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Joan Wheeler gives her expert advise on loyalties between birth and adoptive parents.

by on October 5, 2013

I shall grant you that having two sets of parents might be a difficult situation, but…it shouldn’t lead to major emotional upheavals either. I had birth parents, foster parents, and 2 step-mothers and 2 sets of parents-in-law!

On the public forum for Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change we find that people have a ’emotion’ when attached to the words mom and dad and can’t seem to rectify things….poor things!

Now, besides my parents, Mom and Dad, I had first a step-mother who I was told to call mom. It was so long ago I don’t recall that I ever did or how I felt about it. I probably just avoided calling her anything. Then I had foster-parents and they told me to call them aunt and uncle, for they knew they were NOT my parents, just guardians. Then, after I became an adult I had a second step-mother. I always called her by her first name, but she knew that I saw her as a mom. I also had two mothers and fathers-in-laws and called them by their first names. So…did I have any major emotional upheavals? No. Did I have any loyalty issues? No.

Here we have two comments by Joan, aka 1adoptee, answering 2 separate quotes. REMEMBER Joan believes herself to be a great experienced ‘social worker’! But, she has NEVER held any paying job for being one!

After each, of Joan’s comments, I shall give my own comments.

Title: Re: Names
Post by: 1adoptee on December 01, 2010, 05:37:21 PM

Quote…I think the real issue for me is that I do want to call her that, but worry that if I do, I’m cheating on my a-parents somehow.

Try not to fall into the loyalty trap. Be realistic. If it weren’t for the two people who gave you life, you would not be here. They are your parents — Mom and Dad. Your adoptive parents raised you. The loyalty trap is in your mind and perhaps your parents’ minds. The split between natural and adoptive parents was created for you by the adoption system and you have the emotional and psychological burden of integrating them into your life. You don’t have to choose between your two sets of parents, nor do you have to feel you are cheating on your adoptive parents should you call your natural mother “Mom”. You love your adoptive parents and have compassion for them as they themselves struggle with your reunion and come to terms with what that means for them. You don’t love them any less and you stand a chance at developing love with your reunited natural parents in time.

I was found in 1974 at age 18. I was still in high school and the resulting trauma of suddenly being faced with the reality of having two families and two sets of parents was a huge burden placed upon me. Not only did I have to adjust (took me years) to my new roles, but I had to try to make peace with my adoptive parents. My adoptive mother was hysterical over the fact that I was found by siblings she did not ever want me to know. My adoptive father apologized for keeping the secret of siblings that they knew about and forcibly kept me from knowing. My adoptive Mom never did apologize.

Still, the night that I was found via a telephone call, I could not sleep (36 years of flashbacks caused by adoption). I knew I had to do something to make peace in my home. So I decided that I have “two sets of real parents”: I don’t have to choose between them as they are both real, they exist, and both sets are important to me. I called both fathers “Dad” and faced the one I was talking with even when the other was in the room. I visited my deceased Mother’s grave and grieved her loss. I continued to call my adoptive mother “Mom”. The one I struggled with was my father’s wife. She’s my step mother, so I called her by her first name sometimes and Mom other times.

I never called my natural father by his name to his face because that would insult him. He was married to my mother who died when I was three months old. Perhaps that circumstance made it easier for me to identify both my deceased mother and my alive father as who they are to me: mother and father AND Mom and Dad.

Perhaps adoptees who were born to unmarried parents feel differently. But I still think taking the realistic approach will be the logical and easiest way to deal with this. Calling your natural parents by their first names diminishes who they are to you. Acknowledging the true reality is the best course of action, IMHO. This reduces confusion for all the parents, but maybe not for you, the adoptee. Adoptees in reunion have a particular type of identity confusion. It is not in your head, it is real: read Nancy Verrier’s books. The Primal Wound is just the beginning. Coming to terms with the reality of having two sets of parents and two identities is discussed in Verrier’s Coming Home to Self.
****

Gert’s comments here:  Joan’s words are now in italic

Try not to fall into the loyalty trap. Be realistic…The loyalty trap is in your mind and perhaps your parents’ minds

Joan is just showing off her many years of experience! She doesn’t understand nor show loyalty let alone respecting where each set of parents were or had been when she was adopted. It’s all about Joan, always. Once she found her birth family…all bets were off…she went after the adoptive parents for not telling her and progressively she undermined and destroyed every relationship within the birth family, even insulting her birth father, to his face and in print.

The split between natural and adoptive parents was created for you by the adoption system and you have the emotional and psychological burden of integrating them into your life.

Here is her agenda! The adoption system…that is the problem, in her mind. She doesn’t want to accept the basic fact of what adoption is, she is it’s victim and therefore she has no responsibility to alter or change herself or her mind. Because she, and other adoptees, are victims of this system, their emotional/psychological problems are the result of a system and therefore they again are not responsible. This line of thinking is not only bullshit but very dangerous because these types go after other people by bullying them.

You love your adoptive parents and have compassion for them as they themselves struggle with your reunion and come to terms with what that means for them

Joan didn’t treat her adoptive parents this way, so who is she kidding? From the first moment of reunion, Joan argued and carried on calling her adoptive parents liars. She demanded apologies…to the very end of their days, she badged them, the adoptive father died early, the adoptive mother was in her 90s and Joan badged that woman to the very end. Joan never had one ounce of love and compassion for the people that raised her…only hatred.

the resulting trauma of suddenly being faced with the reality of having two families and two sets of parents was a huge burden placed upon me.

