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Seeking enlightenment that may not exist; Joan M Wheeler’s (duped by adoption) browbeating and insanity at its best!

by on June 1, 2016

This post is really long because, to understand it, there is no way out of presenting all the ‘drama’! It is an interesting look at how Joan’s anger and hatred are NOT compatible with how a SOCIAL WORKER ought to be. Joan can NOT be impersonal and help another. A ‘degree’ in social work does NOT equal being a good social worker.

This post is from 2010 when her first book was just a year out. It was pulled from publication due to libelous materials within, by the publisher, in 2011. In 2015, she ‘self-published’ it again with addition libelous materials. See end of this post for updated LINKS to see more about that.

I’m presenting Joan’s comments BEFORE the long post from a person asking for some advise. This was on the Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change. I captured it long ago, only now getting to it and have no way of knowing if the post can be accessed; doesn’t matter for it’s HERE.

The ‘thread’ was in November 2010 where a ‘grandma’ asked the ‘adult adoptees’ their opinions on her situation. Those that answered ‘grandma‘ are a Molly Bloom, Mara, and 1adoptee (Joan Wheeler). You will see, via the times posted, which I present below, how 1adoptee just worked herself up and up, into a tissie, over night and into the next day! And as she does, she shows the world just what kind of a social worker she is.

November 13, 2010, 06:38:06 PM

November 13, 2010, 07:18:35 PM

November 14, 2010, 01:01:33 AM

November 14, 2010, 01:22:58 AM

November 14, 2010, 09:53:49 AM

November 14, 2010, 03:24:21 PM

Joan’s a mad dog unwilling to let go of her precious BONE! Joan’s use of sarcasm doesn’t really work, mainly because she is so mad that she confuses her ‘madness’ with being sarcastic! She writes what’s in her head, which is not based on any conversational protocol, so it comes out all wrong, insulting and confusing.

Remember this grandma is looking for some ‘enlightenment’ on some important issues. Unfortunately all this well-meaning grandmother got was bullshit and more heartache. Molly Brown’s comment seems to be tempered but Mara’s just sets the stage for 1adoptee to let all her hate and anger out! The dynamic couple those two are! All misspelling are Joan’s, she’s so mad that she doesn’t take ‘care’ to present her argument with any proofreading.

I will highlight certain statements of Joan (1adoptee), to show how she ‘helps’ this person, by placing them in bold.

Here are the responses to grandma…

Molly Bloom said:

That child will be better off with family. Period. You’re wise to seek out the advice of those who have lived through this. I don’t care what the circumstances are, the child needs a connection to biology, especially if the child ends up with any health issues. You didn’t say how far along your daughter is. At some point, I would suggest you slip her a copy of The Primal Wound. If that book doesn’t have some kind of impact, then nothing will. And if she is in the early stages of pregnancy, perhaps she hasn’t let the whole thing become a reality yet. It would be hard as a child to be raised by grandparents. However, when that child looks into the loving eyes of a family member, it will be much better than looking into the eyes that do not reflect it’s heritage, genetics and biology. Life is hard, but biological love is precious. I’m sure others here will give you their opinions as well. I had wonderful adoptive parents, but for all that, I had a stellar lack in my life. If she continues talking to these potential adopters, and she is unmoveable, she needs to focus on the mother. I would suggest she push this woman’s buttons and see what happens. Very often, the adoptive mothers are adopting for their own needs, not for the need of the child. I would try to see what this woman is really made up of.

Mara said:

Have your daughter come HERE and ask us. We’ll tell her exactly what she doesn’t want to hear. She is making the worst mistake of her life and her baby’s life. :bitebullet: She should also visit “First Mother Forum” and “Family Preservation” websites to hear from first-mom’s on the REALITY of surrendering a child for adoption and the toll it takes on Moms and US. (Even waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the future when her baby has grown into an adult.) Does she know her baby’s birth certificate will be sealed FOREVER? :xplode:

and now Joan Wheeler, 1adoptee, says….

Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 13, 2010, 06:38:06 PM

Mara’s mention of the sealed birth certificate needs some expansion. Do you and your daughter know that once a child is adopted that her birth certificate is sealed and a new one is issued to replace it? That means: the real birth certifcate is placed under governement seal and a new, amended, falsified birth certificate is issued with the child’s new name and new parents are named giving the impression that the chid was born to the parents.

