abuser, adoption or family preservation, adoption reform, adoption reunions, adoption trauma, age differences between parents and children, agenda and propaganda, being downright nasty, birth/adoptive families, blaming people for your own mess, browbeating people over adoption, co-dependency, condescending attitude, confrontations with Joan Wheeler, cyberbullying, Doris Sippel, Duped by Adoption, exploiting a dying dead mother, Forbidden Family a book of lies, how not to be a social-worker, mental illness, mirah riben, not allowing others to have their own opinions and views, power play, rhetoric and propaganda
Is it another power play by Joan M Wheeler, this time to take Mirah’s place, and/or is there REALLY trauma in being adopted?
First, it needs to be noted that Joan M Wheeler has changed her name to Doris Michol Sippel, her birth name. She shall NEVER be that birth named person to anyone in the birth family for she DIED the same day as our mother died. So regardless of what Joan calls herself, for she has multiple screen names, I shall never recognize any but Joan M Wheeler.
SEE END OF THIS POST FOR UPDATED INFO
Second, it appears as if Mirah is bowing out of the mainstream spotlight of adoption reform activism; that’s a topic for another post. As usual Joan is attempting to make yet another power play to get herself onto the top of the heap; Joan loves to state HOW many years she’s been fighting etc etc etc. Joan attempted a power play in 2015 with Joyce B from UI Adoptee Rights NY. See this link for fuller details…
Third, there is SOME dispute about whether adoption CAUSES trauma, such as PTSD, separation issues, etc. or not. At this junction I am NOT addressing those issues. Primarily the issue being discussed in the following is adoption versus family preservation. From personal experience and intuitive thinking, I don’t believe that family preservation is possible, or welcomed, in many cases. I am of firm belief that adoption has a large place in the world of humans.
The following Huffington Post article gave me just the opportunity to present my position. Of course I was subjected to yet another adoptee fool who just would NOT let another person, me, have my own thoughts and opinions!
On June 29, 2016 Mirah Riben wrote a piece on Huffington Post. The link is below.
I begin, here, by showing my and Ruth’s comments before I show Joan’s, for I want OUR positions to be understood before Joan presents her agenda and propaganda. Also, by presenting my, and Ruth’s comments, first we can show how even ONE adoptee will just not let go of their bone of contention! Another point to be aware of is that NO ONE replied to Joan’s comments.
Here is the link
In Joan comments, as you will see further down, she tells ‘her version’ of her adoption. Instead of replying to her directly, I told the TRUTH of the situation, in a separate comment. Of course, Joan and others know who I am, don’t like what I have to say, for it does NOT square with Joan’s and they can’t stop me. There are many who do not know who I am and agree with me. But then, as you will see, there are those that want to destroy me because of my opinions.
So I began…
Family preservation is NOT always the answer or even possible! There are real and right reasons for ADOPTION. Here’s the truth of one family’s LOSS and TRAUMA!
In the winter of 1955/56, in a hospital bed, where she laid, on the drug DES and bedrest to keep her pregnancy intact, a young wife/mother gave birth to her 5th child, a girl on January 7; there were 3 other girls and 1 boy, all very young. The husband/father had his elderly parents helping with the care of the four and the newborn, upon release from the hospital, was then in the care of a family relative. The husband/father knew that his wife was dying, of cancer, from January 19, 1956 when she had exploratory surgery and it was deemed that nothing further could be done for her. She herself knew she was dying and told her husband to remarry for the children. She died March, 28, 1956.
From JANUARY 1956 the father searched for a solution. NOTHING was decided at any funeral. He proposed a marriage of convenience, BEFORE his wife died, to a woman, who had 2 fatherless children saying that he would help raise them, if she would help raise his 5 motherless children. She agreed, but NOT to the infant; the last born. They were married, 3 months after the death of the children’s mother, in June 1956.
Before the second marriage, some family members wanted to ‘adopt’ the infant. Some other family members wanted to ‘adopt’ the other 2 youngest children. The father said NO, if he could NOT RAISE his children NO ONE IN THE FAMILY WOULD.
Other family members knew of an older couple (10 years older than the natural parents) that were infertile and wanted a child. Adoption was the solution to provide for this infant THAT WAS REFUSED BY THE SECOND WIFE and care for and keep the rest of the family in the second marriage.
The infant was adopted quickly, removed from the relatives who had been giving physical care, to the adopting couple; for the day that the husband’s wife died, this last child also became ‘dead’, for that was the only psychological means and way that allowed him to give up his child.
The remaining 4 children and step-children’s lives were uprooted again in 1957 when the 2nd wife developed a mental illness and was hospitalized. The six children were placed in various orphan/foster homes; one of them, me, barely returned to their father’s care. Life was hard at times and the 4 children always wondered about their baby sister. That child, which was adopted out of the family, was raised as an only spoiled child, that and more were to be learned, the hard way, in years to follow.
