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Truth! Joan Wheeler, and adoptive mother, wanted my father, the birth parent to support them! It’s in her book! and now it’s here!

by on January 3, 2014

When Joan starts to give her side of an adoption story, particularly her own, it is always a certainty that she is lying or exaggerating or leaving out a whole lot of the story. This post is an example of all three. This post also shows the speculative nature of Joan’s writing/telling of her story. Facts are NOT based on the thoughts of one’s mind.

Joan Wheeler broadcasts her every move! Why? Because she needs attention, particularly from the birth sisters! And when we comment on her lies, she screams harassment, stalking, bullying! What an ass she is. She FORGETS?? that she wrote a book where her words can and will be used against anything NEW she spews out. Sure the book was proven libelous and pulled from publication, but, she wrote it for revenge sake and as long as she spews out her lies and hate against the birth family we shall quote her own words right back at her. It has also become my opinion that Joan was abused as a young child, via someone in the adoptive family. Her written words, that I will be quoting here, give very strong hints as to that fact. I’ve long felt that her hatred against adoption is because she was abused. Her resentments towards the birth father and family reflect the same; but that is my stated opinion!

In the following, news story, that Joan ‘shared’ on public social media, it didn’t take me long to find her comment, for she used one of her aliases; kaykal and her ‘story line’ is Joan Wheeler all the way. Her comment seems innocent at first look, but if you know the story, you can spot the phoniness, the hypocrisy, the make-believe aspects. Her comment has no reasonable sense unless you KNOW what is going on in her mind; as we do. Here she is attempting to be ‘reasonable’ casting her words in ‘gentleness’ of her great wisdom on the topic! She is speaking about herself.

The link is provided, but I’m only showing here Joan’s, as Kaykal, comment and my own.

Then I will be quoting directly from Joan’s libelous book, Forbidden Family, so that everyone can see EXCATLY what Joan Wheeler and her adoptive mother believed and wanted from my father, the natural parent. And I ask again…why did Joan write that book?

Kaykal NYS

Adoptive parents have been telling me for years they adopted overseas on purpose: they just didn’t want “birth” parents involved. They consider the adoptee to be theirs, not one stich belonging to the other parents.

It is very important for healthy development of the adoptee to acknowledge the “other” set of parents. They exist. They are real. Even when they’re not visible. The adoptee carries them around embodied in herself. This cannot be denied. But our system of adoption denies reality, imposing identity confusion in the adoptee. Who are my real parents? ALL of them.

Keep in mind that the adoptee will remember that her adoptive mother was kind, not charitable, not putting down, but acted out of a type of love toward the natural parents of the daughter they share. The most important person in this equation is the toddler adoptee. She will not grow up hearing desparaging remarks against her parents of birth. Every sense of financial insecurity will be balanced. From what the writer states, she has experienced a divorce. So, the adoptive mother herself is close to financial despair. Tables may turn; this adoptive family may be homeless.

Every question of “whose child am I?” will be balanced. Afraid of kidnapping? Come on! There are laws against that. Adoption papers clearly state who has the legal rights to the child. That sad fact reverberates inside the hearts of the natural parents as they know what they have lost.  Dec. 29, 2013 at 10:56 a.m.

Gertmcqueen watertown ny

But what about the ‘adult’ adoptee in reunion who sees the ‘change’ in the both families? Adoptive family with financially insecurity, natural family financial secure; 40 years after the adoption. Should the birth family ‘take in’ or in any way ‘support’ the adoptive family? Hey the adopted parents did all the work, paid for everything and now natural parent gets all the benefits of reunion without any of the financial burdens; that judgment seems as if they feel they are ‘entitled’ to some back payments! Who OWNS their circumstances? Each individual does, at every stage in life. Dec. 30, 2013 at 2:24 p.m.

