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Joan Wheeler continues to believe that adoption is an evil that must be stamped out, even as she lies, some more, about the birth family.

by on September 6, 2012

 Joan continues to lie, to misrepresent, to fabricate, to trash and otherwise malign the good names of the birth family. We, the birth siblings, are here to prevent that; for however long that takes. Where ever I find her words I shall post our truths and expose Joan’s lies and dirty deeds.

It is becoming more and more apparent to me, since that libelous book of hers, was pulled from publication, in May 2011, and her continued appearances on pro-adoption sites, that she must have been abused as a child, by the adoptive parents/family. She hates the abuser(s) and the only way for her to get even is to be an abuser herself. We the birth family refuses to be Joan Wheeler’s victims….that is why we speak out against her. She can rant and rave all she wants, but, we will continue to EXPOSE her lies and dirty deeds.

While doing some research on Google I came upon the following site; to see the whole business please go there.

 Good things happen to Bad people. « notasaintorthebabysitternotasaintorthebabysitter.wordpress.com/…/good-things-happen-to-ba…May 11, 2012 – legitimatebastard. I honestly do not know where to begin. From the beginning of your post I suppose. I am 100% anti-adoption. No adoption …

The owner of this site posts the following…
In and around adoption there is a group of people that think adoption is never an acceptable option. NEVER – EVER! At least that is how they make it sound. No one can deny that many adoptions in the past, today and in the future happen with unwilling participants and/or evil uncaring people. War torn countries, poverty stricken societies and criminal activities all can and have contributed to illegal and unethical adoptions. Many have been deeply hurt by these disgraceful actions and I personally deplore them as I think most anyone with a conscience does. I am eager and willing to listen to anyone that wants to tell their story and if I can help with their healing I will. I’m not saying I have any power to heal but I would do anything in my power to make sure these situations do not happen in the future. Having said that I wish these same people would open their minds to the idea that in many – not all – situations, adoption is the best option for everyone involved. The child, the birth mother and the family of origin. All types of women get pregnant – Loving, caring, nurturing, attentive and good. On the other hand sometimes criminal, drug addicted, abusive, uncaring and bad women get pregnant. Are these the only women that end up in an adoption plan or have their children removed from them? Of course not, some women simply do not want to parent, or are not capable of parenting (even when given all available resources). Many times there is not a family member able or willing to raise these children. The number of scenarios  that see a child needing a “Permanent” home that does not include their biological mother are endless . So I ask “What now?” What do we do with these children? I would love to hear some suggestions from the “Never Adoption” people.
***

What then follows are some rather long comments from an angry adoptee. We, the birth family of Joan Wheeler, are NOT INTERESTED in any adoption reform movement positions; we are ONLY INTERESTED in stopping the lies of Joan Wheeler, as they pertain to our family. We are ONLY INTERESTED in the behavior of Joan Wheeler as it impacts upon us the birth family. And of course, as in a tag-team fashion, to back up the first angry anti-adoption commenter, Joan Wheeler, in one of her many screen name of legitmatebastard, posts several long comments, her usual wherein she hopes to convince the readers that she is right.

These posts of Joan’s were from May 21, 2012 to July 6, 2012

I, Gert, have had this information for over a month but was only recently able to follow up on it and placed the following comment on Sept 4, 2012

As a member of the birth family of legitimatebastard I can speak with knowledge that much of her presentations of her birth/adoption/reunion and it’s aftermath, are biased, from her hate and anger. I did not ever read ALL of what she commented here, for I know her lies, misrepresentations and fabrication…all too well.

I was her first target, in 1980/81 when she interfered with the adoption process of my own son, when I told her to butt out, she retaliated by calling child abuse, twice. Over the past 30+ years she has destroyed every relationship in the birth family and then…in 2009 wrote a libelous book, which has been pulled from publication, by the publisher, in 2011.

There will never be any change in her belief that adoption is evil, BUT, she can not continue to tell lies, misrepresent and fabricate and EXPLOIT my family. To that end we birth siblings, since that libelous hatefilled garbage was published, have put out our side of the stories and all of her dirty dealings. Our blogs at time are not easy to read, for there has been a lot from her that we have endured. Research behind the name is vital for knowing whom to trust.

I have no need to come back here for any rebuttals, thank you

see our blogs for more details gertmcqueen.wordpress.com ruthsippelpace.wordpress.com

I then shared it with Ruth and she left the following comment on Sept 6, 2012

 

Legitimate Bastard says: I do not blame my father for relinquishing me as he was grieving at the time and did what he was lead to believe was the right action. A few years ago, when he was recovering from open heart surgery, he cried out, “If only I had an education! If someone would have told me how to keep you!” That shows he regrets his decision.

I am a birth sibling of legitimate bastard. My father would NEVER say that he needed more education. He worked as a civil engineer in Buffalo’s City Hall. He made  good money. Yes, we lived in a “back apartment in a working class neighborhood.” (in the 50’s and 60’s. By the 70’s the neighborhood deteriorated – when L.B. went there in the 70’s she did not see how the neighborhood was actually a vibrant place with many shops and stores.

My mother’s sister had a childhood friend who’s brother and his wife could not have children. My mother’s brother had L.B. living with him for the first couple of months of her life. My uncle and aunt asked my father what was he going to do with the children. My aunt told him about her childhood friend. My father THEN consulted his parish priest. He agreed to relinguish her for adoption. The final papers were not signed for another year. He had ample time to reconsider. He was NOT coerced at my mother’s wake.
In 1956, there were no daycare centers. Welfare did exist as it does now. My father’s parents were elderly, could not take care of 4 young kids and an infant. My mother’s siblings also had large families and could not do it. My aunt was in her 40’s, just had her youngest, with a 3 year old and a 5 year old at home.

So let’s just say for the sake of argument that my father went and had more education. He would STILL have to go to work everyday to provide for the family. So what L.B. says makes no sense. My father was not stupid. He had a GED, then went on to learn blueprints, drafting, etc to become a civil engineer.