It is best NOT to second guess, or make up stories, about what anyone did or didn’t do 60 years ago just feed one’s sense of being duped. NO one is this family won! EVERYONE lost and had trauma! Live the life you got, for better or worse, you only have the ONE. Adoption is a human institution that certainly needs reform but it will be around for as long as there are human that NEED that option Jun 30, 2016 4:53pm (liked by Greg Sedo…remember this name)
lets ignore the fact that there are other options in 2016 that care for kids way better than adoption. parenting orders, guradianship, kinship care just to name a few. Jul 2, 2016 5:26pm
(this person cannot allow me to have my own views)
Sarah Bremick I’m not ignoring that there are other, perhaps better options, available today than 60 years ago than ‘just’ adoption! I gave a very real personal family story that could easily be lived TODAY, by many. The decision MADE was a personal decision; just like many personal decisions that ALL of us make at any time in our lives! I know I’ve had to make hard difficult decisions USING my own conscious WITH what I had at any GIVEN moment and I’m sure you have as well!
The issue/decision to adopt or not to adopt is NOT ALWAYS a clear cut ‘do this, don’t do that’, kind of thing! I adopted! That was MY decision to do so. My life, my decisions, like my father’s, are NOT up to being criticized, decades later, by adoption activists who believe that adoption is an evil! Neither are my life’s decisions to be USED and ALTERED to fit and prove someone else’s ‘agenda and propaganda’ that adoption causes all manner of troubles, problems and what have you!
I find it a grave dishonor to family members that their LIVES, their TRAUMAS, their LOSSES are used and altered to promote a personal agenda against the institution of adoption! How would YOU, Sarah, feel if YOUR decisions, YOUR life, were ALTERED to fit into another’s propaganda program? I still feel that as long as there are humans, adoption will be a valid and valuable method to care for children that need homes and parents! Jul 2, 2016 7:40pm
your the casue of the problem. Me..mine were altered to suit someone else without my permission.Adoption is never valid. You are not a valid reason to over ride how I feel about it Jul 4, 2016 5:57am
Sarah Bremick sometimes (not all the time) kids need families not legalized babysitters. That’s where adoption is sometimes a solution. There isn’t a one size fits all model. Jul 4, 2016 3:51pm
Sarah Bremick how is she the cause of YOUR problem?
As to things being done to you as an infant/chilld without your permission – well guess what? Things were done to me when I was a child without my permission. I had absolutely NO say in what MY name would be, what my religion would be, what school I went to, where I was to live. All these things were decided upon by my parents until I was old enough to make my life decisions for myself. And I’m not even adopted! · Jul 5, 2016 6:26am
If you’re going to argue for the case of trauma and moral injury Sarah, then you need to find a more relevant criteria. Jul 5, 2016 6:26am
Ruth Herr Sippel Pace exactly. You are not adopted. Your name is the one you were born with. No one removed it and replaced it with another. Your religion was set by what religion your parents had, your school by what area you lived in. My parents did not make these decisions. My purchasers did. Jul 5, 2016 5:35pm
Sarah Bremick Sarah…give it a break! You are not going to change EVERYONE’s opinions or feelings. Many people who adopt or are adoptees are NOT concerned over these issues that are stressing you out.
While I can fully appreciate your feelings AND I am IN agreement that adoption REFORM is needed, there are VALID NEEDS for ADOPTION. Not all adoption are PURCHASES! Sure I paid a legal fee, just like I paid a legal fee for any legal CONTRACT. I adopted my son with my second husband, my son’s natural father didn’t want to pay support! Someone WANTED TO. Someone WANTED TO BE THE FATHER. My son’s NAME was changed…so WHAT! Oh, that doesn’t count because that was a domestic step-parent adoption and the CHILD knew his birth father, BUT…yes his birth certificate was CHANGED. Big deal! And yes, I have a birth sibling that was place INTO adoption, as told in my comment. Ok, I get it, some adoptees don’t like what happened to them…well…get in line and take a number for you are not the only one who doesn’t like what life gave you!
Bottom line is that I, AND anyone else has, the right and freedom to make decisions for ourselves and that INCLUDES adopting ACCORDING to the current LEGAL LAWS. If you want to change the laws DO SO…via the LEGAL METHODS…NOT by trying to make those of us whom believe that adoption is a necessary FUNCTION in the social structure of the HUMAN RACE, into some kind of evil! You really need a different platform to be heard! Jul 5, 2016 6:35pm
Gert Mcqueen your an adopter. You dont get to tell me what I am allowed to feel or say. Jul 8, 2016 7:29pm
Sarah Bremick that’s RIGHT I adopted WITH my second husband MY OWN CHILD THAT I BIRTHED! do you really have a problem with that?? Give a life! There are billions of childred that NEED families! You Sarah, DON’T get to tell me that I am WRONG for ADOPTING. DEAL WITH IT. Jul 8, 2016 7:34pm ·
Sarah Bremick… you ALSO dont get to tell me what I am allowed to feel or say. Jul 8, 2016 9:22pm (liked by Greg Sdeo)
I find it ironic that those who complain about adoptees and birth mothers being silenced are the same ones who attack those whose stories put adoption in a positive light. I’m so sorry Celia that you have fallen into line with other vocal adoptees. Jul 4, 2016 1:20pm
NOW BEFORE we see all of Joan’s comments here is her parting words (in the comments).
