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Hypocrisy of Joan Wheeler! what was her own behavior and marriage really like?

by on June 17, 2013

Since her libelous book, Forbidden Family, had been pulled, by the publisher, for violating her contract with them, Joan has been scouring various adoption related internet articles and other unsuspecting non-adoption people, to retell her painful story. Since she has been on Twitter, she has found many that have NO idea about Joan’s past behaviors. So Joan can refit her story line to them. Except…she FORGETS that her own lying words are STILL OUT THERE. As long as Joan CONTINUES to use the name forbiddenfamily and claim that that book is a truthful account she is subjected to having her words and deeds coming back to haunt her.

BUT BEFORE WE CONTINUE WITH THIS POST HERE IS AN UPDATE, August 2016, as older posts are being seen I’m updating with links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ another ‘revised’ version. In this ‘version’ called ‘duped by adoption’ she has increased her exploitation by including PICTURES and REAL NAMES and much more personal information violating again the families. Joan has no decency NOR shame. There is NOTHING in this book for adoption reform. She is totally against adoption and her two families. To learn more see…

https://gertmcqueen2.wordpress.com/

https://www.facebook.com/dupedbyadoption1

NOW TO CONTINUE ON WITH THIS POST…

Just to be sure we all know the meaning of hypocrisy…it is…the pretense of having virtues, moral principles or religious beliefs that one does not really possess.

Joan truly has a narcissistic personality. This must be understood. And as such, she really does not have the virtues, moral principles and/or religious beliefs that she rails about or against. Joan is only true to herself. She will put whatever spin she can on anything and to anyone for as long as possible, even in the face of exposure of her lies! She’s a master at DENIAL and COVERUP.

Joan is very good at white-washing any situation, with or without another person to present a different ‘version’ of any event, and, without putting herself in any form of negative light! Or so she believes. In other words, Joan is a master at fabricating and retooling an episode so that the ‘other person’ is the bad guy and she is the ‘victim’. Joan knows how to play up the ‘victimhood’ role! One of the many problems with that tactic is that when she does it in PRINT those printed words NEVER go away. In her ‘victim-hood’ Joan presents her ‘case’ as to why she is the victim. She gives detailed reasons. Her proofs are always her own inner dialogue to support her case and to show why the other guy is wrong. She does this because she BELIEVES that every negative thing in her life comes from the fact that she is an adoptee!

An example is…the TWO DIFFERENT guys that beat her up because she was an adoptee and they didn’t understand her life. One she left her husband for, and the other, while she was afraid of him, she would not leave him but had to ‘save’ him because she’s a social worker who knows what he needs. I kid you NOT, it’s all in the book! There are MANY of these episodes documented by Joan, from her inner dialogue of ‘proof’.

In these current days, were Joan’s ‘adoption activist’ role seems to be diminished and some of her more recent provocative statements and actions have brought her to Family Court and an order of protection against her, we find Joan attempting to present herself in a different manner.

It is only in recent months/years that issues related to gun violence and various controls of gun ownership have made it into the public awareness. This is neither the time nor place to debate that issue. It is only just one example of how Joan uses a current theme to add to her repertoire of ‘hypocritical’ principles…all used to draw more sympathy from other people.

In her book and on various internet discussions, Joan has written many violent things against pro-adoption institutions and people as well as to her own birth siblings and father. Many of these incidents have been blogged about here on our blogs. Joan also vents her self-righteousness over various incidents if they suit her. Joan is totally unconscious as to how what she utters is taken by the general public and/or governmental agencies. On April 14, one day before the Boston bombing, she advocated, on Twitter, the blowing up of offices of Vital Statistics to get their attention about adoptee’s right to birth certificates!

When that statement was brought to the attention of her lawyer…yes LAWYER…as in an issue in Family Court with Ruth…Joan started to change her tune; retooling her story line. If you look at Joan’s Tweets (@forbiddenfamily) you see her real personality come out. With her constant use of sarcasm she thinks she cute and clever but it only adds to heighten her ‘hypocrisy’.

Here are THREE interesting tweets Joan put out with intent to draw attention away from her self but only brings more light to her. She doesn’t tell the ‘whole truth and nothing but the truth’. Sure, on Twitter it is difficult to get a lot out at once, but as will be seen, Joan NEVER relates her own behavior ONLY that of others.

