abuser, adoptee discrimination, adoption reform, adoption reunions, Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change, being downright nasty, birth/adoptive families, blaming people for your own mess, call to arms, co-dependency, confrontations with Joan Wheeler, cyberbullying, dead book, embellishing the truth, how not to be a social-worker, sins of omission and suppress of one's own misdeeds, stigma, whining, wrong with your sisters
Joan Wheeler is a baaaad Girl! and Adoptees Cite Discrimination in Landmark Study. Part two of two.
Comments related to November 2009 ABC news story that featured Joan Wheeler. part 2 of 2 posts
I have attempted to place a comment on this site, but it has not been placed. That comment is at the bottom of this post!
Gert here: When this story first appeared, I was too busy reading and writing about the contents of the libelous book to play attention to it and other things. I have come to learned that it is NEVER too late to go back and take a closer look at Joan’s positions and words; they reveal a lot and help shed light on her dirty deeds and words for the many who do not know of her history of abuse to the birth family.
First we see a couple of individuals that have ‘ran across’ Joan Wheeler before!
11/30/09 lisa marie Why ABC or any one would use Joan Wheeler as an example of adoption reform is beyond me. Do a little research and see all the chaos Joan has created for her family. She is one of the angry adoptees who has not only hurt her biological family but also her comments to those who oppose her point of view is an example of why some birth parents do not want birth certificates open.
11/28/09 Tleran FYIJoan Wheeler never worked as a social worker. She got her degree, never got a job. Disabled? News to me.Terry
Now let’s look at Joan’s comments on this ABC site/article in which she presents ‘her story’. She is using the screen name of reunited3574. It is helpful to understand that when ANYONE offers a contrary opinion to Joan, she goes into ‘rebuttal’ mode…big time. She MUST make the dissenter REALIZE her view. When she writes comments, online, she forgets about proper spelling etc. Sure a bit of typo errors are okay, but Joan’s are more than that. She writes with her emotions, which makes it difficult to read.
My comments are prefaced with GM>>
11/23/09 Joan said:
Dear Semmg:Please read all of my posts, Part 1 thru Part 5. This reporter did not accurately report what I actually said to her. So your comment about foster care, do not apply to me. My adoption and my relinquishment were mishandled from the very beginning. My point: my relinquishment and my adoption should never have happened at all because there should have been supports given to keep our family together. The mother of five children died and our father was talked into giveing up hsi youngest child – me, a newborn. Adoption destroyed my family and created false sense of happiness for my adoptive parents. They raised me as their only child, knowing that I had siblings less than a 20 minute drive away. My own adoptive parents prevented me access tomy own siblings. Today, taht would be considered child abuse. As for why my reunion did not go well: adoptive family members decided it was wrong for me to accept my father (whom they hated) back into my life. They decided it was wrong for me to reunite with my siblings. I was not given privacy, respect, or dignity to handle my own life free from meddling relatives who wanted me not to become an adoption reform activist.
GM>> Yes, Joan must write far more than the article was! Right, the reporter was not accurate but of course EVERYONE knows that any copy will be EDITED according to the reporter/writer. Joan ought to know that! Here we see her ‘version’ again, not based in actual events and truth. No one talked our father into giving her up! His 2nd wife REFUSED to take and raise the infant in addition to his other 4 and her 2! How does she get ‘child abuse’ out of the fact that in her ‘closed’ adoption, the adoptive parents could NOT tell her about her birth family? Yes, Joan called CHILD ABUSE on me, because I was ADOPTING! Adoption did NOT destroy our family! The death of our mother caused ONE child to be given up INTO adoption, as that was the ONLY OPTION available. Joan is so good at ‘assigning’ thoughts and feelings to other people; ‘false sense of happiness for adoptive parents’! Truth be told, Joan must have been abused in that family for her to hate everyone and everything adoption! Whatever outcomes CAME FROM the adoptive family to her ‘reunion’ are NOT the birth family’s problems and we should not have to suffer because THOSE people couldn’t handle anything. And like everything else, Joan’s depictions of the relationships between birth and adoptive parents are different with and at each telling and venue! She says one thing here, another version in the book and yet another and another elsewhere!
11/23/09 Joan said:
Any readers who want to read about the real discrimination against adoptees — sealed and falsified birth certificates —visit my website: http://forbiddenfamily.com.joan/ M Wheeler, birn as, Doris M SippelI will fight to the day I die for the right to have a certified copy of my true birth certificate. The legal birth certificate I have (and this applies to all adoptees) is a legal lie. My legal birth certificate states that a woman gave birth to me in a hospital, that my birth was a single birth, the name of the hospital is on this birth certificate, and sois the time of my birth. This “new” birth certificate was created for me at the time of the finalization of my adoption. The father named on this birth record did not create me with the mother named. there are no hospital records for this birth. This should have been recorded as an adoption, not a birth.
