abuser, adoption is slavery, adoption reform, adoption reunions, anonymous computer exchanges, being downright nasty, being on the outer fringes of reality, birth/adoptive families, blaming people for your own mess, blind to reality, browbeating, browbeating people over adoption, browbeating to get your own way, change your life, confrontations with Joan Wheeler, crazy nut case, cyberbullying, doing the right thing, Forbidden Family a book of lies, how not to act as a social worker, insulting, intimidation, narcissistic, sins of omission and suppress of one's own misdeeds
Joan M Wheeler hasn’t a clue, and doesn’t care, what the world thinks about her and her agenda! She must have her say!
It’s really embarrassing, and at times, HARD TO WATCH, as she keeps on ‘digging in’ where she ought to just lay down and hide in the sands! Is she really that stupid NOT TO SEE what others are saying about her? Is she that BLIND to what is being said to her, over and over again, and NOT BY BIRTH SIBLINGS! When will this idiot SHUT UP? Never, of course!
Speaking ‘as a reader’, reading the comments, of Joan’s and others, I FELT the humiliation that Joan OUGHT to feel but doesn’t! She is totally unaware of how she is coming across! She comes across as a totally out-there nut-job on the outer fringes! When faced with an opposing view she attacks and when called out on it…well she attacks again. This is no way to gain support for one’s agendas! But she doesn’t care! She is right, the entire world is wrong! And, she will NOT be denied her say! I have blogged about this over and over again and will continue to do so.
The following is from June 2015…just after Joan’s NEW revised book was made available. In fact, I purchased it on June 12, 2015, just DAYS after I wrote a comment here! Joan will NEVER be anything but what she IS, a crazy nut job…SHE is the only one that doesn’t know it!
I can’t image her EVER being a speaker for she CAN’T hold it together in anonymous computer exchanges! In person she’d probably be dragged away, as she screams and kicks!
The contents of the news story can speak for itself; the link is…
I may have ‘missed’ a full comment, here and there, and certainly didn’t capture all of them. The intent here is to SHOW Joan at her BEST. There was a commenter named Bella Tweeter, but apparently her comments were removed, by reading the comments I’m assuming she was more radical than Joan.
I also have kept Joan’s Facebook ‘description’ ‘Owner-operator at Self-Employed’ on each of her comments, because it also shows her NEED to appear superior to others! Remember, she’s on permanent disability and believes she can earn big bucks selling fabricated stories about other peoples’ lives…like mine and the rest of my family!
Now to begin…at some point in reading the comments I decided to write a comment. I could have written another, but, as you will read, there’s no point! I start out with MY comment…
It should be known that Joan Mary Wheeler is an ‘adoption abolitionist’, she is totally anti-adoption. In other words, there is NO NEED for adoption, for any reason, period, end of story, don’t attempt to argue any reasonable argument, she will ALWAYS find fault with adoption! I should know for she went after me for ADOPTING.
You know the saying??? You cannot have a reasonable dialogue with a drunk, nor a mentally impaired person, nor someone who is so convinced of their position that they are BLIND to reality!
We see her ‘side-stepping and kissing a…’ around those that are anti-adoption but ARE NOT as extreme in their positions as Joan is…( With all due respect Sandy, I know you mean well… I’m not mad at you, Sandy. I simply felt like responding and explaining so that others could see that adoption is never a good choice.) Who does she (Joan) thinks she kidding? Joan has a hatred of fire that will never be put out!
Joan also says… Adoption is very damaging. It is never done “correctly.” There is always loss to deal with.
I agree!!…but adoption is NOT the enemy! There are many many rightful needs FOR ADOPTION. I adopted, but Joan didn’t like that! Need I tell why?
Joan asks…Why was I let go? Why wasn’t I kept?
