abuser, adoption, adoption reunions, Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change, blaming people for your own mess, Brian Maloney Williamsville NY, browbeating people over adoption, bullying, change your life, character of Joan Wheeler, fabricating that others are doing drugs and sexual activities, intimidation, lying, mental illness, negative thinking, placing one's thinking onto another, self pity, self-absorbed thinking, sins of omission and suppress of one's own misdeeds, vanity writing, wrong with your sisters
What are Joan Wheeler’s basic character traits? Where did she learn about life and behavior? Why does she hate so much? A book post!
Well, we have been showing the answers to these questions, and many more, as we refute her lies, unravel her nonsense and reclaim our rights, dignity, honor, on the personal and family levels. And if we have to repeat them we shall!
It never ceases to amaze me how many times, in so many ways, and with this friend or that friend, how Joan Wheeler continues to believe in her own bullshit! As recently as January 2012, Joan had another friend write a review, of the libelous book, that was pulled from publication, by the publisher in May of 2011. Like that is going to generate sales for a book that no longer exists or that it will ‘help’ Joan the Crusader.
Don’t these people realize that they are making fools of themselves by promoting a libelous book and a writer that lies and in the rights and ‘dignity’ of the author! And at the expense of all the people the author wrote lies and slander about. Sorry, the rest of the world sees right through these types of people.
The following is a repost, of mine, that was published on Ruth’s blog. I did not have a blog until July 2012. I feel it is well worth revisiting past posts for not only does new information have a tendency to come to light, but also new developments occurred since we first read and wrote about that lying hateful libelous book, which was pulled from publication, by the publisher in May of 2011.
Joan continues on with her hate and lies, getting others to attack us, the birth siblings. Most interesting of those developments was that of Brian Maloney who ‘claims’ to be Joan’s defender; we have exposed him and his dirty deeds right along with Joan’s. It does not pay to defend a liar! As time continues on, Joan has not removed her hate blogs, and there are more and more readers that have not seen these early posts about the book and that is why we repost them.
Various new insights/information will be noted in the following text.
The original post can be found @
Forbidden Family or Forbidden Child by Gert McQueen, April 1, 2010 posted May 7, 2010
The evil life is really the thoughtless life….The Dhammapada
The superior man seeks what is right; the inferior one, what is profitable …Confucius
Forbidden family or forbidden child? Why would anyone who adopts a child want to possess that child? Joan’s adoptive parents failed her because of their possessiveness and fear of losing her. Why would anyone (Joan) think that they could change adoption laws by showing the world all their own inner torment and faulty reasoning? It actually will do the reverse; this book will never be taken seriously by anyone that can alter laws. (note…2012, the book was never any big seller and was pulled from publication May 2011 Joan and others have the mistaken impression that their inner tormented lives will help others…talk about narcissist thinking).
If any laws, about adoption, ought to be changed, it would be a more stringent review of the prospective parents. Having adopted my son I know that there are extensive background checks but nothing can really uncover the mental processes of people…until it is too late. In this I agree with Joan. (new…2012,But, Joan is so anti-adoption that she interferred in my parental authority and rights about adoption. That action will not gain Joan any support from other parents…just because she hates adoption does not give her the right to over-ride my rights with my minor children or anyone else! Joan was NOT qualified, in any form, she was not a social worker, had no legal authority, only her ‘personal’ hatred for adoption.)
As I showed in my last post, Joan had shown very early on that she has some serious mental issues in her life. Why did she not get help? Because the adopted parents did not get it for her because they did not see the signs because they had serious mental issues themselves. What I find fascinating is that Joan has no sense of personal shame; she just lays it all out, bearing all, for the world to see, her inner tormented self. This book is not about adoption or adoption reform and social activism, it’s a vanity piece for Joan’s inner world to take center stage in all its ugliness because she felt she was forbidden to be from very early in her life! But if she thinks that this book will help the ‘cause’ of changing adoption rules, she is sadly mistaken. Showing the world how adoption affected your (Joan’s) inner life will not change the laws. Note 2012…even her web site, Forbidden Family, is NOT listed on many adoption reform blogs.
Looking on the pages of the book, on pg 90 we see early signs of anxiety, panic, agitation, worry, and inability to tell people how she feels. When she does describe her feelings or about things she would like to spend time on, she has a strange use of words, such as on pg 91 ‘I salvaged some time each week…’ Salvaged? Why not put aside some time, or took some time, or looked forward to some time? She salvaged!
Even when she is describing events that should be joyful and calm or when she learns about her adoption, she always describes them in terms of inner torment. Pg 92, ‘…felt an agonizing sense of recognition, instantly repulsed at the level of betrayal…’ She sees herself as the ‘victim’; everything is seen from that victim’s eyes. (note 2012) She is the victim of the adoptive parents…they are the real enemy in Joan’s eyes.