As to L.B. saying family members harassed her – no, we always tried to set her fibs straight. My commenting here, with the truth of MY father will be considered harassment by her. But she won’t tell you of the harassments she did to us that got her removed from our family just 6 years after we found her.

I see she never answered what should be done with the children who don’t have family members to take them in.

I have a blog here on wordpress that details the many out and out lies L.B. told in her book that she self-published in 2009 – the one that got yanked from publication because with actual court documents I was able to prove that I was slandered in the book.
thank you for your time
Ruth
oh – I did an oopsey – I meant to type that welfare did NOT exist in 1956 as it does now. – sorry. September 6, 2012 at 4:40 pm

So Joan Wheeler will continue on spreading her untruths anywhere she can…but…the birth siblings will also be right there, EXPOSING HER. At some point in time those that are hanging on to her coat tails will ‘let go’ because Joan Wheeler’s reputation is CATCHING UP WITH HER.

PS…I have LOTS more drafts, of Joan’s activities, that I am working on…so think about it! Do you really want Joan Wheeler as a tag-teammate? If you do, you will be tainted just as she is!

People are watching!

gertmcqueen permalink

BTW here are all of Joan’s posts on this blog
1.
legitimatebastard
I honestly do not know where to begin. From the beginning of your post I suppose.I am 100% anti-adoption. No adoption, ever, never. Under any circumstances, never. And with good reason.
I wonder if you really are “eager and willing to listen to anyone that wants to tell their story”. If so, you will print my story, listen (read), and consider what happened to me. I am not asking you to heal me; I am asking you to open your mind to why I am anti-adoption.
On one hand, you speak of “the unwed mother” and her illegitimate child while on the other hand, you speak of war and poverty stricken societies. I come from neither. Your examples don’t apply to me.
I resent these assumptions and stereotypes. But you are a product of your society and so am I.
Back in 1930, when the “problem of illegitimacy” had to be solved, a law was written to hide the transgressions of the “unwed” mother (no mention of the unwed father) and to resurrect the bastard child: closed, sealed adoption became the law and each state voted to accept a version of the model law. Decades passed and now we still talk of the problem of the “unwed mother”.
Orphanages were built. Then the foster care system started and adoption became a money-making business.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Underlying all of this is the law that began in 1930 that sealed birth certificates of adoptees and issued new birth certificates for them in all but two states (Kansas and Alaska).
This law never addressed all circumstances in which a child might be relinquished and adopted.
I was born the fifth child to married parents. My 30 year old mother was dying when she was pregnant with me; she died when I was three months old. No one, not even Catholic Charities, came forward to help my father keep his family together. Instead, a Catholic priest said, “The baby needs two parents”. At my mother’s wake, a woman approached my father (age 31) and said, “I know someone who will take your baby.” Her brother and his wife then made themselves known to my father. My father, in his grief, agreed to relinquish me to their care one month after the death of my mother. One year and one week after my birth, my adoption was finalized. The Judge ordered my birth certificate sealed and a new one issued to state that I was born to my new parents and given the name they chose for me. But I was baptized at the bedside of my dying mother. Three years later, the Catholic church issued a new baptismal certificate under my adoptive name (no, I was not baptized twice as that is against Cannon Law). Apparently, lying on a new baptismal certificate is not against Cannon Law.
I was raised an only child for the first 18 years of my life. My adoptive parents never wanted me to know the truth. So when my four older siblings found me, I was in shock. No, this was not a happy reunion. The idea that there could ever be such a thing is absurd. To place a young adult still in high school in this impossible situation is cruel and inhumane. As you can imagine, I resented my adoptive parents for intentionally lying to me (though still loved them, thus, the conflict). They only told me that my mother died and that my father was alive, not that I had siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. No, I never held it against my father for giving me up. But I do blame everyone around me who knew the family secret, knew each other, and sneered at, jeered at, and talked about me behind my back.
To expect that I would be happy to be reunited is to expect that I would be happy to be separated from my family to begin with. The emotional toll on me, my adoptive parents, my natural father, my step mother, my siblings, and later, my now-ex-husband, and my children, is too high a price to pay for my wonderful, happy, secure, two-parent, lonely and isolated childhood.
Oh yeah, I also had to integrate two identities into one. Learning one’s name at birth at age 18, learning of the life I was born into and deprived of, learning how my mother died, seeing faces who looked like me for the first time, trying to learn who was who in over 100 reunited-with relatives was too much on me. I was alone in coping with it all as there were no reliable adoptee-oriented therapists at that time (1974). To lay the burden of needing mental health therapy at age 18 and beyond because of the secrets and lies of adoption is a stigma and shame far worse than being born a bastard in need of saving.
To live the last 38 years in a legal prison is another hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am not allowed to obtain a certified copy, or even an uncertified copy, of my vault long form birth certificate. My legal birth certificate is a lie. Millions of American adoptees, illegitimate or not, suffer the same under present sealed and falsified birth certificate laws.
Undo these laws. Make it illegal to falsify birth certificates for adoptees. Unseal our true birth certificates and issue instead adoption certificates that tell the truth of our adoptions. Then, undo the adoption system. Prevent the unnecessary permanent separation of babies from their mothers and fathers by respecting who the infant is, who the parents are, who the siblings are, and provide for the care of families who need help.