GM>>There’s that drum beat! about ‘real’ discrimination! She will fight to the day she dies! What a self-martyr she is! This proves that she has NO LIFE.
11/23/09 Joan said: tjsills — I have grown up. I was more mature at 18, and faced more mature problems than other teenagers.I repeat: the lies of adoption, the secrets told, and the hate heaped upon adoption activists causes more problems. I have faced soo many comments from disbelievers such as yourself. Other adoption reformers face this criticsm, too.Family dysfunstion does occurr in many other families, sure, but in adoption, there is greater risk for dysfunction and it is mostly directed at the adoptee. To say that I have not grown up is a reflection of your own ignorance of the real issues in adoption. Your attacks do not bother me. What does bother me is the discrimination toward all adoptees by laws that prevent us access to our sealed true birth certificates. Lies, deception, and manipulation in relationships are one thing, lies, deception and systematic cover ups by the government on fraudulent birth certificates is one of the core issues of discrimination agaisnt adoptees.
GM>> Oh no, Joan got her back up because someone told her to ‘grow up’! No, she was not ‘more mature at 18’, far from it. She NEVER HAS grown up! Depending on the circumstances of what she wants to say, and to whom, she can be ‘more mature’ or totally stupid! Just one small example from the libelous book she wrote. At a small birth family party in 1979, Joan was 23 years old. She said/wrote ‘I wasn’t taught to clean up. I had no social skills.’ She had NO SOCIAL SKILLS! at 23! She didn’t know to ‘pick up’ her dirty dish and put it into the sink! She had NO SOCIAL SKILLS! And she is stupid enough to publish that statement!
She must tell the writer, who has a difference of opinion with her, that THEY are the ignorant one! That is how Joan works; it is in everything she writes and in every dialogue, only she is right, everyone else is ignorant. Attacks don’t bother her?? Gosh within a month or so after this article appeared she was SCREAMING that we birth siblings were attacking her! Joan said, on her cyber bullying page, about her sisters ‘These people FOUND me when I was still in high school.’ Does that sound like she was ‘mature’ at 18? No, she said in the book, many times, that she was ‘immature’ and NOT ready to handle the reunion!
Joan said: 11/23/09 Right to Life Movement and Abortion have no place in this discussion. … Crisis Pregnancy Centers are well known to be places where pregnant girls are talked into (coerced) giving up their babies at birth. That is cruel and inhuman treatment. Ripping a newborn away from her mother at birth is an act of violence against the infant and the mother. Judging others and placing labels such as illegitimate on the babies, and derrogatory names on the mothers adds to prejudice and discrimination. Human treatment of teenage mothers and fathers would be helping them keep their babies, unless of course, you want to supply babies to the multi-billion dollar adoption industry. Adoption hurts people, except the attorneys, adoption agencies and the pre-adoptive parents who “get” the baby. IF a child cannot be raised by her own family, then guardianship should replace adoption. Guardainship keeps the child’s identity intact and provides for continuity in relationships with blood kin, while providing a home with guardians who do not replace the child’s parents, but add to the child’s circle of love. Adoption destroys natural family and kinship connections, irreguardless of how much love is bestowed on the adoptee. Building adoptive families upon lies destroys trust.
GM>>Well now, if Joan asserts that certain topics and issues have no place in the current discussion, why is it then, that when it suits her, she uses those very same arguments, over and over again? When she postulates that her own adoption should NEVER have taken place she ALWAYS brings up these ‘other’ topics/issues. She wanted ‘guardianship’…well it didn’t happen, could not have happen. Joan gets so wrapped up that she forgets that HER adoption is not the same as someone who was ‘ripped’ away! Her assertion that ADOPTION hurts people is nonsense. Adoption was NOT a good thing for her. Well those are the breaks! No one promised her a ‘rose-garden’. She chooses to live a life of hate and anger and that makes for one dangerous person; they cannot be appeased.