It continues; pg 93 ‘…filled with resentment…I was ostracized…when I was alone I huddled…crying…felt lonely even when with people…started smoking pot…didn’t like to but did it anyway…was out of control and depressed.’ Where is her self-esteem? If she didn’t have it at age 18 before she met the birth family, where do you think she lost it? Where were her adoptive parents while she was smoking pot in her room? (note 2012… as I have read and became more familiar with the book’s contents and from other posts that Joan wrote on her web sites and on the public forums, I find that indeed Joan had a very lonely childhood filled with hate and anger…that is the reason why she wrote the book…to get back at them and everyone else…and not for adoption reform.)
Pg 95 is an example of how Joan invents stories to fit in with her view of herself and those around her; for this vanity piece. It is 1974 just before she goes to college, she tells that I, her eldest birth sister, my children and my boyfriend, went to the cemetery to visit our mother’s grave. She states that ‘the adults took a few puffs on a joint to get stoned. I shouldn’t have done it and felt uncomfortable, but Irma (that’s me) brought it out, she insisted…it would ease the pain and I went along with her lead. She was the eldest in the family and I looked up to her.’
All totally wrong, never happened. Number 1, my boyfriend never went with us to the cemetery. Number 2, I never smoked pot nor had a drink with my children around; my children never knew anything about such things until in their teens, when they experimented. In 1974 they were 8 and 9. My children’s natural father, at that time my ex-husband, had intimidated me for years that he would take the children from me. I virtually lived ‘in fear’ that he would do such a thing and therefore lived a very ‘low-profile’ life-style, something that Joan has no concept of. Number 3, she had already admitted that ‘she smoked pot’ on pg 93 so why is she trying to blame me that she smoked?
Not only has she fabricated a story; she makes it look like I made her do it, for what possible reason? Joan again proves, by her own words of lies, that she has no boundaries and no consideration for other people. How dare she put into print that I smoked pot! Has she no sense of the consequences of her words and deeds to other people? If she is capable of lying about her own family members just what is she capable of with her ‘adoptive friends’? Would you trust her? (note 2012…as it has turned out Joan has lost quite a bit of her ‘support’ from the adult adoptees and others because her lies and dirty deeds have been brought out into the light and many are being to see the real Joan)
Then there’s more melodrama! Actually the pages 96-101, where she details the family histories are quite fascinating, that is what adoption reunions are supposes to be about, family histories, not all of Joan’s melodramas. But it becomes quite apparent that it is within the Wheeler family where the troubles originated. The main source of trouble, and later harassment, is shown on pg 99, it is the adoptive father’s brother, John Wheeler, if that is his correct name. It is things that he does later, to Joan, which my sisters and I get the blame for. It is also quite interesting to note the family dynamics at work within the Wheeler family. The antagonism is palpable, the intimidations, the betrayals; all learned and practiced within the Wheeler family complex long before Joan knew she was part of our family! Joan is the product of her upbringing; she has no real claim on the Herr/Sippel families.
On pg 99 she has a ‘confrontation’ with the adoptive uncle and she fully describes how she took from his pocket a document claiming that it was hers…and she wonders why he took ‘revenge’ later! On pg 101 she again shows her amoral character, she sneaks around waiting for the ‘appropriate’ time to take ‘it was mine now and stealing didn’t bother me.’ She speaks with contempt for her adoptive parents, ‘rage burned inside me…why did they do this to me…deceive me…felt cheated out of life…deliberately kept away from…’ She says, ‘an unseen force had been destroying my self-confidence and self-respect…making me feel worthless, unwanted and unloved.’ And this is how one talks about people who raised her for 18 years! It’s me, me, me, with no respect for the people who fed her, changed her diapers and for 18 years provided for her. Shame, shame, shame!
In chapter 12 as she begins college she ‘self-defines’ herself, she ‘wasn’t normal…filled with anxiety’. Even in written communications with adoptive parents she cannot let go of her hatred for them; she feels the mother ‘played God’. Remember this people because it is a learned behavior and Joan has ‘played God’ many times to many people, I know what I speak. Even when a relative dies and she has to go home for a funeral she is selfish; ‘grandma couldn’t have picked a worse time to die’! Like the woman had a choice!
It is in college where she begins to learn about adoption laws with research in a Family Dynamics course. This is also where she is introduced to and indoctrinated into militarist activism along with radical feminism and Political Correctness, or PCism, all of which are the banes of postmodern society. It is my opinion, clearly labeled here, that the beginning of the breakdown of civil society was spawned by radical feminism and PCism and it has brought us to the sorry state of our present social discourse where rudeness and crudeness seems to be all that we know how to act whether it be in person or on the Net!
Like it or not everyone’s family is what it is, that is the nature of ‘being’ in the human race. It does no good to be judgmental about what your family is or isn’t, nor does it do any good to try to get members of your family to ‘fit’ the picture that you think they should be. Joan has a view of what life and everyone’s part in it should be and well, it’s all about her. She can’t accept that people have different views from her and she is quick to condemn another for their ‘mistakes’.