I doubt seriously if you will have the courage to post this comment. If you don’t, I know just where you stand. May 21, 2012 at 7:48 am
2.
legitimatebastard
I wonder if you really are “eager and willing to listen to anyone that wants to tell their story”. If so, you will print my story, listen (read), and consider what happened to me. I am not asking you to heal me; I am asking you to open your mind as to why I am anti-adoption. Sure, I “had a bad experience” and I came out of it with a deeper understanding of what adoption actually is. This has changed my life course, took me away from what I thought would be my life, and influenced me to study the social forces, psychology and the laws that make up adoption in my state and country.
On one hand, you speak of “the unwed mother” and her illegitimate child while on the other hand you speak of war and poverty stricken societies. I come from neither. Your examples don’t apply to me.
I resent these assumptions and stereotypes. But you are a product of your society and so am I. Back in 1930, when the “problem of illegitimacy” had to be solved, a law was written to hide the transgressions of the “unwed” mother (no mention of the unwed father) and to resurrect the bastard child: closed, sealed adoption became the model national law and each state voted to accept a version, modified to meet whatever the state legislators wanted to change, into their state laws. Decades passed and now we still talk of the problem of the “unwed mother”.
Orphanages were built. Then the foster care system started and adoption became a money-making business.
Underlying all of this is the law that began in 1930 that sealed birth certificates of adoptees and issued new birth certificates for them in all but two states (Kansas and Alaska).
This law never addressed all circumstances in which a child might be relinquished and adopted; instead, it was assumed that all infants born to “unwed” mothers should be re-born legitimately to married parents. Adoption was seen as legitimizing the illegitimate. But the law did not prepare for orphans and half orphans or other children who were born legitimately who did not need to be re-born into a superior class of babies.
I was born the fifth child to married parents. My 30 year old mother was dying when she was pregnant with me; she died when I was three months old. No one, not even Catholic Charities, came forward to help my father keep his family together. Instead, a Catholic priest said, “The baby needs two parents”. At my mother’s wake, a woman approached my father (age 31) and said, “I know someone who will take your baby.” Her brother and his wife then made themselves known to my father. In his grief, my father agreed to relinquish me to their care one month after the death of my mother. One year and one week after my birth, my adoption was finalized. The Judge ordered my birth certificate sealed and a new one issued to state that I was born to my new parents and given the name they chose for me. But I was baptized at the bedside of my dying mother. Three years later, the Catholic Church issued a new baptismal certificate under my adoptive name. No, I was not baptized twice as that is against Cannon Law. Apparently, lying on a new baptismal certificate is not against Cannon Law.
I was raised an only child for the first 18 years of my life. My adoptive parents never wanted me to know the truth. So when my four older siblings found me, I was in shock. No, this was not a happy reunion. The idea that there could ever be such a thing is absurd. (The goal is not to have the adoptee go an x-number of years to wait to have a joyous reunion with natural family, as if that, in itself, should be glorified). To place a young adult still in high school in this impossible situation is cruel and inhumane. As you can imagine, I resented my adoptive parents for intentionally lying to me (though I still loved them, thus, the conflict). During my childhood, they told me only twice that my mother died and that my father was alive, not that I had siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. No, I never held it against my father for giving me up. But I do blame everyone around me who knew the family secret, knew each other, and sneered at, jeered at, and talked about me behind my back. My natural father was not part of this scenario. He was left out. The people who colluded in the conspiracy were my extended adoptive family and my natural mother’s extended family.
To expect that I would be happy to be reunited is to expect that I would be happy to be separated from my family to begin with. The emotional toll on me, my adoptive parents, my natural father, my step mother, my siblings, and later, my now-ex-husband, and my children, is too high a price to pay for my wonderful, happy, secure, two-parent, lonely and isolated childhood.
Oh yeah, I also had to integrate two identities into one. Learning one’s name at birth at age 18, learning of the life I was born into and deprived of, learning how my mother died, seeing faces who looked like me for the first time, trying to learn who was who in over 100 reunited-with relatives was too much on me. I was alone in coping with it all as there were no reliable adoptee-oriented therapists at that time (1974). To lay the burden of needing mental health therapy at age 18 and beyond because of the secrets and lies of adoption is a burden, a stigma, and shame far worse than being born a bastard in need of saving.
To live the last 38 years in an emotional prison and 55 of my 56 years of life in a legal trap are other hells I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am not allowed to obtain a certified copy, or even an uncertified copy, of my vault long form birth certificate. My legal birth certificate is a lie. Millions of American adoptees, illegitimate or not, suffer the same under past and present sealed and falsified birth certificate laws.
Undo these laws. Make it illegal to falsify birth certificates for adoptees. Unseal our true birth certificates and issue instead adoption certificates that tell the truth of our adoptions. Then, undo the adoption system. Prevent the unnecessary permanent separation of babies from their mothers and fathers by respecting who the infant is, who the parents are, who the siblings are, and provide for the care of families who need help.
I doubt seriously if you will have the courage to post this comment. If you don’t, I know just where you stand; meaning, you don’t want to know the destruction that adoption causes. May 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm
legitimatebastard