Joan said: 11/23/09 to marybethmandtpurvis —Again, I must defend myself. When I was adopted and raised as an only child, I was pampered and loved. So much so that my cousins who came from many-children families were jealous of me because they said I got all the attention from my doting adoptive parents and they had to share with their siblings. Accountability and responsibility to be honest falls squarely on the adoptive parents who showered me with love, but lied to me for 18 years. The rest of my adoptive family acted as if I committed atrocious sins for accepting a phone call that reunited me with my siblings and my father. I am accountable to myself, Marybeth… from the moment I received that phone call I told myself that the only way to get through this is to accept that I have two sets of real parents. That is how I handled it and that is how I treated my adoptive parents and my natural father and my reunited-with siblings. My adoptive father actually had tears in his eyes when he spoke with my natural father for the first time, saying to me, “I am glad the secret is out.” For many of my extended adoptive family, they were shocked that I would even want to have a reunion, and I was shunned by relatives. I am the source of exposing the truth of hateful comments made to me by my adoptive relatives. When my adoptive father died, a cousin with whom I shared a childhood said, “You openly declare you have two fathers, so you must not love this one. Me and your other cousins don’t want you here” (at this father’s funeral). Who was responsible for sending me anonymous hate mail after my reunion? One was finally arrested and convicted after 22 years when he slipped up and put his return address on the envelope. That was my loving adoptive uncle who sent mail that said, “I know why your father got rid of you, because he couldn’t stand the sight of you.” So you don’t want to believe that adoptees are faced with iscrimination? That is on your shoulders to disbelieve. I know what I lived through. Where did my adoptive uncle get the idea that my natural father didn’t want me? He heard rumors spread by my deceased mother’s family. My adoption was filled with dysfunctional people, all blaming my father for my mother’s death at age 30 from cancer, and then blaming him for giving me away, then blaming me for speaking out and trying to change adoption laws for more openness, honesty and respect. My natural father is dying at age 85. He has said repeatedly that he never wanted to let me go, but was talked into it at his wife’s funeral. My adoptive mother is dying at age 93. She at least has accepted that the birth certificate I have is a lie made by the government and stands by me to see that lie corrected by the government. My adoptive mother has yet to fully understand that telling such destructive secrets and keeping me from my siblings — siblings that she never wanted me to know — was cruel. I DID NOT tell this reporter I would have rather gone into foster care! NO! I wish my natural family would have stayed together after the death of our mother. My childhood was a lie. I am responsible for myself Marybeth: so responsible that each time I wrote an article in the paper (Letters to the Editor) what I got in return was hate mail and hate phone calls because my own relatives did not want me to be me.
GM>>Why must Joan ‘defend’ herself? Because she cannot accept that others do NOT see things HER way! She must keep on typing and screaming so that SOMEONE would hear her! I do agree with her that the adoptive parents ARE the ones who should be blamed for Joan’s character and behavior; they raised her to be as she is! Joan says here that she ‘is accountable to myself’…this means that she DOESN’T have to account to NO ONE; she is immune from her words and action. My theory is…that during her childhood, somehow she was abused and when she finally was ‘found’ by birth family, she USED that as a weapon against the adoptive parents and everyone else that harmed her. Prior to 18 she had NO POWER, but as she describes in the book, she NOW WENT AFTER everyone who ever HURT HER. That is how she believes she is accountable and responsible for herself…by writing a hate-manifesto, exploiting family members, repeating lies/rumors, fabrications to ‘make it fit’ and then fighting birth siblings for being used again!
This SECRET? That’s how adoption works! I am sure that Joan’s adoption circumstances are not unique. I personally know of several cases of ‘shirt-tale’ relatives receiving a child that was either unwanted or upon death of parents and it was and is psychologically SOUND to keep the identity of the OTHER family a secret! This is something that Joan REFUSES TO ACCEPT. The problems that she had with adoptive family relations are THEIR problems that should never have been used by Joan, in a LYING BOOK, that harmed the entire birth family! Joan never thinks! WHAT is the purpose of telling these RUMORS? Only to prove her point? Joan is so full of melodrama! Here she tells about the adoptive family harassing her, but yet she blamed the birth family for doing it!
She continues with the falsehood that our father was talked into giving her up at our mother’s funeral; total nonsense. What Dad DID NOT say to her, in reunion, is that his 2nd wife REFUSED her. He didn’t want to hurt Joan anymore, but perhaps if he did TELL her it would have helped! FACT: our father knew she wife was dying, 10 days AFTER Joan was born. He started to make arrangements, with a woman, for when the inevitable happened. A marriage of convenience, his 5 and her 2, together BUT, she refused the infant; she would NOT TAKE THE INFANT. When my mother died, Dad had NO OPTION LEFT, but to think adoption for the infant. Birth relatives KNEW couple that WANTED TO ADOPT and so the deal was done. NO PRESSURE. It’s too bad that Joan had such a bad childhood and that she perceives that adoption is wrong and bad. But, to continue to lie and scream and blame everyone and everything is what is bad and wrong!