Case in point, pg 107, where after she receives a letter from President Ford, she is ‘…bothered by the president’s misperceptions…his use of the word ‘real’ to describe his natural father and his use of the phrase ‘the only father I ever had’. Oh, she is more aware of the use of proper words than the President of the USA! But then she admits that ‘…since I was new at this …I shouldn’t expect him ….to be aware of the fledgling adoption reform movement…’ How magnanimous of her! And ‘if I only had tried (with the President) I wonder what would have happened.’ Boy does she have visions of her own self-importance; she was just way ahead of her time and the world doesn’t know it!
Let’s go back a bit here with what is meant by ‘the only father I ever had’; substitute any form of parent, mother, stepparent, foster-parent etc. Just what is the problem with that statement or sentiment? I had foster-parents from the ages of 10 to 18 and they were wonderful and gave me many insights into how parents behave. I’m not saying everything was great, but over the years, I have come to have great respect for the job they did, not only for me and my siblings but also for the many other foster children they cared for. I am put off by Joan’s insistence that those that are ‘other’ than birth parents have no real standing in the parenting department.
Pg 108 is another example of flat out lies. Joan states ‘…eldest sister (that’s me), her boyfriend and children came to….college to drive me home…family reunion…in Jamestown.’ Again, truth is, I did not go to get her and take her anywhere, neither did my boyfriend nor my children and don’t recall any reunion in Jamestown or any other place that I attended! On pg 110 she clearly states that ‘on the drive home with B, cousin G and Aunt C…’ If I took her to this reunion why did I not take her back home, why did she go back with others? No, I didn’t go somewhere else because I never was there in the first place! In March of 2010, I spoke with my children; they said they were not at this so-called event. My boyfriend, at that time, died; he was sick most of 1974/5, did not go many places with me and died in 76. All these details about what happened at a reunion, that I never went to, is presented only to show that Joan was finally getting attention, she ‘felt like a celebrity’, never mind that she lies to make up the story.
Again why does she have to retell intimate family sentiments, be they good, bad or ugly? It is no one’s business outside of the family. Details and individual feelings and opinions about other family members stay within the family, but Joan doesn’t take other people into consideration, she hears a tale, she must repeat it. In all her attempts at getting information from families, both adoptive and birth, she exhibits all kinds of inappropriate responses. She thinks that adults have to tell their children everything and if they don’t she is betrayed. She is too thin-skinned, can’t handle people who act abruptly. She jumps to quick conclusions without thinking and resents having to spend so much time getting to know birth family and getting answers from adoptive family. Gee, I thought she wanted the truth, so why is she resentful? It’s like she wants her cake and be able to eat it too. She is so inconvenienced by it all! Forget about truth, it is her own perceptions that are important. When she doesn’t get her way she is ‘confused and angry…lashed out at those closest to me…screamed with rage…my out of control behavior…’ It’s all about Joan and she is all about drama! Hey she has to sell the book, you know!
When Joan is dealing with others, non-family members, she is the nicest, sweetest, loveliest person promoting of all things, truth! see pg 113. But she doesn’t understand family members’ non-interest in the adoption issues; she has to point out that I, Gert, ‘complained that adoption wasn’t her (my) thing’. Is there a point here? Yes, she wants to paint a negative picture of the birth family’s non-interest in adoption, to prove her points! Was she interested in areas of MY life? No!
On pg 114 Joan finally finds the Adoptees Liberty Movement Association and ‘a militant with more than her fair share of enemies’, sounds like Joan met her hero and role-model! Pg 115, ‘…the confusion and rage within me began to consume me and change me into a radical adoptee….that militant part of me grew in ways that were unhealthy … I turned against all adoptive parents, feeling they were totally wrong and were to blame for causing devastating problems for their adoptees…’ And this was her justification to make me be wrong when I adopted my own son in 1981!
Too bad for me and my family isn’t it that she didn’t ‘…recover from this negative stage until….walked into my life in 1981…where my militant aggression has been re-directed away from adoptive parents toward lawmakers and policy makers.’ (note 2012, actually she never left her militant aggression and she never did fully re-direct it. It wasn’t until we started seeing what she wrote on the public forum for Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change, did we see what kind of a stalker and bully she really is. Joan has done very LITTLE towards the lawmakers and policy makers, because she is too angry and hateful to get the message across, just like the rest on that forum.)
The damage Joan began in 1980-81 to my family was only the beginning. I left the area in 1982. Then my sister in England got burnt and my sister in Buffalo had decades more of Joan’s shit, as well as the rest of the family. All will be told, but for now, as she ends this chapter, both in the book and in her life, of 1974, as she calls it the ‘Honeymoon Stage of Reunion’.
But the Honeymoon is over stage has only just began. Stay tuned!