By the way, I was not a “gift” to my adopting parents. I was the infant of two other parents. I had a name, a family, a home — I did not need a new name, a new family, nor did I need a new home.
At the time of my relinquishment, my father (and his wife when she was alive, and their four children) lived in the back apartment of a working-class to poor neighborhood in a major city. While he did not know the couple who would adopt his baby, he was given their address and phone number within days of my mother’s death. Yes, he made the decision to give me up for adoption, but he was given no help at all to keep his family together. Adoption was the only option available to him.
Ironically, the couple who would become my adoptive parents lived one block over and three blocks up from my natural father and siblings. When my father called them and asked them to pick me up, he knew where I was going. He did not tell his other children where their baby sister went. They were 3, 6, 8 and 9 years old and they knew they had a baby sister out there, somewhere. They were told they were not allowed to know her, not allowed to ask questions; they were expected to go on without their baby sister — after the death of their mother. No grief counseling. No child visitation. Nothing. Imagine how they felt to know that their baby sister lived for awhile around the block from them! But they did not know that.
My future adoptive parents took legal custody of me. They bought a house six miles away. Because this was a closed and sealed adoption, I was not permitted to know my own siblings or my father.
Imagine doing this to a non-custodial father and siblings in a divorce. Many divorced parents go on to remarry and have children with their second spouses. These children are half-siblings to each other. Suppose we apply the same rules to divorce as we do to adoption. Then, the custodial parent would prevent the non-custodial parent visitation and also prevent the half siblings visitation to the older half siblings. The custodial parent may then even have the right to change the birth certificates of the children to any name of choice to prevent the non-custodial parent to ever find them. This would be, of course, unheard of in divorce. In fact, it would be considered criminal and inhumane.
By telling you my very unique story, my hope is that you consider that a baby comes from a family and does not exist in a vacuum. The birthing mother is not there to provide waiting couples with her baby. That is a social construct devised to provide newborns to people who want newborns. In reading that I came from an existing family, perhaps you will see that another baby who does not presently have any other siblings, or perhaps doesn’t have a father involved, still comes from a mother and her family and the family of the father. A baby cannot be reborn into a new family. The missing family is real, they exist even if you don’t want to believe they do.
I’d like to address the name of your blog: “not a saint or the babysitter”. This name tells me that you are on the defensive as an adoptive parent. These words are also exactly the same words my adoptive mother screamed at me when I told her I had been found by the very siblings she never wanted me to know. She yelled, “What are we, your babysitters?” Mom yelled this at me while she shook a large manila envelop in front of me. Out fell all of my adoption papers: my Final Order of Adoption, my two baptismal certificates, my hospital birth certificate, my true birth certificate (that my father gave to my pre-adoptive parents), and my falsified birth certificate. Mom yelled some more: “Here are your papers. They mean nothing to me anymore”.
What was an 18 year old supposed to deduce from this? Clearly, the message was that I was not her property anymore because the reality of my other family coming back into my life made her feel as if she was my babysitter. From my point of view, she was my mother from the time I could consciously remember. I loved her and my father. Being found by my natural family did not change the fact that these two people were the parents I loved and trusted. What changed was my knowledge of their intentional deceit and the broken trust and wounded love that resulted from their deception.
This is not to say that open adoption is the answer. There are varying degrees of openness, from occasional and anonymous letters sent to the adoption agency that then forwards the letters between two sets of parents, to actual visits. These arrangements are verbal, they are not actual written contracts. The adoptive parents have all the control and can break the informal agreement at any time. The adoptee is still transferred from one family to another. The adoptee still suffers the indignity of the government seizing her birth certificate, placing it under seal forever, and then issuing a fraudulent birth certificate that states the adoptee was born to another set of parents. This is an uneven balance of power and control.
So yes, you are correct. Adoptive parents are babysitters. Adoptive parents are granted legal parenthood of two other parents’ child. They are given the legal responsibility of caring for this child. In doing so, they are given the moral responsibility of loving this child unconditionally, not intentionally adopting from a foreign country because the chances of reunion are next to impossible. Adoptive parents must realize that they are not the only set of parents for their adoptee. Once you free yourself from the emotional burden of seeing adoption as “this is MY child” to “this is OUR child” then you will see yourself in the light of love. You must raise that child with the knowledge of her origins and prepare yourselves to release your adoptee to the world when childhood ends. If you did not want this responsibility and moral obligation, then you should not have adopted.May 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm
o
notasaintorthebabysitter
I can sum up my response to your lengthy comments in a few to the point sentences.
1) I am truly sorry you have been so deeply affected by such a horrible act. What I do not understand is the fact you blame everyone and anyone associated with adoption, instead of the few select people that are the cause of your misfortune.
2) Adoptions that result from lying, deceit, coercion, illegal activity, malice or duress disgust me to the core.
3) For someone to say “adoption should never be a choice” is either naive, not living in reality or both.
Lastly – a question to you? Other than telling everyone that adoption should not be an option what do you do to help women, families and children to make positive changes that will enable them to remain together. June 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