And then there is Joan’s big 5 part ‘self-defense’
Posted by: reunited3574 11/23/09
Part 1 The responses to this story reflect the ignorance of adoption that still exist. It is appalling what people perceive adoption to be.I will be posting a series of posts (due to space limitations) to correct mistakes in the bad reporting and mischaracterization of my adoption and reunion. First, it is not the reunion that went bad, it was my entire adoption that was wrong. Reunion, itself, is not a bad thing, and in miss-representing what I said to the reporter gives the wrong impression. Reunions are a good thing, if handled appropriately. Adoptions can be a good experience, if handled appropriately. I was an 18 year old high school senior, raised a socially isolated only child by parents who chose to keep secrets from me. They knew I had siblings within 5 miles of our home, and they chose to prevent me from access to them. Meanwhile, members of my adoptive father’s family and members of my deceased natural mother’s family socialized with each other, passing around rumors about my natural father and secret stories of me growing up. I was unaware of this and so was my father. This was social engineering and certainly not the proper way to handle a “relative adoption”. I was treated as an outcast by most of my adoptive family after my reunion – good enough to be in the family while my adoption is secret, but toss me out after I reunite with my father and finally grieve the death of my mother. I did not create resentment – adoption myths and taboos did.
GM>> Here’s Joan Wheeler at her best! She can’t take any form of criticism! She’s just the crusader to MAKE everyone know about the world of adoption according to her! She has to ‘correct’ mistakes, bad reporting and mischaracterization of her adoption and reunion! She is OFFENDED and OUTRAGED that she was misrepresented! She didn’t, and still doesn’t, concern herself about HOW she has been doing the same thing to the birth family, even in this article and comments! It’s all about Joan! Whatever flaws with adoption may be, the bottom line, in Joan Wheeler’s life, is that she hated her adoptive family and ONCE she got the evidence of the birth family, Joan went after everyone. Her reunion was NOT handled correctly! There’s no set program for such a thing! People connect and then life happens. Joan never owes up to her own misbehavior in reunion…still today…it’s everyone else.
Part 2When my older full blood siblings found me, it was a shock. Of course it would be: to learn that the most trusted people to a child lied, on purpose, and treated me as a possession. My siblings and I and our father had as good a reunion as could be, considering I was at everyone’s mercy for they told me their versions of the truth and assumed that I should get on with life quickly. That does not happen. The shock of being found, the shock of lies, and the growing turmoil of both families putting me down because I chose to become an adoption reform activist, resulted in life-long psychological trauma. Do not twist my words around to make it seem that I had a “Bad Reunion.” THAT is mischaracterization of what I told this reporter.It is the total accumulation of misinformed relatives, societal myths, and definite discrimination against adoptees in general that made my life difficult. How can one person defend herself against an adoptive family network of rumors and disgust, a split natural family (one side believing that my father was responsible for my mother’s death from cancer, and my father not knowing the full extent of the involvement of other people in the adoption of his child. There was total lack of concern for him as my relinquishing father, total lack of concern for the five children at the death of our mother.
GM>> Joan’s portrayal of events are colored by her PERCEPTIONS and her TRANSFERING of her feelings ONTO others. Dad DID NOT have a good reunion with Joan. Right from the beginning SHE was always offended by how he acted and what he said. In the libelous book that she wrote, that this article was PROMOTING, she details her FEELINGS and OPINIONS of Dad; they are not flattering. Just before this book was published, before this article was written, before ANYONE knew it was published, Dad saw a DRAFT and was OFFENDED and INSULTED by what she wrote. She wanted him to pay for her car repairs (because she was taking him to doctor appointments) and when he refused (not his responsibility) she ARGUED with him…he kicked her out of his home! In the book she writes about this, FROM, her perception, NOT from reality! And she condemns her father for being overbearing and that she is ‘done with him’. All arguments that Joan puts forth against adoption, how she was mistreated or anything else is from a diseased mind!
Part 3The only thing that mattered was that I, the adoptee, had a so-called better life to be away fm wretchedness of the father and siblings left behind. I paid for the “sin” of accepting my father back into my life by having hate mail sent to me and hate phone calls from anonymous adoptive relatives who took it out on me that I even dared to have a reunion with a man they hated. THAT is what was wrong in my adoption and reunion—distortion of beliefs surrounding adoption. I DID NOT say to this reporter that I wished I was raised in foster care or was under guardianship. THAT is a twist of what I actually said. If my adoptive parents were truthful to me while I was growing up, if the judge had realized that there were four other children involved and made it a part of this adoption to have ongoing sibling and father visitation, and if there were no hateful rumors spread for 53 years, then there would have been a cooperation in visitation for the sibling group, I would have known that my mother died and where she was buried. Better yet, my family should never have been separated by adoption in the first place. Family preservation should have prevailed, but no, adoption was seen as the only solution.