Because there was NO ONE in the family that could take her! Period! Father’s second wife REFUSED her, as infant, there were six others, father had to make (Joan) psychologically dead in his mind to ‘let her go’. Guardianship DOES NOT work. And believe me, Joan would not have liked the life the rest of us had! Check my blog on wordpress for further information. · Jun 6, 2015 10:53pm
Bella Tweeter how about worrying about taking that gigantic chip off of your shoulder, it seems to be quite worrisome for you. Jun 8, 2015 10:03am
Sonia, how about YOU give up your kids, never see them again, and a stranger is then declared by legal decree that she is their mother by birth on a new birth certificate? You might change your tune if you lost your child that you never wanted to give up but were coerced into doing it because you lacked supports to keep your child. Jun 8, 2015 1:40pm · Edited
Joan, joan, joan… why would Sonia do that? After all, she’s a good mother. She’s not one of ‘those’ mothers… who give up their kids by choice and never look back. The scary thing is that she claims to be a social worker!!! See, even educated people can have very uneducated positions when it doesn’t suit their purpose. · Jun 9, 2015 1:00am
Sonia – I have big news for you: mothers and fathers who relinquish their babies to adoption do so because there are no other choices. And, many babies are stolen at birth. I have 41 years years experience in adoption reform. Very well educated. It is you all who are not educated into all of the complexities of adoption. You paint all relinquishing mothers as bad mothers. They are not. You are very ignorant. As a social worker, you could very well, indeed, be trained to take babies away from their mothers and fathers. I know your kind. I am the other kind of social worker: one who fosters strengthening the family unit, setting goals in family preservation, rather than in permanently separating families by adoption. · Jun 10, 2015 11:49am · Edited
Or, perhaps there should be more assistance available to these young mothers so that their backs are NOT against the wall, poverty is NOT their only outcome and desperation is NOT the push that forces them to be nothing more than vessels for breeding for others. No, this choice should NOT be made more often. It should be made even less often than it is and should only be for the most dire of circumstances, when there are no other options such as death or heinous abuse. Adoption was never intended to be a way for infertile women to find a baby to satisfy their need, but a home for orphan children to find a loving home. Society has morphed the intent out of all recognition with a business model and a plan! Jun 6, 2015 1:39pm
Sandy Young With all due respect Sandy, I know you mean well, but full orphans do not need adoption. Full orphans (with both parents dead) and half orphans (with only one parent dead) do have other family. They are not born in a vacuum. As you know (!) kinship care and then guardianship are far better choices than adoption. Even adoption by, say, an older sibling, an aunt, or a grandparent is not advisable. When relatives adopt the child of a relative, family relations change legally. Grandmother becomes mother, aunts and uncles become sisters and brothers to the adoptee.
When guardianship is chosen, the child retains their name at birth, their place in the family of birth, and visitation is guided by the courts for the best interest of the child. None of that exists in adoption. In adoption, in order to have a family, the adoptee must surrender their natural born identity. The parents by adoption are named on a new birth certificate as if they sired and gave birth to the adoptee. This is an outright lie.
I am a half orphan. My mother died when I was three months old. I had a family. I did not need a new one. Adoption displaced me from one and resettled me into another. My actual birth certificate is sealed forever. My legal birth certificate states a woman gave birth to me in the hospital, yet it was physically impossible for her to give birth.
I’m not mad at you, Sandy. I simply felt like responding and explaining so that others could see that adoption is never a good choice. Take away the government seizing and sealing actual birth certificates of adoptees, take away new, amended – falsified – birth certificates and what do you have? Guardianship. · Jun 6, 2015 7:49pm
Joan Wheeler, you are right, of course. Jun 6, 2015 10:26pm
Diana Clark —
Society needs to stop putting these labels on young and vulnerable mothers.
Adoption agencies do not call pregnant women mothers, they call pregnant women “birthmothers” because it is a form of brainwashing to convince the young, poor and uninformed pregnant woman that she does not have the strength, the income, the ability to be a parent to her soon-to-be-born infant.
Calling a woman a “super woman” because she gave up her child reinforces the concept that it is natural and normal and brave and courageous and selfless to do so. If giving up your baby is all of those things, then ALL mothers should be forced by law to give up their babies at birth to a stranger.
Everyone these days is too poor or otherwise dysfunctional to raise their own children. Babies will do far better in the homes of strangers where they will receive better education, better food, better moral upbringing in the religion of the new parents and the customs of the new family.
When all parents are required by law to give away all of their children they gave birth to, then society will be equal. We will all be raising childre who were born to someone else. We will all have falsified birth certificates to prove these kids are ours. No one will care about DNA and inherited medical conditions that “run in the family” because it will be against the law for anyone to know. Nor will we care about ancestry or even recognizing family members by their physical appearance to match our own.
Then, all mothers will be “super women” as all mothers will be forced to have their newborns removed from them at the moment of birth and all mothers will then receive newborns of a stranger. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me! Gonna be the first to sign up Diana Clark?