End of news story comments

In Joan’s book, Forbidden Family, Chapter 38, pages 482 to 566, that’s 84 pages long, is titled, Unequal Treatment of a 1 half-orphan out of 36 resulted in a traumatic life outcome. A Social Work Assessment. This long unnecessary chapter was written from April – July 2009. I know because she states so in the book! This was JUST before she sent the final draft to the publisher; book was published November 2010. So, in the end, in this chapter, she took her final revenge. I had started to write about this chapter some time ago, but it is contains so much that is hateful and disgusting that I have not been able to get back to it. What I have written on it can be found on Ruth’s blog and this post.

In her book of lies, called Forbidden Family, Joan Wheeler’s statements about my father, are false! February 14, 2011

This is a very sick chapter! It is so sick I feel ILL just having to read it to type quotes from it. No wonder, when my father, read a draft of it, he was angered and insulted. He then, washed his hands of Joan, changed his written wishes regarding her. He was done with her. I wish that she would just disappear so the rest of the birth family can be done with her. But since she refuses to stop…we shall continue to expose her…in this case, by using her own words.

In one of the many subtitles within this chapter is this one… ‘Care-Giver’s Burn-Out leads to realizations’. Wherein she outlines her and her adopted mother’s views on how and why my father ought to ‘support’ them. And keep in mind that what she writes, believes and relates, ARE NOT based on real facts, just her and her adoptive mother’s perspective and viewpoints. These words, of Joan’s, SHOW the core of her illogic. They show why she is so dangerous to the movement of adoption reform, for it is not based on facts but on her subjective mind fugues!

Pg 553 ‘In the spring of 2008 as I drove Dad home from one of his doctor appointments, he uttered two distinct comments. ‘I saved hundreds of thousands of dollars during my lifetime by not owning a car and my other children work.’ I was stunned. Did he de-value me because I did not work? Did he value me because I drove him places? …upon hearing these comments, I realized he had distorted impressions of me. Did he think that I sit home all day doing nothing? He was not as demanding as he was unaware.’

Pg 554 ‘why did his comments bother me?…I felt used…Dad paid for gas and lunch but it was not enough. I had been feeling honored to help him in his advancing years, but no longer… Dad had other adult children who could help…Mom (adoptive mother)…only had me.’

‘My father voiced his strong opinion that I should move out of my house so I would not live with so much tension…His solution was to put my mother in a nursing home. Tenants were moving out and I could move in – to the apartment directly above him….he was afraid of dying…a nursing home would mean the house would be sold and my college-age daughter and I would then face homelessness. Living above my father would put me in the position I am in now with Mom, available because I live with her.’

‘My car broke…needed $2,000 of repairs…asked my father to help pay…he refused…didn’t realize that his refusal caused arguing between my mother and me…she yelled ‘we did all the work, your father (adoptive) and I and paid for the upkeep of HIS child. Did he ever think of that? He gave you up for adoption because he could not afford to take care of you. We took care of you. Now the tables are turned. In my advanced age, living on a fixed income, I look back and see that he had the benefit of a working wife for 30-some years! I had to quit my job to stay home with you – HIS child…you cannot work because of your declining health, yet he wants us to foot the bill for his transportation.’

Pg 555 ‘She was right. My adoptive parents not only did all the work, but my adoptive father paid the expenses of raising me, yet my natural father enjoyed the benefits of reunion with his adult daughter. I now could see how Mom could resent him….Such is the nature of adoption…natural parent relinquishes the child so he…could go on to lead a better life, while the adoptive parents presumably are financially more secure…adoptee in the middle…this could be the source of the question of loyalty – money…to whom is the adoptee indebted?…yes this is the origin of society’s stigma against an adoptee who searches for, or reunites with her parents of birth….my thesaurus tells me another word for ‘indebted’ is ‘grateful’…

‘For the first time in my life, I realized what it felt like to be that adoptee who was traded in so that the natural parent could be free to make a better life. In these past 35 years I could not understand how a parent can be better off without…child…is money really the driving force behind relinquishment and adoption? Despite knowing the struggles my father faced at the time of my relinquishment, I now felt like chattel. Losing me was his gain. Today, he is now more financially secure than my mother is…more financially secure than I ever will be.