GM>> It’s too bad that Joan likes to wear ‘sack cloth and ashes’ and gets so melodramatic! She paid for the sin! If there is ‘distortion of beliefs surrounding adoption’ there are certainly many distortions in Joan’s telling the story! Again, Joan has NEVER accepted the TRUE circumstances of WHY SHE WAS ADOPTED OUT. Dad made a COMPROMISE, a remarriage that happened 3 months after the death of wife and Joan’s placement into adoption…BECAUSE…the 2nd wife would NOT take the infant! Everything Joan says should have happened COULD NOT have happened. She’s beating a dead dog!
Part 4I said that, adoption as a social practice should be replaced by family preservation. IF a child cannot be raised by her family, then guardianship should replace adoption because adoption creates a new identity for the child and destroys the natural family connections. Adoption itself causes distortions in peoples’ attitudes. This reporter misrepresented what I told her. And she chose to ignore the very real birth certificates I sent her. All adoptees’ birth certificates are seized by the government and a new, falsified, birth certificate is issued claiming the parents of adoption actually gave birth. The reporter was shocked when I told her this, “They don’t still do that, do they?” she asked me. “Yes, they do!” I responded. I sent her copies of all of my fraudulent birth and baptismal certificates, and true birth certificates. But she chose to ignore my message.This is why I have written a book — because reporters are too casual with information given to them. I have told my story to numerous reporters since 1975, and it is always the same. They report a twisted version of what I actually said.
GM>> Joan’s platform is unworkable for all situations, period! Joan is furious that the reporter CHOSE to ignore the message. THAT is why she wrote the book…read what she says here! I have READ the book and it is a most TWISTED version of MY FAMILY that I ever saw. That is why the birth siblings have refuted the book and her lies and have gotten the book pulled from publication!
Part 5This adoptee has faced a variety of discriminations: 1st in my relinquishment that could have been prevented, then my adoption that was full of lies from the very beginning, and the lies told behind me as I was growing in a social circle similar to The Truman Show. Do not place the burden on a “bad reunion” upon me. Remember this: an 18 year old faced with psychological shock of this magnitude does not emotionally heal well, nor do the adoptive parents who lied for 18 years and defended their right to lie by screaming and yelling and blaming the adoptee, nor do the siblings of that adoptee, and, the relinquishing father who was talked into giving up his newborn at the funeral of his dead wife.Adoption itself is wrong. Morally, ethically, humanly, wrong. Adoption is a no-win situation.This reporter was more interested in getting a decent photo to put my face in her story to prove the bad side of reunions, without printing the evidence I gave her to expose the worst discrimination of all: sealed and falsified birth certificates that all adoptees suffer. Creating new and fraudulent birth certificates for each adoptee, and forcing us to beg for our truthful birth certificates, is the biggest discrimination in adoption today.Joan Mary Wheeler, born as, Doris Michol SippelNovember 23, 2009
GM>> Oh the poor thing! She has faced so many discriminations!! She really ought to take a hard look at the many that have faced REAL discriminations! I have absolutely no sympathy for this person who wants to wallow in her self-pity. When someone calls her on it…she lasses out again…you’ll see. She’s such a broken record; over and over again. And man is she ever pissed! See it, hear it, temper! How dare the reporter NOT print the truth, according to Joan Wheeler? Why couldn’t Joan Wheeler print the truth in the libelous book she published?
MY comment to this site that has not been published for what ever reason….
Joan Wheeler screen name reunited3574 is my birthsib. Book she wrote pulled from publication May 2011; libelous. Facts: 10 days AFTER birth of 5th child mother had terminal cancer. Husband had to do something w/children, cared by elderly grandparents. Infant placed w/relatives, father never bonded, he proposed a marriage of convenience; his 5, her 2. 2nd wife REFUSED infant. Day wife died, in his mind, 5th child died! Only way he could give her up, in adoption. 3 months after his wife died, remarried to provide for 6 children & proceeded w/adoption; out of sight, out of mind! Shirt-tale relatives KNEW couple that wanted child, simple as that! Doris was out of our family, became Joan. Due to long-term hospitalization of 2nd wife,1 year after DEATH of mother, 4 LITTLE children, were placed into orphan & foster homes! https://gertmcqueen.wordpress.com and http://ruthsipplepace.wordpress.com To get a completely different view of Joan’s adoption reform attitude http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2009/11/joan-wheeler-is-baaaad-girl.html
end part 2 of 2