legitimatebastard
Thank you for your words of condolences about my life circumstances.
Just because my situation demonstrates more dramatically the breakup of a family does not mean that a single pregnant mother is an isolated person without family. That is the problem in USA domestic infant adoptions: no one seems to care about her and her baby within the larger context of the family in which they belong. There most certainly is a trauma response in the pregnant girl/woman and in her unborn and then newborn infant. People who “believe” in adoption do not want to acknowledge this.
I do not blame my father for relinquishing me as he was grieving at the time and did what he was lead to believe was the right action. A few years ago, when he was recovering from open heart surgery, he cried out, “If only I had an education! If someone would have told me how to keep you!” That shows he regrets his decision.
I blame my adoptive parents for lying. I blame my extended adoptive family for lying and treating me with contempt. I blame my natural mother’s family for blaming my father for her death and spying on me when he was told to stay away from me (he did) and they did not (during my childhood). Oh yes, there is plenty of blame to go around in my adoption.
It is good that you see there is darkness in adoption and that disgusts you, too.
I still stand by my words: “adoption should never be a choice”. You can call me naïve if you wish, but I can tell you I am probably older and wiser than you are. I most assuredly am living in reality. I have survived the deaths of 4 parents, and that is extremely painful. You can insult me if you wish by saying I do not live in reality. You have not seen the destruction of adoption from the thousands of adoptees and natural parents I have known since 1974, so, of course, you believe that adoption is a choice.
What do I do to help women, families and children make positive changes that will enable them to remain together? I worked in a few homeless shelters where I arranged for services for these families. We provided a clothes pantry, food, shelter, education, child care, child care classes, goals, checklists, and term limits. I took my clients to family court, to doctors, to supervised visitations, and I set them up in their own apartments with services in place for them to keep their families together. For those who wanted religious help, I arranged that, too. For those who wanted a respite from their children, I arranged care for their children so they could rest and regain self composure. I also arranged for the return of those children to their parents.
Then I worked in a crisis center where I provided immediate assistance to families in crisis. One call was from a man whose wife wanted a divorce. He was crying. I told him to put the phone down and ask her plainly. I heard her say the words. He came back on the phone and I told him that this is the moment of truth, that he has no choice but to accept it and move through it. I talked with him for another 20 minutes and set him up with counseling, with follow-up services, and with a family court representative. Yes, there were children involved. Rest assured, they were not given up for adoption.
On another call, a woman pleaded with me that she had no food for the holidays, no toys for her pre-teen boys, and no winter clothes for them or herself or her out of work husband. I arranged for food baskets, toys, proper clothes and jackets and boots, and also for long-term food assistance for her family. I asked her what else she needed and she said that she was afraid her husband was going to leave them. I gave her names, addresses and phone numbers for family counseling centers. At the end of the call, when I took her identifying info so that the services could be provided for her, I was shocked that she was the mother of my son’s friends. I had not recognized her voice. I guess she did not recognize mine; if she did, she did not tell me. Three months later, my son told me she killed herself. Her two boys remained with their father and were not given up for adoption.
Most of my time in the past 11 years has been spent care-giving for my dying mother (adoptive). During the course of cancer treatments, I have come to know of groups for parents of young children with one parent dying of cancer. I am glad to see that the emphasis is in helping these children cope with the impending death, helping the remaining parent keep the family together, and no one talks about splitting the children up in adoptive homes after the one parent dies.
Over the holiday of July 4th, I met a woman who wanted to meet me for 27 years. Back in 1984, a newspaper reporter asked me to do an interview with him and allow a photographer to take my picture. He interviewed two other adoptees as well. I did the interview. Members of both my adoptive family and natural family harassed me afterwards for “lying” and for “going public”. I did not use their names, nor did I lie. Everyone knows that reporters put their own interpretations on a story and even quoted sentences are not direct quotes. Well, I was slammed by family for embarrassing them and blab la bla. I went public as an adoptee to tell the destruction adoption played into my two families. At that time, I also worked against the Bill that became New York State Adoption Reunion Registry. As a result of that article with my name and photo, a natural mother contacted me for search help. She searched for and found her relinquished daughter. The adoptee found me and traveled half way across the nation to stay with relatives and meet me. She thanked me for her reunion.
As for Adoption Reform, I have spoken to thousands of adoptees and natural parents over the past 38 years and there is only one conclusion: adoption hurts people. You may not agree, that is your opinion. However, the more adoptees and natural parents speak out against the crimes committed against them, the more the textbooks are being re-written to reflect our voices. Public opinion, public policy, and laws are being re-written because people are rejecting adoption as a way of life.
You support the big-money-making-adoption-business because you profit from it. You profit from the misfortune of others.
A few days ago, I received an email from an adoptee across the globe. He will be presenting at an adoption conference about the affects of intercountry adoption.
That same night, an adoption researcher from The Netherlands sent me a Powerpoint presentation he used at an adoption conference in California recently to show the statistics of the decline in domestic and foreign adoptions in his country, and the dramatic increase in domestic and foreign adoptions in USA over the past 60 years. Adoption does not exist in The Netherlands any longer as a result of adoptees speaking out. An adoptees’ organization was started there – United Adoptees International. I suggest that you look up their website. You will get an education.
Adoptees brought to USA and to other countries from Korea have stopped adoptions there because they returned to their country of birth and joined forces with mothers who were coerced into giving up their babies.
The government of South Australia will be giving a televised public apology to mothers whose newborns were stolen from them at birth, and the apology will also be for those grown infants who were forced to be adopted by strangers. This will take place July 18, 2012:http://theconversation.edu.au/an-apology-to-forced-adoption-birth-mothers-its-about-time-7875?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+conversationedu+%28The+Conversation%29
A friend of mine visited his daughter in South Africa in March. She works in an AIDS orphanage. They do not allow any of these children to be adopted out, not because they have AIDS, but because the children belong in their home country with their people, their language, and their culture.
Another friend of mine works from her home and arranges for medical supplies, food, clothes, school supplies, solar power and computers for another orphanage in Africa. She supports the orphanage so the children can be raised in their home country.
The end of adoption as YOU know it and want it is happening around the world. July 6, 2012 at 11:16 pm