#one On May 4 Joan Wheeler is ranting over the loud music of a neighbor…and said the following on Twitter

Man, I love these depressing songs. think I’ll go kill myself. No, that’s a crime, too. Who else sings depressing songs? The Irish! Yes

Okay…on the surface seems innocent enough…unless you know Joan’s previous behaviors and that she is attempting to draw attention away from any ‘criminal or suicidal’ talk/behaviors on her part. Take a look at just one example to see her real behavior…from my blog

#two On May 4 Joan Wheeler said the following on Twitter

Don’tcha just HATE people blaring music so the whole neighborhood can hear it? I do. Gonna take it out by leaving for live Celtic music

Again…on the surface isn’t such an outlandish statement…unless you know Joan’s real behavior. Joan forgets that her own behavior, in public, in front of neighbors, is less than charming and that the neighbor think her crazy or that memories are gone….

From Ruth’s blog…see…Joan Wheeler needs to stop judging my life October 13, 2011

From that blog post I quote the following that Ruth wrote:

In August 1990, I accompanied Joan to the mall. I was at her house – in the inner city and we were going to take her then 4 year old daughter with us. It was just after 6:00 pm – a beautiful sunny summer late afternoon. Joan’s husband had just gotten home from work about 20 minutes earlier and was sitting in the living room watching the evening news. Joan and I were outside. I was standing on the sidewalk in front of her house, and Joan was backing the car out the  driveway. When she got the car down to the sidewalk, she got out of the car, and Joan’s daughter, who had been standing on the porch steps started walking across the lawn to her mother and stepped in dog poop. Joan let out some nice colorful metaphors! “Son of a bitch! COLBY!” Joan grabbed her daughter’s arm and marched her back up the porch steps. “COLBY GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND BE A FATHER TO YOUR KIDS!” By this point, she had opened the front door and shoved her daughter in the door. She then stood on the front door and continued her tirade- yelling and screaming obscenities!   Meanwhile, I stood on the sidewalk, mortified. I looked around and saw the neighbors stop what they were doing to watch. I wanted the earth to swallow me up. Because Joan and I look a lot alike, I was sick. I didn’t want these people to know I was related to this raving lunatic.

And from my blog see this post…

#3 On May 4 Joan Wheeler said the following on Twitter

When I was married, husband came home with an AK 47. We had two little kids. Left him 6 months later.

Now on the surface this seems plausible…if one is attempting to show that they are against guns, violence, was a victim etc and that was the reason she left the husband. But the truth is far different and it’s all in her book! Joan left her husband for ANOTHER MAN!

When I saw this tweet it got me to really think about her marriage, for you see I was GONE FROM HER LIFE during that time, contrary to what Joan tells. So I went to the ‘book’ and well…here are, in as concise as I can make it, the REAL BACKGROUND into Joan’s marriage and WHY she left her husband, in her own words! Note well pages 323/326 and 341.

pg 223 (1982) first meeting…’dated casually…he was sweet, generous and caring…loved his parents and sister…spoke kindly of people…wonderful sense of humor…we both enjoyed medieval history and romanticized how we met through a reenactment group that my older brother introduced me to…same goals in life…important that the mother stay home with the children to give them a good start in life. I felt secure.’

pg 237 (1983) after birth of first child…’postpartum depression set in the day I came home from the hospital. I was lonely, tired, and weak…I mourned for the countless mothers who lost their babies to adoption…(husband’s) mother had only six months getting to know her grandson before she moved to Charleston, SC.’

pg 247/248 (1984) ‘…(husband) was laid off. We had no money saved, no money to pay the rent and no food in the house. I stayed home, breastfed our infant son…turned to government cheese and butter lines and food stamps…didn’t have money for diapers…unemployment benefits began…(husband’s mother) sent a one-way train ticket (for husband)…drove him to the train station…Sept 18, 1984…(baby) and I went on welfare…this wasn’t the first indication that the marriage wouldn’t last…argued frequently…(husband) yelled at me over long distance telephone calls…nothing for you in Buffalo…I yelled back, my home, my history, my family…I can’t leave’

pg 251/252 (late 84/early 85) ‘spent much time in private writing, reading and reflection…future of my marriage was a definite concern…living alone with my son helped me achieve part of my goals. (adoptive mother) lived in fear that I’d leave her again…reassured her that I wouldn’t…by Easter 1985 (husband) send for baby and me…not seen each other in 6 months…wondered if he’d notice the 15 pounds I’d lost. I was disappointed when I saw him. He had gain more weight than I had lost. He now tipped the scales at 275 lbs…worn torn and sloppy clothes, his beard was unkempt…hair unruly…wasn’t the man I remembered…I was even less than impressed with the city of Charleston…didn’t want to live there…my marriage was an uncertain stalemate.