Do you understand that adoption means that the relinquished child will forever have a changed identity? And that the mother who actuall gave birthh will not be recognized as the child’s true mother? The motheher giving birth will not receive a birth certifcate for the child she just gave birth to — ever. The father of the child will not receive a copy of his child’s birth certificate and he will not be the child’s legal father, with or wihtout a paternity test — ever. The natural family ceases to exist once a baby is relinquished and then adopted. However, the child may be raised in foster care, in which case, if never adopted, but only relinquished, the natural parents do not have legal rights to their child, but the child’s right to the true birth certifcate remains intact. And no legal name change is done.

Speaking as an adoptee who has my original birth certificate (because it was made part of the exchange – given to my adoptive parents when they got me) I can tell you that that is quite a shock: to see your name and birth and to see the falsified birth certifcate side by side. Don’t do it.Identity confusion is not worth the “benefits” of being adopted. And I don’t think there are benefits to being adotped either. If it did think that adoption was a special happy alternative, I would not be here at this board.

Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 13, 2010, 07:18:35 PM

I’m mad as hell and can’t take it anymore! Since when do all the problems you bring up (because your daughter isn’t using her wise mind) make it alright to get rid of her baby? Sellfish idea, totally selfish. A mother is a mother. Deal with it. Tell her to deal with it. Be responsible. She’s pregnant. Many women are paniced when pregnant. Open adoption does not work. There will be no such thing because the verbal contract is just that – verbal. It is not a guarenteed legal arrangement for visitation at all. And adoptees from these types of arrangements do feel given away anyway. Abandonment is there, period. The adoptee gets the short end of the stick in all adoptions. Period. Even the blissfully happy adoptees are brainwashed to beleive they are happy.

You adopt your grandchild? Talk about fucking with the kid’s head…My grandma is my mother and my mother is my sister. …and then the birth certificate issue again… If anything at all, temporarily place the newborn in a legal guardianship with you or someone in the family. Legal guardianship will not result in the child’s birth certificate being sealed and falsified and all family relationships will be legally honored and visitation can be legally enforced.

Biological inherited problems: Deal with them. That’s called life. My daughter was becoming a dwarf in early childhood. I did not give her away because of that. I took her to a doctor and now she is a normal height young adult because she takes hormones every day for the rest of her life. Coping with inherited conditions is what responsible parents do all the time. It causes hardships and drains the family, but we don’t run from our problems by getting rid of the kid with those medical and mental health issues.

If your daughter enters into labor by refusing to see and hold her own child, she will experience birthing problems and the child could go into distress and die. And, the delivering mother could die from the stress. Nurses will be there and help her. Birthing is a natural experience and she will feel better seeing and touching her baby. Her breasts will have milk and the natural process will not stop. After birth contractions are painful. Your daughter has a lot to prepare for, giving up her baby is not going to give her relief from the agony she is buildinng up in her head. Give her a book with pictures of her unborn baby and she will see the beauty that is developing inside her. Nine months should be cherished. Some day she will regret not taking the time to love and feel her baby now.

Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 01:01:33 AM

I come from a closed adoption, but have done advocacy here in my community. Twenty years ago I was at a tabeling event for adoption information, bringing info on an adoptees’ support group. I attended a session given by an attorney who was telling pre-adoptive parents how to advertise to adopt a pregnant girl’s baby. Fast-forward to today. That attorney now works for an open adoption agency in an upscale neighborhood. She talks pregnat girls out of their babies for a living. Yes,, the agency prides itself on being an open adoption agency. They might give you all the “statistics” you want. Also, I know from other people who have counseled these pregnant girls that these girls go back numerouos times to relinquish their next baby and their baby after that one…to open adoption because it is much easier to get rid of their baby than to actually rasise the kid themselves. All ahppy-happy-horseshit-happy, until one day these childless mothers wake up to realize that someone else is their child’s mother and they fell for the bullshit. Pictures anyone? Let’s just call her Jane or Auntie Jane, Mommie is right here, now go home Jane.