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3 Comments
  1. BTW here are all of Joan’s posts on this blog
    1.
    legitimatebastard
    I honestly do not know where to begin. From the beginning of your post I suppose.I am 100% anti-adoption. No adoption, ever, never. Under any circumstances, never. And with good reason.
    I wonder if you really are “eager and willing to listen to anyone that wants to tell their story”. If so, you will print my story, listen (read), and consider what happened to me. I am not asking you to heal me; I am asking you to open your mind to why I am anti-adoption.
    On one hand, you speak of “the unwed mother” and her illegitimate child while on the other hand, you speak of war and poverty stricken societies. I come from neither. Your examples don’t apply to me.
    I resent these assumptions and stereotypes. But you are a product of your society and so am I.
    Back in 1930, when the “problem of illegitimacy” had to be solved, a law was written to hide the transgressions of the “unwed” mother (no mention of the unwed father) and to resurrect the bastard child: closed, sealed adoption became the law and each state voted to accept a version of the model law. Decades passed and now we still talk of the problem of the “unwed mother”.
    Orphanages were built. Then the foster care system started and adoption became a money-making business.
    But I am getting ahead of myself. Underlying all of this is the law that began in 1930 that sealed birth certificates of adoptees and issued new birth certificates for them in all but two states (Kansas and Alaska).
    This law never addressed all circumstances in which a child might be relinquished and adopted.
    I was born the fifth child to married parents. My 30 year old mother was dying when she was pregnant with me; she died when I was three months old. No one, not even Catholic Charities, came forward to help my father keep his family together. Instead, a Catholic priest said, “The baby needs two parents”. At my mother’s wake, a woman approached my father (age 31) and said, “I know someone who will take your baby.” Her brother and his wife then made themselves known to my father. My father, in his grief, agreed to relinquish me to their care one month after the death of my mother. One year and one week after my birth, my adoption was finalized. The Judge ordered my birth certificate sealed and a new one issued to state that I was born to my new parents and given the name they chose for me. But I was baptized at the bedside of my dying mother. Three years later, the Catholic church issued a new baptismal certificate under my adoptive name (no, I was not baptized twice as that is against Cannon Law). Apparently, lying on a new baptismal certificate is not against Cannon Law.
    I was raised an only child for the first 18 years of my life. My adoptive parents never wanted me to know the truth. So when my four older siblings found me, I was in shock. No, this was not a happy reunion. The idea that there could ever be such a thing is absurd. To place a young adult still in high school in this impossible situation is cruel and inhumane. As you can imagine, I resented my adoptive parents for intentionally lying to me (though still loved them, thus, the conflict). They only told me that my mother died and that my father was alive, not that I had siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. No, I never held it against my father for giving me up. But I do blame everyone around me who knew the family secret, knew each other, and sneered at, jeered at, and talked about me behind my back.
    To expect that I would be happy to be reunited is to expect that I would be happy to be separated from my family to begin with. The emotional toll on me, my adoptive parents, my natural father, my step mother, my siblings, and later, my now-ex-husband, and my children, is too high a price to pay for my wonderful, happy, secure, two-parent, lonely and isolated childhood.
    Oh yeah, I also had to integrate two identities into one. Learning one’s name at birth at age 18, learning of the life I was born into and deprived of, learning how my mother died, seeing faces who looked like me for the first time, trying to learn who was who in over 100 reunited-with relatives was too much on me. I was alone in coping with it all as there were no reliable adoptee-oriented therapists at that time (1974). To lay the burden of needing mental health therapy at age 18 and beyond because of the secrets and lies of adoption is a stigma and shame far worse than being born a bastard in need of saving.
    To live the last 38 years in a legal prison is another hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am not allowed to obtain a certified copy, or even an uncertified copy, of my vault long form birth certificate. My legal birth certificate is a lie. Millions of American adoptees, illegitimate or not, suffer the same under present sealed and falsified birth certificate laws.
    Undo these laws. Make it illegal to falsify birth certificates for adoptees. Unseal our true birth certificates and issue instead adoption certificates that tell the truth of our adoptions. Then, undo the adoption system. Prevent the unnecessary permanent separation of babies from their mothers and fathers by respecting who the infant is, who the parents are, who the siblings are, and provide for the care of families who need help.
    I doubt seriously if you will have the courage to post this comment. If you don’t, I know just where you stand. May 21, 2012 at 7:48 am
    2.
    legitimatebastard
    I wonder if you really are “eager and willing to listen to anyone that wants to tell their story”. If so, you will print my story, listen (read), and consider what happened to me. I am not asking you to heal me; I am asking you to open your mind as to why I am anti-adoption. Sure, I “had a bad experience” and I came out of it with a deeper understanding of what adoption actually is. This has changed my life course, took me away from what I thought would be my life, and influenced me to study the social forces, psychology and the laws that make up adoption in my state and country.
    On one hand, you speak of “the unwed mother” and her illegitimate child while on the other hand you speak of war and poverty stricken societies. I come from neither. Your examples don’t apply to me.
    I resent these assumptions and stereotypes. But you are a product of your society and so am I. Back in 1930, when the “problem of illegitimacy” had to be solved, a law was written to hide the transgressions of the “unwed” mother (no mention of the unwed father) and to resurrect the bastard child: closed, sealed adoption became the model national law and each state voted to accept a version, modified to meet whatever the state legislators wanted to change, into their state laws. Decades passed and now we still talk of the problem of the “unwed mother”.
    Orphanages were built. Then the foster care system started and adoption became a money-making business.
    Underlying all of this is the law that began in 1930 that sealed birth certificates of adoptees and issued new birth certificates for them in all but two states (Kansas and Alaska).
    This law never addressed all circumstances in which a child might be relinquished and adopted; instead, it was assumed that all infants born to “unwed” mothers should be re-born legitimately to married parents. Adoption was seen as legitimizing the illegitimate. But the law did not prepare for orphans and half orphans or other children who were born legitimately who did not need to be re-born into a superior class of babies.
    I was born the fifth child to married parents. My 30 year old mother was dying when she was pregnant with me; she died when I was three months old. No one, not even Catholic Charities, came forward to help my father keep his family together. Instead, a Catholic priest said, “The baby needs two parents”. At my mother’s wake, a woman approached my father (age 31) and said, “I know someone who will take your baby.” Her brother and his wife then made themselves known to my father. In his grief, my father agreed to relinquish me to their care one month after the death of my mother. One year and one week after my birth, my adoption was finalized. The Judge ordered my birth certificate sealed and a new one issued to state that I was born to my new parents and given the name they chose for me. But I was baptized at the bedside of my dying mother. Three years later, the Catholic Church issued a new baptismal certificate under my adoptive name. No, I was not baptized twice as that is against Cannon Law. Apparently, lying on a new baptismal certificate is not against Cannon Law.
    I was raised an only child for the first 18 years of my life. My adoptive parents never wanted me to know the truth. So when my four older siblings found me, I was in shock. No, this was not a happy reunion. The idea that there could ever be such a thing is absurd. (The goal is not to have the adoptee go an x-number of years to wait to have a joyous reunion with natural family, as if that, in itself, should be glorified). To place a young adult still in high school in this impossible situation is cruel and inhumane. As you can imagine, I resented my adoptive parents for intentionally lying to me (though I still loved them, thus, the conflict). During my childhood, they told me only twice that my mother died and that my father was alive, not that I had siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. No, I never held it against my father for giving me up. But I do blame everyone around me who knew the family secret, knew each other, and sneered at, jeered at, and talked about me behind my back. My natural father was not part of this scenario. He was left out. The people who colluded in the conspiracy were my extended adoptive family and my natural mother’s extended family.
