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Love it or hate it…the fuller version…
While I did share, via reblogging, my guest post on birthmothers4adoption, here on this blog, I wanted to place it here in full and with a couple of comments, before and after, my guest post was published. You can see it at http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/
First is my preface that I sent to one of the owners of birthmother4adoption:
I had time today and wrote this for you. Now I hope this is okay for your purposes. I know that it can be a bit rough for some people to handle. I make no excuses nor apology. I have assumed that you have at least read some of my writings on my blog, if not please do so. Please let me know if this is acceptable to you and if so, if you would please let me know when you post it. It has been helpful to me to write this and it does come from a deep place inside. thanks for asking me
and, in part, what was said to me when they accepted my post:
I’m going to be honest with you, I truly love it. You are such a strong woman. I love that you have been through so much yet ask nobody to treat you as a victim. You are a warrior and I love it. I sent it to my blog manager to see what she feels, my guess is she too will love it.
Now, after my guest post was published, on birthmothers4adoption, and I reblogged it on my own blog, I sent it to a friend of mine, who shall remain unknown, to get their reaction. This is their response to what I wrote.
This is powerful stuff, congratulations. I can see why those who have been there done that would love it, as well as why it’s not for the nervous nellies, ninny-nannies or the squeamish, but that does tend to be the nature of truth bombs; deal with it. You can carp and cavil all you want, but at some point all BS-powered ifs ands and buts run into a brick wall of reality, especially human reality. Painful messages, when their narrative arc basically has to be that shit happens, but messages a lot of people really need to hear, because, well, shit really does happen, and a hole in the sand is the place for that, not your head. Can’t we all just get along? Answer: No. Why? Because we’re bad people, that’s why. Life is a bitch and then you die. We’re born in pain, we live in fear and we die alone; Merry Christmas.
It’s nice that it could be a message from the voice of experience and find a home with someone who understands and appreciates its significance, in a place where it could grow some legs and be useful to others, whom it would be bound to hit right between the eyes. Some will recognize and appreciate its truth that they know for themselves the hard way, and they will say bravo. For others who never heard it before and need to, it might be the wakeup call that finally inspires them to snap out of it and get over themselves.
For other whiners who just can’t get off the tit of holy mother church or whoever, it will of course be just another nastygram from Satan’s Little Helper, but that, of course, is their problem, as just their latest, so don’t worry, they’ll pray for you! (If they tell you, just thank them and tell them to ask God to give you a pony.)
Needless to say, they might better just thank you for the free course in Survivorology 101.
and now the post in it’s entirely
Love it or hate it; adoption has a place in the world of humans!
Whether we want to accept it or not, all cultures, at all times, had ways in which they dealt with unwanted or orphaned children. Various methods have been used; exposure, abortion, slavery, prostitution, fostering, guardianship, and adoption, to mention a few.
It doesn’t matter if the methods were healthy, unhealthy, sane, insane, the bottom line is, all cultures and societies had/have ways to deal with children that have no family or that a family doesn’t want. Even in today’s so-called ‘enlightened’ state, there are many methods that are harmful, cruel and obscene. No one denies that! Human beings are notorious for doing the worst kind of harm/damage to their own kind in the animal kingdom. So that being said, it is also true, of the world that humans live in, is, that shit happens, whether it’s adoption or not.
Being adopted, via the acts of adoption, is not in and of itself, about anger; anger is a personal reaction to being adopted and the acts of adoption. Personally, I don’t have to be nice or tolerant, to and/or of, anyone, like any angry adoptee, who wants to beat me up, just because I am pro-adoption, am an adoptive mother and/or because I refuse to be bullied, slandered or vilified for my own experiences with adoption and with an angry adoptee, who, by an act of fate, is blood to me! Shit happens!
I am the oldest of five children. When our mother died, I was nine and the last child was 3 months, who was delivered by mother in her hospital bed. Our father knew his wife was dying before the last child was born. He searched for an option. His elderly parents were already caring for 2 of us and the other 2 were being cared for my mother’s relatives, with young children of their own. He also knew that there would be a fifth child! He proposed to an old friend, who had two children of her own. His proposition was; he’d help raise her two children if she would help raise his five. She agreed, but refused to raise the, yet unborn, infant. That is when he used the option of adoption, for the infant. In order for him to actually place his child into adoption, the child had to be ‘psychologically’ dead to him, in his mind. On the day his wife died, his last child also died…it is recorded in my mother’s Bible, in my father’s handwriting! Shit happens!