‘He also does not see anyone else’s perspective but his own…that people who have less deserve less because they lack personal responsibility to take care of themselves. How he arrived at this conclusion is beyond me…he was dirt poor when he married my mother…

Pg 556 ‘ since 1974 I considered both sets of parents equal in importance…now, Mom and I juggle bills with our low incomes…out of necessity I had to back away from my natural father until I could gain some emotional equilibrium…don’t want to move into an apartment, I live in the house in which I grew up…this is where I brought my children to live after my divorce. My mother lives here…has right to live in her house…of 53 years.

‘Feb of 2009 we had a carbon monoxide leak…Mom fought with me that I was imagining things…her argumentative nature caused me to hid in my room, crying each time I tried to do something right…to others she was sweet…to me she was like this ever since I was a toddler, which means these traits existed long before I was adopted. In April when I thought I could take no more, I became very sick. Fearing colon cancer…I called my father…to my therapist…I said, I want to be the professional I went to college to be…

Pg 557 ‘…I felt as though I had been selling myself out all these years. What I needed to say in this book, I was not saying…writing non-stop for weeks as this assessment took shape…called my father…but he was miffed when I said I did not have a working car. I knew his assumption; she’s got a car so she goes out. Not true…through deep financial sacrifice and one more debt against the mortgage of this house, Mom bought a cheap new used car…she asked how long it had been since I seen my father. One year, I said.

‘I arranged to see my father and step-mother. As long as we sat face to face and talked, they were fine. Then, Dad shuffled me off to the spare room so we could be alone. He did this to keep his wife from knowing what we discussed…I re-enforced what he and I said over the phone that I wanted him to understand what people did to him and to me behind our backs…I did not blame him…he wanted to read this assessment…10 days later, it was a different story.

Pg 558 ‘rather than discussing, Dad latched on to his own perceptions, believing I intended to cause him pain. Keeping true to his yell first and don’t bother to ask questions attitude, which caused so many problems in the past…my natural father accused me of disrespecting him and his religion. Instead of grasping the point that I emphasized…he believed I must not care about him because he is Christian. He then tried to force his religion beliefs upon me…

‘because I criticize the Polish community within which I was raised my father also assumed that I lumped him and his family into that cultural group. He is wrong…he now missed the point…he feels that certain aspects of this assessment portray him in a bad light. He is hurt, but what he expressed to me was his anger…it hurts to realize that he put his trust into my adoptive parents and they let him down…instead of seeing the larger picture, he attacked me.

Pg 559-560 ‘from the hard work of personal self-reflection is to own up to the wrings I have done, to make amends, and strive to be a better person…parents need to be able to listen to their children, accept what their children say to them about the mistakes they made as parents, and make amends. I’ve tried to communicate these points with my adoptive mother and my natural father…so that they have a better understanding of themselves, of me…of the societal forces and religious forces that corrupted our lives.

‘…my father’s controlling behavior resulted in my step-mother not having access to what I wrote…how they perceive me is up to them. When I went to their home to retrieve this assessment, Dad yelled at me. He kicked me out of his, again, by grabbing my shoulders and leading me out of the door. Because of his assumptions and my frustrations that he jumped to conclusions, we yelled at each other. So be it. That is the last time. I am done.

‘My only regret is that the very people who need to understand don’t.’

End of quotes from Joan’s book!

Each and every time I read these pages I get physically ILL, sick to my stomach! It is full of NON-truths and speculative thinking, from the mind of a sick person! Joan never puts in the truth of any event! She did not put in these pages that I quoted how she demanded that my father pay for the publication of the book or how her attempts to browbeat and argue with him caused him to kick her out. Time and time again, Joan has been told by many…STOP and she won’t, she must have the last word! No more!

Joan’s book, and every time she writes, causes great harm to many people. She does a grave dis-service to the honor of both the adoptive parents and the birth parents and each individual in the families. If Joan Wheeler hates her life she does NOT have the right to destroy other people’s lives. She makes me ill!

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