    To expect that I would be happy to be reunited is to expect that I would be happy to be separated from my family to begin with. The emotional toll on me, my adoptive parents, my natural father, my step mother, my siblings, and later, my now-ex-husband, and my children, is too high a price to pay for my wonderful, happy, secure, two-parent, lonely and isolated childhood.
    Oh yeah, I also had to integrate two identities into one. Learning one’s name at birth at age 18, learning of the life I was born into and deprived of, learning how my mother died, seeing faces who looked like me for the first time, trying to learn who was who in over 100 reunited-with relatives was too much on me. I was alone in coping with it all as there were no reliable adoptee-oriented therapists at that time (1974). To lay the burden of needing mental health therapy at age 18 and beyond because of the secrets and lies of adoption is a burden, a stigma, and shame far worse than being born a bastard in need of saving.
    To live the last 38 years in an emotional prison and 55 of my 56 years of life in a legal trap are other hells I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am not allowed to obtain a certified copy, or even an uncertified copy, of my vault long form birth certificate. My legal birth certificate is a lie. Millions of American adoptees, illegitimate or not, suffer the same under past and present sealed and falsified birth certificate laws.
    Undo these laws. Make it illegal to falsify birth certificates for adoptees. Unseal our true birth certificates and issue instead adoption certificates that tell the truth of our adoptions. Then, undo the adoption system. Prevent the unnecessary permanent separation of babies from their mothers and fathers by respecting who the infant is, who the parents are, who the siblings are, and provide for the care of families who need help.
    I doubt seriously if you will have the courage to post this comment. If you don’t, I know just where you stand; meaning, you don’t want to know the destruction that adoption causes. May 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm
    legitimatebastard
    By the way, I was not a “gift” to my adopting parents. I was the infant of two other parents. I had a name, a family, a home — I did not need a new name, a new family, nor did I need a new home.
    At the time of my relinquishment, my father (and his wife when she was alive, and their four children) lived in the back apartment of a working-class to poor neighborhood in a major city. While he did not know the couple who would adopt his baby, he was given their address and phone number within days of my mother’s death. Yes, he made the decision to give me up for adoption, but he was given no help at all to keep his family together. Adoption was the only option available to him.
    Ironically, the couple who would become my adoptive parents lived one block over and three blocks up from my natural father and siblings. When my father called them and asked them to pick me up, he knew where I was going. He did not tell his other children where their baby sister went. They were 3, 6, 8 and 9 years old and they knew they had a baby sister out there, somewhere. They were told they were not allowed to know her, not allowed to ask questions; they were expected to go on without their baby sister — after the death of their mother. No grief counseling. No child visitation. Nothing. Imagine how they felt to know that their baby sister lived for awhile around the block from them! But they did not know that.
    My future adoptive parents took legal custody of me. They bought a house six miles away. Because this was a closed and sealed adoption, I was not permitted to know my own siblings or my father.
    Imagine doing this to a non-custodial father and siblings in a divorce. Many divorced parents go on to remarry and have children with their second spouses. These children are half-siblings to each other. Suppose we apply the same rules to divorce as we do to adoption. Then, the custodial parent would prevent the non-custodial parent visitation and also prevent the half siblings visitation to the older half siblings. The custodial parent may then even have the right to change the birth certificates of the children to any name of choice to prevent the non-custodial parent to ever find them. This would be, of course, unheard of in divorce. In fact, it would be considered criminal and inhumane.
    By telling you my very unique story, my hope is that you consider that a baby comes from a family and does not exist in a vacuum. The birthing mother is not there to provide waiting couples with her baby. That is a social construct devised to provide newborns to people who want newborns. In reading that I came from an existing family, perhaps you will see that another baby who does not presently have any other siblings, or perhaps doesn’t have a father involved, still comes from a mother and her family and the family of the father. A baby cannot be reborn into a new family. The missing family is real, they exist even if you don’t want to believe they do.
    I’d like to address the name of your blog: “not a saint or the babysitter”. This name tells me that you are on the defensive as an adoptive parent. These words are also exactly the same words my adoptive mother screamed at me when I told her I had been found by the very siblings she never wanted me to know. She yelled, “What are we, your babysitters?” Mom yelled this at me while she shook a large manila envelop in front of me. Out fell all of my adoption papers: my Final Order of Adoption, my two baptismal certificates, my hospital birth certificate, my true birth certificate (that my father gave to my pre-adoptive parents), and my falsified birth certificate. Mom yelled some more: “Here are your papers. They mean nothing to me anymore”.
    What was an 18 year old supposed to deduce from this? Clearly, the message was that I was not her property anymore because the reality of my other family coming back into my life made her feel as if she was my babysitter. From my point of view, she was my mother from the time I could consciously remember. I loved her and my father. Being found by my natural family did not change the fact that these two people were the parents I loved and trusted. What changed was my knowledge of their intentional deceit and the broken trust and wounded love that resulted from their deception.
    This is not to say that open adoption is the answer. There are varying degrees of openness, from occasional and anonymous letters sent to the adoption agency that then forwards the letters between two sets of parents, to actual visits. These arrangements are verbal, they are not actual written contracts. The adoptive parents have all the control and can break the informal agreement at any time. The adoptee is still transferred from one family to another. The adoptee still suffers the indignity of the government seizing her birth certificate, placing it under seal forever, and then issuing a fraudulent birth certificate that states the adoptee was born to another set of parents. This is an uneven balance of power and control.
    So yes, you are correct. Adoptive parents are babysitters. Adoptive parents are granted legal parenthood of two other parents’ child. They are given the legal responsibility of caring for this child. In doing so, they are given the moral responsibility of loving this child unconditionally, not intentionally adopting from a foreign country because the chances of reunion are next to impossible. Adoptive parents must realize that they are not the only set of parents for their adoptee. Once you free yourself from the emotional burden of seeing adoption as “this is MY child” to “this is OUR child” then you will see yourself in the light of love. You must raise that child with the knowledge of her origins and prepare yourselves to release your adoptee to the world when childhood ends. If you did not want this responsibility and moral obligation, then you should not have adopted.May 21, 2012 at 4:51 pm
    o
    notasaintorthebabysitter
    I can sum up my response to your lengthy comments in a few to the point sentences.
    1) I am truly sorry you have been so deeply affected by such a horrible act. What I do not understand is the fact you blame everyone and anyone associated with adoption, instead of the few select people that are the cause of your misfortune.
    2) Adoptions that result from lying, deceit, coercion, illegal activity, malice or duress disgust me to the core.
    3) For someone to say “adoption should never be a choice” is either naive, not living in reality or both.
    Lastly – a question to you? Other than telling everyone that adoption should not be an option what do you do to help women, families and children to make positive changes that will enable them to remain together. June 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