My first experience with adoption was the placement of my infant sister, whom I remembered. She was placed in a closed legal adoption, via friends of relatives, and so her ‘existence and whereabouts’ was known to certain family members. The adoptive parents that adopted and raised my sister were older folks, childless for the woman was infertile. Within one year after the removal of my infant sister into adoption the rest of us children, my father’s 4 and 1 of my step-mother’s, were placed in various orphan and foster homes, due to illnesses of the step-mother. And so, the fragile home life/guardianship arrangement FAILED for all, except the child that was placed into adoption! Several of us did not return to our father’s care of years and those that were returned had to grow up pretty fast for there was no one that could care of us while our father was working. We all thought she, who was adopted out, got the better end of the deal that life dished out to us. When we knew that our sister was 18 we made contact. Reunion was not a good one; within a few short years major troubles occurred and things rapidly declined. Shit happens!
My next experience with adoption was with my children I birthed, a son and a daughter. My first marriage was not a good one and after the divorce the child support was always difficult to obtain. When my children were about 7 and 8, I became engaged. Within a year we were going to be married, he was going to adopt my children and we were going to have more children. The father of my children kept telling me to ‘hurry up and get those kids adopted, so I don’t have to pay child support’. Well, my fiancé couldn’t adopt my children, because he died! Our worlds collapsed! My children lost a second father. Shit happens!
My third and last experience with adoption was when a new man came to me and my children. He wanted children. I could no longer have children. So we decided to adopt, my children. By this time they were 15 and 16 and had to give their own permission to be adopted! My children wanted this ‘father’but my daughter was in the middle of that ‘teen identity crisis’ and she decided not to go for adoption. That didn’t matter, for my second husband had already claimed both of them as his children in all ways that a parent does! And then shit happened!
My re-united sister, who was placed, out of the family via adoption, was a militant angry adoptee and she could not abide any adoption! She interfered in all my parental rights and authority When I told her to butt out, she retaliated by calling in a false child abuse report against myself and husband. The case was dismissed because we had just completed the rather intensive background investigations that happen when you adopt. At about the same time, we had just relocated to another city, for employment, and my daughter, in that teen-crisis, ran away. And a second false child abuse report was filed against me by this re-united sister. I still have the court’s decision…we were proved to have done EVERYTHING that was right and proper to protect our minor child. But the interference, the slander, the disruption to my children, to my marriage was devastating. My family unit was torn apart; because an adoptee was angry at the institution of adoption and took it out on me, my husband and children. Shit happens!
I severed all ties, actually divorced, the re-united sister. I attempted twice, for reconciliation with this sister, once after 10 years, then again after another 15 years, but was betrayed after each attempt. Shit happens!
Then the unthinkable shit happened! The reunited sister took everyone by surprise and wrote a libelous book against every member of both the birth and adopted families! That’s when we learned that she HATES adoption and us. Shit happens!
Well, her book is dead never to be reprinted. We sisters exposed her lies and deeds, against us personally and collectively as a family. Today we write to restore our family’s honor and good names.
Adoption is not a crime. Infertility is not a crime. Death of a parent and the need to care for minor children are not crimes. Step-parents adopting is not a crime. Children wanting and needing loving parents in a secure home is not a crime. If there is need for reforming the adoption laws, to include getting medical information, etc, than there are right and proper channels to do so. Browbeating, name-calling and other forms of hate activities are not right and proper and are crimes.
Does shit happen?? Of course!! Are children used and abused?? Of course!! But that is no reason to condemn and go after everyone who adopts a child! To do so, is a crime, and it just is not acceptable!
The only thing my children wanted was a family unit and a father…that’s why we adopted! That is not a crime.
The only thing my father wanted was for his wife NOT to have died! But she did and he had to do what he had to do! That is not a crime.
To dishonor one’s parents, by birth or by adoption, is a moral crime!
If someone is so angry over their life circumstances they need to really get a grip on reality because SHIT HAPPENS all the time. Adoption will never go away.
Gert here…I want to share and include here yet another friend of mine, to whom I shared this post and their comment to me…BTW the greeting ‘wassail’ means ‘be you healthy’
Wow…that is powerful stuff. You really “told it like it is.” Sure it’s strong, but then you are talking about some pretty harsh realities and strong emotions. I think it takes courage, self awareness, and wisdom to be able to talk openly about such things in such a dispassionate, matter-of-fact way. I hope it makes the blog readers stop and think.
It’s obvious from your post and the relpy to it that there is a whole debate going on I was not aware of over adoption. There is bound to be lots of emotion mixed into such a debate–people’s self-identities at stake, all the childhood traumas and the resentments that built up over the years. It’s got to help to have such a straightforward telling of a personal story. You clearly show that there are no easy choices in such matters, but that there are situations in which adoption makes sense, and people can go that route in a sincere effort to provide the best they can for a child.
Thanks for sharing this. I think it is a good and valuable piece, and it really shows your strength–that gal is right: you are a warrior!