abuser, adoption reform, adoption reunions, age differences between parents and children, being downright nasty, birth/adoptive families, blaming people for your own mess, browbeating people over adoption, bullying, change your life, child abuse, co-dependency, confrontations with Joan Wheeler, Doris Sippel, false accusations, family honor, Forbidden Family a book of lies, how not to be a social-worker, lying, mental illness, whining, worthlessness, writing from memory, wrong with your sisters
Forbidden Family, by Joan Wheeler, Chapter 13; taking another look!
Some of my posts, regarding and refuting Joan’s lies, were placed on Ruth’s blog. I did not have my own blog until July 2012. I have been going over these older posts, adding new developments and insights.
When can you fight city hall, as the saying goes, or when should you just accept what is. Joan Wheeler is an adoptee and instead of accepting that fact, she continues to fight city hall!
Revisiting chapter 13 of the libelous book Forbidden Family; it has been pulled from publication. This post was first seen in July 2010 and now, in 2013, new insights are added. The webs that Joan weaved, in this book, and in real life, is getting tighter and tighter around her…the harder she pulls the tighter it becomes. Someday the weave will break and she’ll have nothing, but she doesn’t have a whole lot now, except her ‘life-story’ and even that is full of holes!
The original post can be seen…
Guess who’s NOT coming to dinner? And is it affection or an invitation?
‘If love be not in the house, there is nothing’…Ezra Pound
Do you really need a document to prove your inner self? For what is a document but a piece of paper that states certain facts, vital information if you like, the… who, what, where, when and why…why, because you exist therefore you MUST have documentation! Let me see your papers!!
Chapter 13 is called Adoption and Birth facts switched on documents. What did people do BEFORE records were kept? There really must have been a whole lot of messed up people ranting and raving BECAUSE they didn’t have any papers that said who they are and was! Joan ought to be glad that she has her PAPERS…many in times past had none!
The basic question is, just what is a birth certificate used for, what is its primary purpose? Quite frankly for identification purposes and it is the business of Vital Records and Vital Statistics to make the rules governing such documents…and not Joan. (note 2013…These laws were set down long before she was and if she wants to change them she certainly isn’t doing so by going out there on the internet and browbeating people over being adopted. At the time of my writing this post I did not know of her cyber bullying activities, now I do and have made many of those activities known, on my blog) Everywhere you go, for anything you want to do in the world, you must have ID, and a birth certificate does that basic job. If you are adopted well information must be ‘switched’, that is simply the way the law works that’s the way it is and golly gee perhaps Joan ought to just accept it, or, talk with the law-makers and not people who adopt!
Pg 117 Joan shows again her propensity for being smarter and wiser than any form of officialdom. She was in ‘disbelief’ and ‘livid’ ‘that New York State Officials actually typed in’…. those dumb officials don’t they know that they can’t do that, they should have consulted with Joan!
(2013…Noted while checking, her correct words, in the book, I noted…that for a book that is promoted to be truth, she doesn’t even have her own birthday correct. She has it as ‘January 16, 1956’ and she has her birthdate ‘blocked out’ on all documents she presents in the book! Why? Doesn’t she want everyone to know her TRUE birthdate? She calls this a true account of HER life and adoption, but yet, she DOES NOT put her birthdate of Jan 7th in the book and removes it from documents that she presents in the book. And yet, she has no problem with telling all manner of lies about EVERYONE else in the birth family and doesn’t care about THEIR privacy issues! Hypocrite!)
Joan’s describing the adoption papers is loaded with a sick sort of drama; twisted minds make twisted lives and twisted tales. It’s really hard to read. She uses a form of second-guessing in this drama; ‘was she (adoptive mom) possessive and hostile because she wanted to believe she gave birth to me?’ and the adoptive father ‘he wasn’t my father because he created me in the old fashioned way (with the adoptive mother)…but because the Surrogate Court…declared him so by legal adoption.’ By ‘the old fashioned way’ she must mean by the usual sexual means of producing children. Why does she beat around the bush here why not just get to the point, she usually doesn’t have a problem spelling things out, so why not here? Is it because she hadn’t explored the ‘old-fashioned way’ yet? (When she first saw her documents at age 18) (Ruth’s note – no Gert, she had been exploring the “old-fashioned way” since she was 16).
She maintains that the records are ‘falsification of the truth’…no! It’s the legal means of adapting to a new reality i.e. from birth to one set of parents to adoption by another set of parents, no falsification at all. But Joan, who is an upstanding moral person (not) feels that ‘there is something morally wrong in the way the truth had been altered, and hidden…couldn’t understand why birth records were legally altered when I (she) knew that falsifying documents are illegal.’ Oh dear me! Does that mean that the department of vital records did something illegal? Joan is always tying herself up into knots over things that are just legal fictions to prove the change of name from this to that. But to her, it is always ‘a slipup…must have made a mistake…’ The reason the adoptee doesn’t see the pre-adoption birth certificate is because it is up to the adults that are making the adoption, of the adoptee, to inform that child when appropriate. She’s always making something out of nothing and she is off fighting bureaucratic and her families.