I don’t buy this! Joan knew she was adopted from an very early age and she started thinking about searching herself, so this is just a cop-out and/or a way to show off to others on a forum. If she didn’t have the mental maturity to handle the ‘knowing’ that was only due to the fact of her upbringing. Joan’s entire life, before she was found, apparently was full of trauma and abuse, for her to have such deep resentments to the adoptive parents. The adoptive mother was an over-bearing dominate possessive woman and the adoptive father was a closet alcoholic and a hoarder. They also were 10 years old than the natural parents which meant a wider-gap in the generational understandings.

My adoptive mother was hysterical over the fact that I was found by siblings she did not ever want me to know. My adoptive father apologized for keeping the secret of siblings that they knew about and forcibly kept me from knowing. My adoptive Mom never did apologize.

So these people had problems and Joan didn’t help any. She was and still is very immature. Joan’s reaction to being found was to attack the adoptive parents. Not once did Joan give a thought to why the adoptive mother was hysterical. The adoptive father ONLY apologized because that was how he dealt with the overbearing personalities of his wife and adoptive daughter who learned her negative behavior from her adoptive mother. And Joan hounded the adoptive mother to her dying day for an apology, which Joan never got! There is no need for an apology because someone ADOPTED YOU.

the night that I was found via a telephone call, I could not sleep (36 years of flashbacks caused by adoption).

Major, major misspeak here! This is a perfect example of how Joan’s inner life gets in the way of reality. She says that she could not sleep the night she got the phone call and says that ‘flashbacks’ occurs for 36 years! Sorry, Joan was only 18 years old at the time of that phone call! So how could she not sleep due to 36 years? How could she have had 36 years of flashbacks?

I never called my natural father by his name to his face because that would insult him

No, she didn’t do that but she insulted him in so many other ways, including to his face and writing about them in a lying libelous book! What a hypocrite Joan Wheeler is.

true reality is the best course of action, IMHO

No! She does not have any humble opinion, if she did she wouldn’t be speaking such a falsehood. Joan doesn’t know what true reality is. If a person does not agree with her she will become very unhumble.

Adoptees in reunion have a particular type of identity confusion. It is not in your head, it is real:

Perhaps, perhaps…but you know that, having a type of identity confusion, in itself, is NOT a reason to cause havoc in other people’s lives. There are many reason of this type of confusion and again it is not a reason for causing trouble within other people’s lives as Joan has done with everyone she comes in contact with.

Title: Re: Names
Post by: 1adoptee on December 01, 2010, 05:48:16 PM

Quote….I’m sure there’s also some fear of opening myself up to her in that way and possibly being abandoned again sprinkled in there, too.

Yes, that’s a real fear and real possibility. Seems like she’s been in and out of your life since 96 so if the relationship breaks down again, it will just fit the established pattern. Calling her Mom is a big step in acknowledging that she is your mother. You have two mothers. You don’t have a friend and an adoptive mother. Acknowledging reality is far better than side-stepping who she is to you. Take the leap. You are her daughter. You lived in her body for nine months. You were born from her. That’s real. She is a part of you. And you are a part of her.

***

Acknowledging reality is far better than side-stepping who she is to you.

Too bad Joan doesn’t acknowledge reality, or, personal boundaries. Well, the truth of whom Joan Wheeler really is has finally come out in the open. Everyone, on every side of the adoption issue, has now seen first hand the lies and manipulations that Joan has been doing and is capable of doing.

You lived in her body for nine months. You were born from her. That’s real. She is a part of you. And you are a part of her.

Ah, doesn’t that just tug at your heart! Joan Wheeler the master intimidator and bully…giving tender words and advise! Makes me want to puke. She never has given her birth siblings the same kind of words…no…all Joan ever did was condemn us when we told her to behave herself and stop causing us trouble. Joan Wheeler does not have any kind of loyalty to the birth family, or the adoptive family, if she did, she would NEVER have written that lying libelous book and the two hateful blogs against the birth family, nor have her one time boy-friend, Brian Maloney, create a hate-blog against us, women he has never met.

And he still, in Oct 2013, has it up! What does this guy GAIN by continuing to have a hate blog against us? Joan has already kicked Brian under the bus long ago, as she did with another; at least he had the brains to shut down his site against us. But Brian? No! The very fact that Brian has NOT removed his hate blog against us proves that he is just a manipulative abusive bully!

Now, Joan is currently ‘engaged’ to another. How long before that one bits the dust? Doesn’t matter to us, the guy will ‘knew’ the true Joan in due course.

In any event, as long as Brian Maloney continues to have that hate blog up against us…we shall continue to expose him.

end

kimberlyharding permalink

I really like the beginning where you outline your own journey with “parents”. You never really know the path another has walked.  YOu obviously have decided to handle your own experiences in a much different way.

Edit

  • Thanks…I lost my female parent when I was nine and my male parent was virtually not there. I and other siblings were raised by grandparents and ‘relatives’, then a step-mother, who had a mental illness and was hospitalized. Then I had foster parents when I was a ‘ward’ of the county! Some of my sibs were in a orphan-home and their guardians were ‘nuns’! I don’t ‘hate’ those that have been my guardians or parents…some people just can’t get over their hate.

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2 Comments
  1. I really like the beginning where you outline your own journey with “parents”. You never really know the path another has walked. YOu obviously have decided to handle your own experiences in a much different way.

    • Thanks…I lost my female parent when I was nine and my male parent was virtually not there. I and other siblings were raised by grandparents and ‘relatives’, then a step-mother, who had a mental illness and was hospitalized. Then I had foster parents when I was a ‘ward’ of the county! Some of my sibs were in a orphan-home and their guardians were ‘nuns’! I don’t ‘hate’ those that have been my guardians or parents…some people just can’t get over their hate.

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