A friend of mine relinquished her daughter to an open adoption in Florida. The adoptive parents played nice for the first few months, then they ran, They moved, changed their phone number, and my friend never saw her daughter again. The girl is now about 15 years old. My friend has secondary infertility, a medicall condition in which a woman can not get pregnant after the birth of child that was relinquished. The body shut down due to grief. My friend terminated our friendship because I am an adotpee and she can’t be near me because of the reminders of her lost child.

Here’s the info: happy dialing! I’m in the Buffalo, New York area, so Williamsville is just up the street. Call and talk to Flory because she’s the one who talks pregnant girls out of their babies. She’s been doing it for decades and is a real pro — proud to do it!

And yes, they even have happy adoptees on staff! Happy to be adopted and happy to be involved in separating natural families for a living! Zack Fried is the adopted son of Michelle Fried, both are employees. (see the staff page) Christian Eshelman is a bi-racial adoptee who is also on staff. (see the contract staff page) Adoption Star A non-profit child placing agency (Attorney: Flory Herman) 47 Plaza Drive Williamsville, New York 14221 Phone: 716-639-3900 Fax: 716-639-3700 1040 Bayview Drive, Suite 318 Fort Lauderdale, FL 33304 Phone: 954-566-6055 Fax: 954-566-6255 11918 Foxgate Way Cincinnati, OH 45140 Phone: 513-631-6590 You may also reach Adoption S.T.A.R. at these numbers: Toll-Free for birth parents and birth parent referrals only: 1-866-691-3300</STRONG 716-639-3900 * 954-566-6055 585-672-5227 * 917-470-9340 518-391-2515 * 315-703-7511 607-330-2158 * 845-457-4883 513-631-6590 * 216-201-9177 305-433-8531

Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 01:22:58 AM

PS – they don’t like me very much at Adoption Star, so don’t say I referred you!

But hey, they’ll talk up the good aspects of open adoption, but they will not tell you what we’ve told you because they do not want to hear the truth by the victims of what they do.

Keep in mind that every adoption produces a child with a sealed birth certificate and a falsified birth certifcate. Intentional separation of a mother from her baby for the business of adoption is purely evil, in my opinion. The destruction of the birth certificate and creation of a new one signifies ownership of that adoptee. And creates life-long identity confusion and pain for the adoptee. No one in the adoption business will admit to that.

Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 09:53:49 AM

No matter how sincere an adoptive parent is about keeping the records open, by law, the birth records and the aadoption records are sealed shut and a new, falsified birth certifcate is produced for each and every adoptee in America. This happens even in open records states that never closed their records. Do you understand?

Evene when the records are open and free for inspection, an adoptee is always subjected to a new and falsified birth certifciate. There are varying degrees of openness for adoption records, but most of the court documents are automatically sealed and cannot be opened. open adoption, even the best ones, do not prevent the adoptee from being taken legally from one identity to another and with false birth certificate to prove that she or he was born to two parents who actually are parents by legal adoption.

If your daughter goes ahead with an open adoption thinking that is the best plan of action, she is still causing damage to her child because of the birth certificate and adoption record issues. No, adoptive parents cannot keep the records open. The laws govern these proceses and no amount of pleading to keep records open or not to change the name will do anything. The fact remains: we must change the laws to protect all adoptees. Australia has dramatically decreased the number of adoptions per year. It used to be in the hundreds of thousands, like America, but now only about 40 adoptions in the entire country of Australia are done. WHy? Because they recognize the valuable relationship between a mother and her child and the birthright of every child.

We don’t care in America. The first thing that is thought of when there is a frightened pregnant girl is “I can just give this baby awssay” and go back to leading my life. Wrong. We are such an adoption-centered culture tht the ramifications of adoption rarely get air time.

All the emotional and legal issues must be considered, especially the identity changes for the adoptee. That is child abuse at it’s worst. Changing the name and parents of a child changes the psychie of that child. An adoptee lives with this deep inside and feels it, is set apart from everyone else, is ridiculed for being adopted. Ever here anyone cuss out bastaards? Well, adoptees hear that and internalize the cussing. That is why the new birth certificate was invented to give the adoptee a new start in life with two new parents and the old bastard self is washed away via being born again through adoption. That was the belief back in 1930, but we are living proof that did not work.