No wait, it isn’t voluntary. Your doctor will comply with the law and remove your newborn as soon as you push that baby out. You won’t even hear your baby cry because, you are told, this isn’t your baby. Jun 8, 2015 8:13am
Joan Mary Wheeler You sound like you have had a bitter experience with adoption. Jun 8, 2015 10:16am
Diana Clark Listen sister, I didn’t have “a bitter experience” with adoption – I had a whole lifetime of a series of bad experiences with so-called loving adoptive family harassing me for accepting a phone call that reunited me with my blood kin in 1974 when I was 18. I know more about adoption than all of you commenting here. Keep throwing insults. That shows how very little you actually know about adoption psychology, adoption law, and human relationships. See that piece of paper I am holding? It is is my sealed original birth certificate with my name and parents of birth named on it. How about standing up for adoptees’ civil rights to the truth of births? So you say you are an honest person? No honest person in their right mind would say it is logical and moral and ethical to issue every single adoptee a falsified birth certificate upon the finalization of adoption. Jun 8, 2015 1:36pm
Joan Mary Wheeler In what way did I throw an insult? “So you say you are an honest person? No honest person in their right mind would say it is logical and moral and ethical to issue every single adoptee a falsified birth certificate upon the finalization of adoption.” To what in my posts or replies are you referring? · Jun 8, 2015 1:39pm
The very fact that you insulted me by saying the tired phrase “you had a bitter experience”. I’ll tell you my bitter experience – the government stole my identity to give me a “better life”. Evey single adoptee suffers identity theft when the government confiscates their birth certificates upon adoption and then issues a brand new one that is totally false. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt by saying you are an honest person. Take a good long look at the end result of identity theft upon adoption. And then, when you examine your conscience, explain how you can condone the theft of millions of birth certificates from innocent children who must grow up using these false birth certificates as the basis of their identity documents until they die. If adoption was an honest institution, it would not require its victims to involuntarily lose their actual birth certificates for life, then demand that they carry around a false birth certificate as if they were sired and birthed by two people who had nothing to do with creating life. … When sealed and falsified birth certificates of adoptees are removed from the adoption process, the end result is: GUARDIANSHIP and NOT ADOPTION. The child who needs a home and a family retains their identity and place int he family of birth while being cared for by parental figures. · Jun 11, 2015 1:25pm · Edited
I think Bella Tweeter needs therapy.· Jun 8, 2015 3:44am
Calvin Bernard III — This is the problem in society — when people judge women who speak out against the crime of convincing a mother that the best thing she can do is to give up her baby.
Calvin, you are a man. Men do not get pregnant.
You have no idea what has happened historically to pregnant women who are vulnerable. Babies have been stolen at birth while their mothers were chained to beds giving birth. Women today are told that they cannot raise their own children. Until you are faced with the theft of your baby, you do not know how it feels.
I am an adoptee, not a mother of adoption loss, yet, I am educated in adoption law, adoption psychology and sociology. I have 41 years of personal experience in adoption trauma. I am also a social worker and a social activist.
You, on the other hand, are a man who has – obviously – no personal experience and no professional experience in being a father whose child was lost to adoption, or being an adoptee.
A good place to start your education is to take a good long look at what happened to African slave women brought to early America. Their babies were stolen from them and sold to other slave traders. Where do you think the terms “placed for adoption” and “put up for adoption” came from? This is language straight from the slave-trading days when human beings were “put up” on a stage so that their new owners could look them over to pick one or several to buy.
Another term: “freed for adoption” — We “free” children for other people to adopt them by terminating parental rights. Adoption is a business, just like slave trading was a business. Jun 8, 2015 8:33am
Calvin – Here is a quote from your own Facebook wall:
“Expecting marginalized peoples to disregard their own emotions to calmly educate you is the epitome of entitlement” – by Sola Bamis.
Mothers of adoption loss, and adoptees, are marginalized peoples.
Black people were/are marginalized in America, the land of the free.
I stand for your equality, so why do you mock someone who states her own trauma from her own experience of losing her child to adoption? · Jun 8, 2015 8:47am
Joan Mary Wheeler No, YOU are the problem in society. First, therapy isn’t a bad thing, so please stop stigmatizing mental health issues. She DOES need therapy— she’s going out of her to express how traumatizing this experience was for her on a public (linked to FB) social media forum. She has over a dozen posts below, crying out for help. What would you recommend? The catharsis of FB likes? Get a clue.
No one judged her. You judged me for being a man, and then at the end threw slavery in there like you were trying to pull at my heartstrings, but my family is from the Isles. We weren’t slaves, so that’s your history, not mine. Also, you have no idea what I have ideas about. So stop that. Stop with the black people commentaries and stop demeaning my assessment because I am a man.
No one mocked her, but you have made clear that you have some issues with men and a strange obsession with African American history. Which is fine. That’s your business. I don’t owe you anything.