Pg 120 Joan tells us that she is ‘hungry for identification with people like (her)’, she starts to make contacts, with other adoptees, but ‘their words stirred up feelings of isolation, anger and resentment’…she ‘wanted to enjoy life’ but she now ‘had THIS to deal with – THIS being … adoption and reunion’. (the capital letters are hers) Drama! So her dramas lead her more into loneliness and sadness and looking in all the wrong places for love as she explored the ‘old-fashioned way’ in ‘a few one-night stands’, and then she starts to date a 18-year-old Black guy that lasts ‘for two years’.
Reality check! The times were the mid-1970s, Joan was a very immature sheltered girl who had no experience living with the racial tensions and riots that swept across the country. I, like many others, did. Interracial couplings were NOT the norm, they were scandalous and NOT for every family. The movie Guess who’s coming to dinner appeared in 1967, most families in America were NOT like the family portrayed in the movie. In real life the late 60’s and early 70’s were filled with much violence as the Civil Rights movement was stabilizing. Many whites might have been okay with mix-race couplings but many were not and the same can be said for the Blacks, if they did they were a minority keeping a low profile, something Joan knows nothing about. In many families the idea of crossing racial lines was just not done and the issue was entirely up to an individual family as to how they reached those decisions. When a child goes against the established core values of their family and the wishes of the parents, for shock value, for acting out, for rebellion, the situation never works out well.
This is what Joan did, she did it for rebellion reasons and she gives ‘lip service’ to it when she says ‘…years later that perhaps I used racial issues as a smoke screen – something to focus on instead of what was really bothering me.’ Again, too bad for me that she didn’t come to that conclusion sooner before she interfered with my parental authority and told my 13 year old daughter that ‘your mother doesn’t know anything, don’t listen to her, if you want to date a Black boy do it’! But that’s a story for a later. Joan says that the interracial relationship and adoption issues ‘drove a wedge between her parents and herself…they fought bitterly.’ That is her adoptive parents.
As I stated in a previous post, as very young children, my parents and us 4 children, lived in the same house with a Black family and we were raised not as racists or bigots. My father, in particular, always allowed us to make our own decisions and if we were happy he was happy. My sister Ruth has had long-term relationships with other races and they were and are accepted within our family. My personal views were that it (interracial coupling) was not right for me, or my children, even though they, my children, were free to have friends of different races and religions. As a parent I have the right to make the ‘established core values of the family’ and no one has the right to contradict them to my minor children, as Joan did.
On pg 122 Joan tells of a phone conversation with me, ‘the eldest…which made her an authority figure’, in which I tell her that ‘it’s your choice and you alone will have to live with the consequences, but you are young and don’t know what you’re doing…you can’t dislocate yourself from your family…society isn’t ready for it and you have to live with the rules of society’. That’s correct, I said it or something like it and it was sound advice, then and now. But to Joan, she ‘…hung up the phone in disbelief…Gert must have been chosen to be the spokesperson to represent the entire Sippel, Herr and Wheeler family clans.’ Not true! Where did Joan get such an idea? Because, she had to MAKE ME BE WRONG. I was stating my own personal opinion and speaking as a parent myself. It is only Joan who feels the need to find someone to point the finger at to say that they are the cause of her problems. So Be It!
So she gets back to having more dramas. ‘There was a Reunion in Progress but no one knew how to proceed.’ Did she? No she just lets more of her inner life talk to her and she comes up with ‘my families hated blacks, therefore, they hated me. I was a sinner in need of repentance….’ and on and on and on. She ‘was getting caught up in the world’s social causes, she didn’t see what these causes were doing to her.’ Personal note: Joan never gave anyone the opportunities to continue with the ‘in progress’ of the reunion because she was so argumentive and aggressive in her positions and would not allow others, particularly the adoptive and birth families, to have their own opinions and views on any social issue, it was always about Joan.
Pg 123 ‘then I suffered gastrointestinal problems, sinus infections and backaches.’
Pg 126 adoptive ‘mom was admitted to the hospital with stomach ulcers.’
Pg 129 adoptive ‘father was admitted to the hospital with another bleeding ulcer.’
What does that tell you?
Also, while deciding whether to go to Egypt for a year she ‘was terrified of the Arab society in which women weren’t held equal to men…(was advised) to be aware that an outspoken woman in an Arab country would be a target for ridicule, assault and rape…I wasn’t sure it would be worth it…’ If she couldn’t take the pressure of family responses to her dating a Black man, in this country, what planet was she on when thinking she would be safe on Arab turf in the first place?
On Pg124 Joan finally tells us the real reason she wrote this book! She makes contact with someone at ALMA who wanted to have her story in his up-coming book A Time to Search. ‘The idea of being in a book excited me’ but was told later that he ‘can’t use your story after all…your reunion took place outside the realm of ALMA and its registry’. So Joan says, ‘the nerve of him…my story wasn’t good enough because I didn’t have a reunion with ALMA, I’ll show him, I’ll write my own book, my story was unique enough to stand on its own, that’s how the seed was planted in March 1976, two years into my reunion.’ So much for altruistic reasons! Here I thought she was interested in adoption reform.