Temporary legal guardianship will give the child a stable home to live in while the parents get their act together. Legal guardianship will keep the birth certificate intact and keep all relationships intact and will give legal visitation and enforce visittion as well. There is no need to give away parental rights in an open adoption when there is a better solution: guardianship.. Keep the baby in your family so that when your daughter can pull her self together, the baby will still be there. And, from the baby’s point of view, Mommie will still be there. Maybe Daddy, too.

Title: Re: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Post by: 1adoptee on November 14, 2010, 03:24:21 PM

Quote: Your grandbaby is lucky to have such a loving grandma. Yes!

The attorney I named in a post earlier was terribly mean to the unmarried natural parents of a baby brought over from Pennsylvania into New York State by her. She procured the baby immediately after birth and fought all the way for several years iin court. The baby’s grandmother fought with everything she had to keep the baby with her daughter, the child’s natural mother, but the attorney won. The baby was adopted by a wealthier couple just a few miles from me. Myself and a few others from our adoption support group (doesn’t exist anymore) fought in court and testified on behalf for the baby and the natural parents. We lost. Baby brokers won. But that grandmother had the guts that you have! Kuddos to you!!! :grlclap:

end of rant…


Title: Seeking enlightenment that may not exist Nov, 2010 Grandma:

I’m a non-adoptee – I joined because I want to ask people who’ve lived this situation for their input. I hope that’s okay. And I hope you’ll pardon the really long post. Thanks.

My daughter is pregnant – she and boyfriend used BC, tried to be responsible, but this determined-to-be alive little person is now growing inside of her (really, really long odds on this one). She’s terrified, angry, and I think working really hard to repress any of the positive emotions, like awe, joy, and love for this baby. Now and then I see them surface, but lately she won’t even allow herself to admit them. She resents that nature and biology are taking over her body and her life and changing everything. (No I don’t expect you all to feel sorry for her – just saying – she’s on an emotional roller coaster.)

She said she planned to place her child for an open adoption, be a visitor in his life, be honest with him from the start about his adoption. I wasn’t happy to hear my first grandbaby might be “given away,” but legally, I get no say in this. However, I started reading about adoption law, and the experiences of adoptees, and became more and more distressed.

Her dad and I have offered her financial and all other necessary support if she chooses to keep this baby, and I have offered to adopt him myself, and her dad to pay child support to help me (we aren’t together). Her step dad is less enthused about this, and she knows that, and it’s a problem. He’s told her he would promise to be the best dad he could, but he won’t lie and say he’s just crazy about taking on the raising of an infant at 50-something.

She thinks that finding a couple who has wanted a baby for years and is totally prepared to adopt is a better option. She insists she doesn’t want to be a mother, and says she’d feel she was burdening us, being irresponsible for dumping her baby on her parents, ruining our lives, threatening our healths, and says that friends who were raised by their grandparents have expressed more unhappiness with this than friends she knows who were adopted by non-biological parents. She’s afraid having the baby in the family would make it hard for her to be around her family, or being around the baby would make her want to stay and be his mother after all (which she’s determined not to want, even if she wants it).

Does anyone get adopted by truly loving people who adopt because they want to love a child, raise it as their own, and then really do just that? Do some adoptees have positive experiences from this? Would it be more likely to be a good thing if the adoption is open, and the birthmother visits and is there to try to explain her reasons? If the extended biological family is there saying “We love you and wanted you and are here for you, always, so you have both your adopted parents AND all of us.”?

Given that the law doesn’t protect the agreement to keep the adoption open, what are the chances really of this continuing? Anyone know any valid sources of data on how many adoptive parents honor those non-binding agreements? The couple she’s been considering seems stable. They have strong family ties that go several generations back in the community, they have good educations, are financially stable, and have chosen to seek an open adoption deliberately, since current thinking is that this is better for the child. They seem like really nice folks. Of course, we don’t know them. At all. My daughter says she has really good intuition and will get to know them before deciding. I pointed out I wouldn’t ever consider marrying someone I’d known only 4-5 months, and I’m an adult who can fend for myself.

