your own well-being and must protect yourself against those that harm you…including your son. You adopted a child, you loved the child and you did your duty to the child, but, when a child does destructive things, you must, as a parent, do what you are able to do to protect yourself and the child, if they are able to be reached. Some of these measures are not easy. I know for I had to distance myself from one of my own children when they decided to do things that were not acceptable. That child learned some of life’s hard lessons and became a good adult. Some children don’t or can’t. As a parent you must ‘let them go’. And you have taken a very important step…by admitting that you are relieved that you want nothing to do with the child and their behavior. It’s not up to you to ‘fix’ another’s life or be another’s victim.

Remember, the tomato plant…some fruit of the plant, gets eaten by bugs, falls off the stem of the plant onto the ground and begins to rot, or doesn’t get enough sun light…that is the way of nature.

Thank you for telling us your story and we hope that by sharing what has been done to us, by a blood sibling…placed into adoption…and how we are dealing with it…has helped you.

The comment….

I have an adopted child (currently 29 years of age). He has four children by three different women, does not work, does not pay child support. He thinks I am an ATM. Now that I am refusing to give him money, I am the lowest of the low. I don’t allow him to visit because he is a theif. I do not believe anythoing he says because he lies just because he has lips. I made him leave my home at age 18 because he was increasing his criminality. It culminated in him stealing my car, doing damage, and attempting to blame me for not letting him drive at other times. He could not understand that I don’t let people who use drugs, and have no drivers license, drive my car. He cries and says no one will hire him to work. Gee!, could having no drivers license, being a probationer at large for domestic violence, and having no work history for almost ten years , be a reason. He was placed with me at 6 months, secondary to physical abuse. He was raised well and loved unconditionally. At age 13, he started smoking dope, and impregnated a classmate. He eventually spiraled out of control. I really don’t want anything to do with him. I feel badly about this but I also feel relieved that I can finally admit this. I located his birth parents and introduced him. He doesn’t get along with either of the. He also doesn’t get along with any of the bio relatives.

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