Then there’s more drama with adoption issues and interactions with birth family members that she can’t figure out how to take and makes things up according to her own views. Pg 128. In 1976, during a visit with our brother he tells her that he is moving west; now she is ‘losing him’. My brother drives her home one night and in the driveway ‘…he leaned over and kissed my cheek. I was stunned. I didn’t grow up with sisters and brothers….I didn’t know how it felt to be kissed by my brother…it felt odd.’
Then she tells of a visit with me in which she states ‘…that after the kids were in bed…we drank…wine…she (that’s me) rolled a few joints.’ Here we go again, tell the world that I smoked a few joints. I wished! But she continues on with the story ‘…we talked about…then the discussion turned intense. She sat close to me on the couch. She made advances that I interpreted as sexual. I was confused, drugged and drunk. I missed Momma, as she did, she told me not to tell anyone.’
Jesus Christ Almighty! So here it is folks, I, big sister, confused her, drugged her, got her drunk and then made sexual advances to her, and mind you, I told her not to tell anyone! Never happened! First she admits that she was ‘stunned’ when her brother kissed her on the cheek, ‘it felt odd’. True she did not grow up with other siblings so she hasn’t a clue about affection between siblings. She can’t figure out that we siblings also had feelings of joy and affection for her and that sometimes a hug is just a hug, a kiss is just a kiss! Everything that happens to Joan happens from the Joan filter and therefore MUST be true!
At this particular time frame, summer of 1976, I was going through some pretty intense stuff in my life and Joan was not part of it! My fiancé, not my boyfriend, and I were to be married that year, he was to adopt, oh dear me, adopt, my children and we were to have more children. But he got cancer and this particular summer he was sick, sick and sick. In addition, my ex-husband at the time was badgering me weekly to ‘hurry up, get married, and adopt those kids, so I don’t have to pay the child support’. My world had started to crumble that summer. My fiancé died in November. I was numb for almost a year, just doing my job so I could support my children and going through the motions. Joan meant nothing to me! And, because she was getting ready to go to Liverpool, England, she gave little thought to my troubles and me. It is only in this book and elsewhere that she ‘creates’ all these nonsense untrue stories.
But, Joan is good, in a sleazily way, I have to give her credit; she is laying the groundwork here for some event that comes later on, or else she has taken ‘liberties’ and combined one event onto another, either way, what she has said is not a true representation. But oh, what a storyteller she is, too bad most of it can’t be relied upon. I cannot of course comment about events and stories she tells about my other siblings and other family members. If I wasn’t there, at any event, gathering etc, I cannot comment, that being said, I truly have to wonder about the authenticity of other ‘events’ and hope that my sisters make their own observations known here.
Pg 128 she relates ‘…my college roommate, Lucy…we spent some time with…(Ruth) and her…boyfriend and his brother…we went dancing…’ Wrong, lie! According to Ruth, it was not Lucy but was the black boyfriend and at a bowling alley they got into an argument and he threatened her. He had already beaten her up; she was terrified. When they got home, Joan slept on the couch and the boyfriend stayed in the car, for Ruth didn’t want any problems with her neighbors. This is how Joan relates the ‘truthfulness’ of any event!
Pg 129 Joan relates that ‘…my adoptive mother and I threw a going-away party for B and M (brother and his wife).’ According to Ruth, this is a lie, she herself has answered this issue, but for the record here and now, the party was at our father’s home in Sept and Ruth has pictures! There is some doubt as to whether Joan herself was there but certainly her mother was not. Joan’s adoptive mother NEVER was at our father’s home. Ruth was never at Joan’s adoptive home. (Ruth’s note: I was at the house perhaps 3 or 4 times). I was only at that home a couple of times and we have no real knowledge about whether or not our brother ever was at that home. Kathy was already in England and never was in that home. We have no real knowledge about the so-called visits that Joan retells that occurred at our father’s home with our stepmother and other siblings.
I have been quite suspicious, as I read, of all these ‘visits’ between natural father and adopted parents that she relates; they seemed so out of character of everyone in light of how Joan relentlessly portrays the emotional instability of her adopted mother. So what does this prove? That Joan’s ‘recollections’ are flawed, at best a combination of several different events put together to make a whole that ‘fits in’ with Joan’s sense of reality. Her recollections are not to be trusted!
note 2013…now that it is over 2 years since I’ve read the book, I know more than I ever did, about Joan and years’ worth of events that I was not present at. If I could I’d go back over this book and provide more details, but, alas, there is not enough time to do so. As it is, I have yet to finish reading and writing about chapter 38. I have only presented one post related to this chapter for it is so convoluted, disjointed and its purpose is ‘what’? Then other events, such as Joan herself fighting us birth siblings for speaking out against her book, getting the book pulled from publication and then having to deal with more ‘friends’ of Joan’s that well I just haven’t gotten back to it. But fear not! I have more posts that I’m updating, from when they first appeared, as with this one, and I have lots of new information in the wings, and well…Joan loves to talk so there will be more! And more! And more! Until she shuts up and pulls her hate blogs against us!
This was excellent. I especially liked the image of the weaving of a web that is getting tighter and tighter. Powerful analogy when dealing wiht a narcissist!!