    legitimatebastard
    Thank you for your words of condolences about my life circumstances.
    Just because my situation demonstrates more dramatically the breakup of a family does not mean that a single pregnant mother is an isolated person without family. That is the problem in USA domestic infant adoptions: no one seems to care about her and her baby within the larger context of the family in which they belong. There most certainly is a trauma response in the pregnant girl/woman and in her unborn and then newborn infant. People who “believe” in adoption do not want to acknowledge this.
    I do not blame my father for relinquishing me as he was grieving at the time and did what he was lead to believe was the right action. A few years ago, when he was recovering from open heart surgery, he cried out, “If only I had an education! If someone would have told me how to keep you!” That shows he regrets his decision.
    I blame my adoptive parents for lying. I blame my extended adoptive family for lying and treating me with contempt. I blame my natural mother’s family for blaming my father for her death and spying on me when he was told to stay away from me (he did) and they did not (during my childhood). Oh yes, there is plenty of blame to go around in my adoption.
    It is good that you see there is darkness in adoption and that disgusts you, too.
    I still stand by my words: “adoption should never be a choice”. You can call me naïve if you wish, but I can tell you I am probably older and wiser than you are. I most assuredly am living in reality. I have survived the deaths of 4 parents, and that is extremely painful. You can insult me if you wish by saying I do not live in reality. You have not seen the destruction of adoption from the thousands of adoptees and natural parents I have known since 1974, so, of course, you believe that adoption is a choice.
    What do I do to help women, families and children make positive changes that will enable them to remain together? I worked in a few homeless shelters where I arranged for services for these families. We provided a clothes pantry, food, shelter, education, child care, child care classes, goals, checklists, and term limits. I took my clients to family court, to doctors, to supervised visitations, and I set them up in their own apartments with services in place for them to keep their families together. For those who wanted religious help, I arranged that, too. For those who wanted a respite from their children, I arranged care for their children so they could rest and regain self composure. I also arranged for the return of those children to their parents.
    Then I worked in a crisis center where I provided immediate assistance to families in crisis. One call was from a man whose wife wanted a divorce. He was crying. I told him to put the phone down and ask her plainly. I heard her say the words. He came back on the phone and I told him that this is the moment of truth, that he has no choice but to accept it and move through it. I talked with him for another 20 minutes and set him up with counseling, with follow-up services, and with a family court representative. Yes, there were children involved. Rest assured, they were not given up for adoption.
    On another call, a woman pleaded with me that she had no food for the holidays, no toys for her pre-teen boys, and no winter clothes for them or herself or her out of work husband. I arranged for food baskets, toys, proper clothes and jackets and boots, and also for long-term food assistance for her family. I asked her what else she needed and she said that she was afraid her husband was going to leave them. I gave her names, addresses and phone numbers for family counseling centers. At the end of the call, when I took her identifying info so that the services could be provided for her, I was shocked that she was the mother of my son’s friends. I had not recognized her voice. I guess she did not recognize mine; if she did, she did not tell me. Three months later, my son told me she killed herself. Her two boys remained with their father and were not given up for adoption.
    Most of my time in the past 11 years has been spent care-giving for my dying mother (adoptive). During the course of cancer treatments, I have come to know of groups for parents of young children with one parent dying of cancer. I am glad to see that the emphasis is in helping these children cope with the impending death, helping the remaining parent keep the family together, and no one talks about splitting the children up in adoptive homes after the one parent dies.
    Over the holiday of July 4th, I met a woman who wanted to meet me for 27 years. Back in 1984, a newspaper reporter asked me to do an interview with him and allow a photographer to take my picture. He interviewed two other adoptees as well. I did the interview. Members of both my adoptive family and natural family harassed me afterwards for “lying” and for “going public”. I did not use their names, nor did I lie. Everyone knows that reporters put their own interpretations on a story and even quoted sentences are not direct quotes. Well, I was slammed by family for embarrassing them and blab la bla. I went public as an adoptee to tell the destruction adoption played into my two families. At that time, I also worked against the Bill that became New York State Adoption Reunion Registry. As a result of that article with my name and photo, a natural mother contacted me for search help. She searched for and found her relinquished daughter. The adoptee found me and traveled half way across the nation to stay with relatives and meet me. She thanked me for her reunion.
    As for Adoption Reform, I have spoken to thousands of adoptees and natural parents over the past 38 years and there is only one conclusion: adoption hurts people. You may not agree, that is your opinion. However, the more adoptees and natural parents speak out against the crimes committed against them, the more the textbooks are being re-written to reflect our voices. Public opinion, public policy, and laws are being re-written because people are rejecting adoption as a way of life.
    You support the big-money-making-adoption-business because you profit from it. You profit from the misfortune of others.
    A few days ago, I received an email from an adoptee across the globe. He will be presenting at an adoption conference about the affects of intercountry adoption.
    That same night, an adoption researcher from The Netherlands sent me a Powerpoint presentation he used at an adoption conference in California recently to show the statistics of the decline in domestic and foreign adoptions in his country, and the dramatic increase in domestic and foreign adoptions in USA over the past 60 years. Adoption does not exist in The Netherlands any longer as a result of adoptees speaking out. An adoptees’ organization was started there – United Adoptees International. I suggest that you look up their website. You will get an education.
    Adoptees brought to USA and to other countries from Korea have stopped adoptions there because they returned to their country of birth and joined forces with mothers who were coerced into giving up their babies.
    The government of South Australia will be giving a televised public apology to mothers whose newborns were stolen from them at birth, and the apology will also be for those grown infants who were forced to be adopted by strangers. This will take place July 18, 2012: http://theconversation.edu.au/an-apology-to-forced-adoption-birth-mothers-its-about-time-7875?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+conversationedu+%28The+Conversation%29
    A friend of mine visited his daughter in South Africa in March. She works in an AIDS orphanage. They do not allow any of these children to be adopted out, not because they have AIDS, but because the children belong in their home country with their people, their language, and their culture.
    Another friend of mine works from her home and arranges for medical supplies, food, clothes, school supplies, solar power and computers for another orphanage in Africa. She supports the orphanage so the children can be raised in their home country.
    The end of adoption as YOU know it and want it is happening around the world. July 6, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. some recent posts regarding Joan Wheeler « Refuting a Book of Lies: Forbidden Family –
  2. Why must Joan Wheeler continue to tell lies about her birth family? « Refuting a Book of Lies: Forbidden Family –

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