I stand by that it is unhealthy for Tweeter Bella to continue to post these kinds of messages in a public forum, and will restate that she needs to get some professional help to navigate these obviously difficult emotions. Seeing as to how you are also of the belief that demoralizing and attacking people and negating their personal experience on social media is a route to your own sufficiency and healing, I would suggest that you do too. Jun 8, 2015 3:06pm
Calvin Bernard III I do not have a strange obsession with African American history. I know that modern adoption has aspects of the slave trade, which I pointed out.
And yes, knowing full well that you might not be of African American descent I said it anyway to make the point. I am not the only one; those of us who have been traded from one family into the other know all too well that we have little value. Our ownership papers are our adoption decrees. Without adoption papers and without changing our birth certificates, the process of providing homes for children who need homes would be call…See More Jun 8, 2015 11:36pm
Joan Mary Wheeler, Notice how I created my own comment. Notice I did not join in. You gleaned whatever you wanted to, based on your painful history. Healthy people don’t do that. Just admit you were wrong here, apologize and move on. I’m not people who attacked he… Go find ways to marginalize those people— not me. I’m sorry that you’ve had a tough time with nasty relatives. I’m not your relative. Go talk to them. Go minimize them.
Therapy is healing. Posting random and nullifying comments on social media is not. Notice I never attacked you, belittled you for your gender, or threw your race back at you. I’m a healed person. You obviously need healing too. Rather than go on and on, I’ll just leave this here. Jun 9, 2015 4:34pm
Calvin: Your comment: “I think Bella Tweeter needs therapy” came across as mean and callous. It was insulting to Bella. It is the way you said what you said that made me write in defense. You came across as mean and unthinking by leaving a one-liner.
I absolutely know therapy is healing! Been in therapy to straighten out the hate spewed at me by my screwed up families. I don’t have to minimize my relatives – they did that to me. All I need to do is separate myself from them and never let them back into my life again. They are the abusers. Both adoptive and natural family. I have no use for relatives who mistreated me. They are out of my life for good. I have only positive people in my life now.
You and others may not understand what I write here. I have bee an adoptee rights activist and defender of mothers of adoption loss for 41 years. I know my stuff, more than the average person.
The reason I brought up slavery is to show the parallels between slavery and adoption. Both are methods of human trafficking. Both are horrendous crimes against the people who are trafficked and owned buy other humans.
We ended slavery, but continue to supply the babies of vulnerable women to wealthy couples who covet the children of others. And then, as witnessed by some commenters here, some people complain that “these women” freely give away their children to adoption without a care in the world, which, is of course, not true for all cases. As I’ve stated in another comment, during the 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s, mothers were chained to beds while giving birth. Their babies were stolen at the moment of birth and sold into adoption. Today, mothers are convinced that they are inferior and cannot be good parents to their babies. Adoption agencies make their money, big money, in the baby-trade business. Those are facts.
Adoption agencies also convince young mothers that they do not have to tell the father that they are relinquishing his child to adoption. I, and other activists, defend those fathers to get their babies back from illegal adoptions. But adoptive parents are selfish. They ignore fathers rights and push the adoptions through because they want the baby. This is human trafficking. Jun 10, 2015 11:42am
Joan Mary Wheeler, You interpret things the way you see things. If you see (black) men as mean and calloused, then that is the perspective in which you siphon what is said. Seeing as to how much prejudice and bias is tearing this country apart, it would behoove you to err on the side of grace, not accusation.
I don’t care about your relatives. That’s your problem. Discuss it in therapy. I don’t care about your causes. Those are your issues. Discuss it in therapy. I don’t want to talk to you about slavery. Discuss it with your therapist. I don’t care about other commenters. Discuss it with them. I don’t care what you think about adoptive parents. I don’t care about your other comments. I started my own comment and you attacked me for things out of my control: being black and being a man. I never attacked anyone. You attacked me on my comment because of your ugly bias and ignorance AND you stigmatized mental health.
I do care about the fact that you have continued to spit your vitrol and attack me here over and over. If I belittled your opinion out the gate because you’re a woman, I’d have dozens of people attacking me, and rightfully so. That’s not right, Joan. The fact that you keep on harping and harping makes YOU the abuser here.· Jun 10, 2015 4:10pm · Edited
I never said I see black men as mean and callous. Those are your words. I brought up slavery to point out the parallels between slavery and modern adoption.