I’m trying to get her to consider all the possibilities and options. She sees this as criticism of her well-thought out and well-intentioned plan, and pressure to do something that does not feel as intuitively and logically right to her. I’m trying to ask her to think critically and not trust too much in strangers (especially those who really want something from her, or stand to make $10’s of thousands of dollars from her signing relinquishment papers). She thinks I have trust issues. I tell her I have life experience. I want her to think about not just what she wants right now, but what she and this child will want/need in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. She wants me to back off, shut up, quit creating doubt and fear, and just be supportive of her choice.

I think part of her reasoning is coming from fear that her boyfriend will be very unhappy and/or leave her if she keeps the baby, or even allows it to stay in her family (where it seems to pose more of a threat of becoming a permanent part of her/their lives). I think this is one of the worst reasons a woman can have for making this decision – and it’s possibly one of the most frequent reasons women make this choice. I’ve tried telling her that the bond with her child will be the one that lasts a lifetime – the romantic ones are more likely to come and go. This isn’t something she wants to hear.

I’m still thinking that the reality of this child may change her mind. She’s already planning how to protect herself against allowing that to happen – saying she may refuse to hold the baby, or breast feed it, or be in the room with it after it’s born. I favor allowing herself to REALLY take the chance – hold it, feed it, sleep next to it. KNOW what it is she’s giving up before deciding what she really wants to do, and not allow fear to direct her to make the choice out of deliberately self-imposed ignorance.

Given that I have no legal rights, and only the option of offering my advice and opinions IF I don’t alienate my daughter to the extent that she won’t see or speak to me: Do I shut up, back off, and allow it all to unfold as it will? Keep trying, and hope she hears me and doesn’t feel unsupported, judged, and shut me out? I want her to know I and her family love her and will continue, always, to love her. I want her not to break her own, her child’s, and her extended family’s hearts. I lack a crystal ball and the ability to see how each choice she could make will turn out. For all I know, she’s right, and the child’s best and happiest life is with this yearning couple with the nice house and nursery all planned out, and they’ll welcome us into their lives and we’ll all live happily ever after. WTF do I know? How do I find out? My daughter had some diagnoses of neurologic issues (Tourette’s, ADD, dysgraphia, and “rages”). She’s learned to deal with all these and does pretty well — most people she meets would not guess at any of this. The most problematic seem to be the ADD and dysgraphia – makes it really hard to do well in school and to get/hold jobs. She has chosen not to request accommodations and be “labeled” now that she’s at an age to make that decision for herself. Her boyfriend has autoimmune issues that drastically affect his diet, and these were/are(?) life-threatening. I believe he’s still on medication for this, and if so, I know it’s quite expensive. These traits could be inherited, though they won’t necessarily be. Both parents have above-average intelligence. I’m not objective, but I know what her IQ scores were, and I’ve talked with him and his parents – really, they’re incredibly bright, and generally kind, empathetic, good kids, creative people. These facts contribute to their desire NOT to have procreated. They didn’t want to share their genetic material with offspring. They were planning not to. And these contribute to my daughter’s doubts about her fitness to parent. If the child inherits neuro or autoimmune disorders, though, and is a “special needs” child, how will that impact an adoptive parent’s ability to accept, provide for, and love this child? I know special needs kids are more often victims of abuse than “mainstream” kids. Any idea how much greater the risk is with adoption? Maybe more unanswerable: Assuming the child inherits some of these – is it better to be raised by someone who also has these genetic issues (and is familiar with them, sensitive to them, understands the reality of them) or someone who doesn’t have them, but has been told all about them? Might someone without those issues themselves provide a more stable environment? If the child is born without any of these issues, then … same questions. Better to be raised by parents who also don’t have those issues? Or better to stay with mom/dad or biologic family? Is biologic extended family necessarily better or worse than non-related adoptive parents? Thanks in advance for your insights. “Grandma”


UPDATE, JUNE 2016, links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler says about me and family. After the first book was pulled from publication by the publisher, May 2011, she has ‘self-published’ another ‘revised’ version. In this ‘version’ called ‘duped by adoption’ she has increased her exploitation by including PICTURES and REAL NAMES and much more personal information violating again the families. Joan has no decency NOR shame. There is NOTHING in this book for adoption reform. She is totally against adoption and her two families. To learn more see…


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