pg 253 (summer 85) ‘(husband) had been gone for nearly a year and he threatened divorce if I didn’t move to Charleston…I had to choose between my family and my husband. I didn’t feel I should have to…bitter and resentful I reluctantly agreed to move and began preparations to leave my home.’

pg 257 (Dec 85/Jan 86) ‘I spent my 30th birthday in a city I didn’t like, lonely for the home I left behind. (husband’s) next bid idea was to buy a double-wide trailer. Bad enough we were already poor, I didn’t want to live in a trailer park to become trailer trash…drove back to Buffalo…moving date in March…two weeks later…I was pregnant.’

pg 258 (Jan 86) ‘I couldn’t leave Buffalo now. I gave (husband) an ultimatum; either he came home where he belonged, or I’d file for divorce. Three months later, we were a family again.’

pg 260 ‘in between my readings and writings on adoption I prepared for the birth of our second child…October 86.’

pg 267/268 ‘(husband’s) job didn’t last too long…when jobs were found, they didn’t pay much to provide for a family of four. Meanwhile, I struggled with two young children at home, feeling helpless. I tried my best to draw in money with my writing…tried to secure a paid publishing contract and an advance for my autobiography…book needed to be written…juggled with my children around…to get paid for doing what I like to do – write…biggest problem was my husband’s lack of steady employment. His job stability was crucial for me to accomplish my goals. When he lost a job, which was often, everything else fell apart…(husband) became critical of me, frequently said I wasn’t working, yet we agreed before we married that I’d stay home with the children to give them a good foundation in life…he often complained I was merely taking care of children…didn’t value me as a mother, for doing housework and cooking…I retreated deeper into frustrated depression anxiety and anger. With no money to travel, I missed the next (adoption) conference…it was necessary for my mental health.

pg271 (July 88) ‘while (husband) worked a job he found after several months of unemployment, Mom (adoptive) and I took my children…for some fun.’

pg 273 (spring 89) ‘(husband) faced yet another job layoff…found a temp job. I made…to attend the American Adoption Congress Conference in NY City…Dr. Rene Hoksbergen of The Adoption Center of the University of Utrecht…to stay with us for a few days before the conference.’

pg 283 (1989) ‘for 3 years we lived in a rented house…the first three years of my daughter’s life, I took care of the children while (husband) either looked for work or worked low-paying temp…jobs…we didn’t have enough money to pay rent and buy food…we skidded by on one meal per day…we were evicted…I dropped out of sight from…relatives and much of life because I was embarrassed and depressed.’

pg 291/292 (1990) ‘(husband) and I tried to make the marriage work…had two children…in addition were in debt…we went in with Ruth on a housing deal…six months later money was gone…(husband) was in some mysterious deals with interstate fireworks sales…my mother and sister were angry with me because my husband and I couldn’t come up with the money…bankruptcy…our children went without…there was always fighting…our marriage was problematic right from the start, but I didn’t get married to get a divorce…tried to resolve (problems)…blurring of boundaries between what was healthy and what was not became our norm. I became enmeshed in my husband’s problems. I lost all sense of self…retreated deeper into depression and panic attacks…hated being dependent on him…couldn’t rely on him to take care of children so I could work. I lacked self-esteem to find paid work…(family) grew distressed with me that I didn’t leave (husband)…’

pg 294 ‘…confided in my father, stepmother and my adoptive mother about my marriage problems’

pg 311 (1992) ‘…(husband) threw it in my face you’re crazy just like your sisters, he used my sisters’ attacks on me as excuses for him to pick on me’

pg 320/321 ‘My husband lost interest in me because I didn’t fit his picture of an ideal woman…good enough to bear his children but not sexy enough to keep him interested…he sought…elsewhere…he gained 115 pounds…wasn’t content doing laundry, cooking…when he was out of work, it was I who stood in line for food pantries…Free Lunch Programs…this wasn’t what I meant when I agreed to stay home with the children…wasn’t much of a husband or a father…couldn’t deal…with mundane world…lived in a medieval fantasy…hiding within a pretend society…involvement was obsessive…taught knife throwing and sword fighting, fought battles…held position of power…people came to him for advice…medieval fantasy was emotionally safe for him…in real world he wanted protection from the thugs outside, so be brought an AK-47 and kept it by the master bed, along with his switchblade knife and dagger collection. If I dared rock the boat, he threatened to make me pay. For many reasons, we slept in separate bedrooms.