You came on here, left a one-liner comment that marginalized a woman who lost her child to adoption. All of her statements on here are valid – I know because I know hundreds of women in her shoes. Yes, women who lose their children to adoption do suffer the rest of their lives and do need therapy, but that does not give you the right to leave a one-liner snide comment that wreaked of put-down rather than compassion. Since I have more experience in adoption reform that you do (you have none) I spoke up in her defense.
Since adoption has life-long detrimental affects on both the relinquishing parent and on the adoptee, that is proof that the institute of adoption needs to be abolished. Just as slavery was abolished. Human trafficking – taking the babies of the poor to redistribute to the rich – is a system of abuse that benefits the adoptive parents. Adoptees who do not yet know how adoption will affect them throughout their lifetimes, often times are “happy and “well-adjusted”. Until something happens. The rest of us, I guess, are not well-adjusted, according to popular opinion here.
You can have your opinion that I am the attacker. Let the readers decide. Jun 11, 2015 1:40pm
LMAOOOOO, Lady— you don’t know what I have experience in! And there are no readers, ha! No one is reading this thread but you and I and you aren’t woman enough to apologize to me. Keep trolling for likes and spilling your guts on social media, though. Good luck. Jun 15, 2015 7:10pm
I have been an adoptee rights activist for 41 years. I know my stuff, big boy. Get a life. i got mine. And mine involves telling the truth about adoption. Which is what the activists have done on this site. · Jun 16, 2015 8:33pm
Not every “birth” mother wants to be a mother. For anyone who thinks each and every birth mother is sobbing every day you are SO WRONG! There are those who don’t look back and could not be happier with their decision. So how about quitting with the attempted little guilt trips some of you are spouting off about, it’s ridiculous and just highlights the big chip on your shoulder. Jun 8, 2015 10:10am
I dare you to show up at a four-day adoption conference filled with adoptees and mothers of adoption loss. It is YOU Sonia who have an entitlement chip on your shoulder. I am a social worker and have worked with mothers in a homeless shelter. One mother’s three children were removed from her care because she did not have emotional awareness to care for them. There are mothers and fathers who only care about themselves because they haven’t been taught how to care for themselves let alone their own child, they have poor parenting skills, or have severe mental illness. I’ve worked with these people, too. To be a social worker means that one needs to have empathy for other humans. You, Sonia, only care about yourself. You sound like a self-centered woman who believes another woman owes you her child. Jun 8, 2015 11:51pm · Edited
Joan Mary Wheeler So are you saying every woman wants to be a mother and a good one? LOL really? Hmmm….I wonder how all of those children that are abused, abandoned and killed by their mothers would feel about that statement. I wonder if they would agree with you? Jun 8, 2015 2:53pm
Joan Mary Wheeler OH and I HAVE been to adoption conferences, last November actually. And yes, I DO know about what happens to children, both good and bad. You seem to be under the misguided idea that everyone is good, at least all women are. You feel that all women are sweet, kind and motherly. Not so, and the fact that you are making such a broad and general blanket term about an entire gender tells me that I am wasting my time with you. Good day. Jun 8, 2015 2:56pm
So Sonia, it’s only mothers who don’t want to be mothers who give away their children? It’s only mothers who can’t be ‘good’ mothers who give away their children? There are so many mothers out there who ‘don’t look back’ and are actually ‘happy’ with giving away their children? What planet do you live on? While not every mother wants to be a mother, but those that are ALL want to be good ones. Some can, some can’t… why is that even relevant to the adoption industry? Oh, that’s right, it’s the evil, abusive, mentally ill, poor mothers who have little power who can be coerced into relinquishing. Show me a thrilled mother who has lost a child to adoption and hasn’t looked back, and I’ll show you you’re a liar. Stop perpetuating the myth that the dysfunctional mothers are those who relinquish. Clearly you had your blindfold and ear plugs in when you went to the adoption conference. Jun 8, 2015 9:18pm
Sonia Silveroli How many adoptees are killed by their adoptive parents? Too many. And no, I did not say that all woman are good and sweet. You are the entitled self-centered woman who came on here to insult mothers of adoption loss. I defended them. What kind of adoption conference did you attend? American Adoption Conference filled with adoption reform activists? Or one filled with baby-hungry adoptive parents, pre-adoptive parents and adoption agencies? Jun 8, 2015 11:16pm · Edited
Joan would NEVER be able to speak, in person, to anyone, the way she does ON LINE! Because of one, she’s a coward, and two…she’d get a punch in the face!
THAT’S ALL FOLKS! For now that is…for Joan will ALWAYS BE BACK