pg 322 (1993) ‘Life without my husband, well, I was working on a plan to leave him. I prayed that something would happen soon, something that would make it easier to leave him because I wasn’t strong enough to leave on my own…leaving him would mean a life on welfare, as I had no marketable job skills…we lived in a hellish nightmare of yelling at each other constantly…my prayer was answered someone from my high school days…

pg 323 to this old boyfriend she says ‘…I admitted that I was unhappily married’ He said, ‘we have to get together maybe you’d consider moving in with me’. I told (husband) I was leaving him…filing for divorce and sole custody…’

pg325/326 ‘the children and I moved in with (old boyfriend), very small house and (old boyfriend) wasn’t prepared for the invasion of three new people…my prayers were answered…help me move out of bad marriage…beginnings of a loving relationship…my sister’s interference in our lives caused (old/new boyfriend) and me to argue…he didn’t take care of himself…drank, had buddies over and ignored me, said he acted hastily…the kids and I crowded him…(he) first hit me I didn’t understand, did his fluctuating blood sugar levels cause him to lose control…tried to reason with him, worst he got…threw me down the basement stairs..

pg 328 ‘…police arrested (boyfriend)…the only place to move now was in with Mom…we needed my mother more than she needed us interrupting her privacy’

pg 341 ‘…divorce became final in …95, he didn’t pay child support…no alimony…he got off scot-free…during divorce proceedings he tried to sue me for the potential profits of this book since I wrote portions of it while married. He forgot that I started writing years before meeting him. I had a right to a career on my own. His lawyer told him that this was my life story and he had no claim to it. I was glad to be rid of him.’

And so that’s the story of Joan’s marriage … and also her hypocrisy and her retelling of her story, according which ever audience she is talking to…Beware!

Ruth

Excellent post Gert – and if people would DEEPLY read what Joan says – you will see – NOTHING IS HER FAULT! It’s always somebody else’s fault. She puts the blame on her economically challenged marriage squarely on her ex-husband. Yet, she was always for Women’s Rights. A feminist. She’s no such thing. A true Woman stands on her own two feet and does not rely on Prince Charming. Many people, MANY people told Joan over and over to get off her ass and get a job. She wouldn’t do it. Because she’s a spoiled lazy narcissist.

“…(husband) became critical of me, frequently said I wasn’t working, yet we agreed before we married that I’d stay home with the children to give them a good foundation in life…”

Okay, maybe they agreed to that when they first got married. But things change. When I first moved in with my first husband, I was already working. He was working in a steel. He got laid off. He took a job in a neighborhood delicatessen. When I first moved in with my second husband, we also went through the same things that Joan is whining about here…. “when he was out of work, it was I who stood in line for food pantries…” Joan paints a picture that she is the only one who had to go to a food pantry. In 1996, John and I bought our house off our landlord. Six months later, he was laid off. His unemployment payments did not equal what his paycheck had brought in. So I picked up extra hours at my job. John had trouble getting another job – he was over 50. Not a lot of companies like to hire older people. John also went through what Joan’s ex-husband went thru. A temporary job here, laid off. And yes, we also stood in line at the local pantry. Even though I was working – our low income allowed us and forced us to seek help.

Now yes, Joan had two little kids – but there are a LOT of working mother out there – and even factoring in her stupid statement “leaving him would mean a life on welfare, as I had no marketable job skills” – is bullshit. You don’t need a PhD to work as a cashier in a grocery store.

When I was 18, I joined the workforce as a cashier at Twin Fair (sort of like Wal-Mart). Both my husbands had good paying jobs, then after being laid off – took jobs in stores. When the incident of her yelling at her daughter for stepping in dog poop occurred, they lived only about a mile from a large supermarket – which hired people on a part-time basis. There was no reason that Joan couldn’t have worked there for a few hours in the evening after her husband got home from work. People do it all the time! In 1971, when I worked at Twin Fair, I got off work at 6pm, and a friend of mine, Diane, started work at 6. She lived only a couple blocks away from the store. She would bring her kids to the store, and clock in. I would clock out, and take the kids home. By 7pm, Diane’s husband would get home from work, and I would get the bus home. Louis would get the kids in bed and Diane would get home shortly after 10pm. Diane missed out on reading bedtime stories for her kids – but this is what REAL LIFE is all about! Louis and Diane worked out a system where they both worked, because they had to have two incomes. And I got a little extra spending money for watching the kids for an hour here and there.

A marriage is a partnership, and is fluid. What agreements and systems that work one year, may fall apart the next year. Just because Joan and Colby had an agreement when they first got married, didn’t mean that agreement was to hold true for eternity. They both underestimated how much it was going to cost to raise a family. They were both irresponsible with money. Neither one put the needs of their children FIRST – with Joan constantly running off to adoption conferences, buying books on adoption, and Colby buying daggers etc. And running around to rock concerts instead of paying their electric bill!

And when Colby started “growing up” (albeit a little bit) and he repeatedly told Joan to also grow up and contribute to the marriage – she wouldn’t. She refused to become a Woman and a responsible mother and see to it that there was money in the house to take care of the kids. Instead, she resorted to thievery.

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2 Comments
  1. Excellent post Gert – and if people would DEEPLY read what Joan says – you will see – NOTHING IS HER FAULT! It’s always somebody else’s fault.
    She puts the blame on her economically challenged marriage squarely on her ex-husband. Yet, she was always for Women’s Rights. A feminist. She’s no such thing. A true Woman stands on her own two feet and does not rely on Prince Charming.
    Many people, MANY people told Joan over and over to get off her ass and get a job. She wouldn’t do it. Because she’s a spoiled lazy narcissist.

    “…(husband) became critical of me, frequently said I wasn’t working, yet we agreed before we married that I’d stay home with the children to give them a good foundation in life…”

    Okay, maybe they agreed to that when they first got married. But things change. When I first moved in with my first husband, I was already working. He was working in a steel. He got laid off. He took a job in a neighborhood delicatessen. When I first moved in with my second husband, we also went through the same things that Joan is whining about here…. “when he was out of work, it was I who stood in line for food pantries…” Joan paints a picture that she is the only one who had to go to a food pantry. In 1996, John and I bought our house off our landlord. Six months later, he was laid off. His unemployment payments did not equal what his paycheck had brought in. So I picked up extra hours at my job. John had trouble getting another job – he was over 50. Not a lot of companies like to hire older people. John also went through what Joan’s ex-husband went thru. A temporary job here, laid off. And yes, we also stood in line at the local pantry. Even though I was working – our low income allowed us and forced us to seek help.

    Now yes, Joan had two little kids – but there are a LOT of working mother out there – and even factoring in her stupid statement “leaving him would mean a life on welfare, as I had no marketable job skills” – is bullshit. You don’t need a PhD to work as a cashier in a grocery store.

    When I was 18, I joined the workforce as a cashier at Twin Fair (sort of like Wal-Mart). Both my husbands had good paying jobs, then after being laid off – took jobs in stores. When the incident of her yelling at her daughter for stepping in dog poop occurred, they lived only about a mile from a large supermarket – which hired people on a part-time basis. There was no reason that Joan couldn’t have worked there for a few hours in the evening after her husband got home from work. People do it all the time! In 1971, when I worked at Twin Fair, I got off work at 6pm, and a friend of mine, Diane, started work at 6. She lived only a couple blocks away from the store. She would bring her kids to the store, and clock in. I would clock out, and take the kids home. By 7pm, Diane’s husband would get home from work, and I would get the bus home. Louis would get the kids in bed and Diane would get home shortly after 10pm. Diane missed out on reading bedtime stories for her kids – but this is what REAL LIFE is all about! Louis and Diane worked out a system where they both worked, because they had to have two incomes. And I got a little extra spending money for watching the kids for an hour here and there.

    A marriage is a partnership, and is fluid. What agreements and systems that work one year, may fall apart the next year. Just because Joan and Colby had an agreement when they first got married, didn’t mean that agreement was to hold true for eternity. They both underestimated how much it was going to cost to raise a family. They were both irresponsible with money. Neither one put the needs of their children FIRST – with Joan constantly running off to adoption conferences, buying books on adoption, and Colby buying daggers etc. And running around to rock concerts instead of paying their electric bill!

    And when Colby started “growing up” (albeit a little bit) and he repeatedly told Joan to also grow up and contribute to the marriage – she wouldn’t. She refused to become a Woman and a responsible mother and see to it that there was money in the house to take care of the kids. Instead, she resorted to thievery.

  2. Reblogged this on Refuting a Book of Lies: Forbidden Family — and commented:

    come over to my blog and see much more about Joan

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