…I spent my childhood without my siblings and our father and I blame adoption for that. No amount of love for the people who rasied me (who I called Mom and Dad) can erase the pain of the loss I feel. Loss is trauma…
My question is, if that is true, then why, when she was found, did she sabotage and destroy each and every relationship with members of the birth family, including with our father, and then write two books of lies? Answer, because she hates being adopted so much that she is unable and unwilling to ACCEPT the life and circumstances she was given. She MUST punish everyone in both families for their CRIME against HER.
AND NOW for Joan’s comments…NOTE her agenda, rhetoric and propaganda, her condescending attitude, her insults and browbeating!
I wouldn’t say that here, Sinbad.You have just tread on thin ice. Many women kill themselves, too. Many adopted people, men and women, have ended their lives because of what adoption has done to them. There are those of us who are reading this now who know one or more adopted persons who are no longer with us. And two mothers (of adoption loss) in particular who are crying right now from the suicides of their relinquished daughters. Jun 29, 2016 4:40pm
For me, I understand the Moral Wound of relinquishing mothers and fathers. It goes against nature to give up a child. That is a pain I cannot know for myself. But I do understand it. I also understand the Moral Wound of soldiers in war and returning home. While I did not live this experience, I’ve know many veterans, one was my brother. I was prevented from knowing my own full blood brother during our childhood and was reunited with him one year after he returned from Viet Nam. He died in 2003. You will not get outrage from me over the comparison. The moral choices each had to make are clear to me, are forgivable, and very human. · Jun 29, 2016 4:12pm
Yes, we do need to be heard and respected. Adoptees are ignored, put down, laughed at, ridiculed, treated as children, and dismissed. Our feelings, our experiences, our very lives are judged by others (family, friends, strangers) as being inferior. Jun 29, 2016 2:45pm ·
To … Jennifer —
I will repeat my comment to Celia here so you can reflect upon it. Adoption does, indeed, wound. It further destroyed my family after the death of my mother: In 1956, my mother was dying from cancer while pregnant with me. She died when I was three months old. My father was approached at her funeral by the parrish priest who said, “the baby needs two parents.” My father, being the devout Catholic that he was, followed the priest’s advise. He gave me up for adoption and kept his other four older children. Celia, do not think for one second that adoption did not affect my entire family. It did. When reunited in 1974, my father said he never wanted to givive me up, bbut he was never given any other option. Family preservation was not a consideration, no one asked him if he needed help to keep his family together. The prevailing thought in society at the time was to split up families. While my siblings lived six miles away with our father, I was rasied as an only child. yes, adoption itself, and relinquishement (separation) causes pain. I spent my childhood without my siblings and our father and I blame adoption for that. No amount of love for the people who rasied me (who I called Mom and Dad) can erase the pain of the loss I feel. Loss is trauma.
So, Jennifer, something else you need to know. My adopters were so loving that they lied to me my entire childhood. Sure, I know they were afraid I would leave them if I knew I had siblings living so close by. I know how much they loved me adn I loved them with the innocence and trust of a child. But when I was found in 1974 by my siblings that my adopters knew I had (but did not ever want me to know) I was furious. Turns out that all of my extended adoptive family knew and they were distantly related to my deceased mother. Everyone socialized with each other… the adults, that is. Me and my siblings were kept apart because of the way adoption was handled at that point in time.
And please, spare me any praise for open adoption as the solution. It is not. Adoption still breaks up a family in order to create another.
Now, let’s discuss the matter of adoption’s stronghold on the adotpee’s identity. No child should be forced to lose her or his identity in order to haev a home, if indeed a home is actually needed. Every single adopted person’s birth certificate is sealed upon the finalization of adoption. A new “birth” certifcate is created using adoption information. In reality, the adoptee is not born with the new name and is not sired nor conceive nor gestated nor born to the adotpers. Adoption itself is one big lie after another.
If adoption is so wonderful and does not cause trauma, why lie about it? The indentity of the child should remain intact. The actual birth certificate should remain intact with the parents of actual conception and gestation and birth named for all eternity. Because that is the truth.
Where is the respect for the adopted person as to the worth and dignity of that individual? Where is the respect for the two parents who created that child? There is not respect for these three people in adoption. Jun 29, 2016 3:47pm
To ….Jennifer —
your negative comments about Mirah Riben‘s writing about adoption for many years denegrate not only her, but other adoption reformers who have also been writing for many years. Many have passed on. Instead of negativity, perhaps you, and others commenting here, should look up these books by early adoption experts: “The Adoption Triangle” by Annette Baron and Reuben Pannor, “Shared Fate” by H. David Kirk, “Lost and Found” by Betty Jean Lifton. These authors, and more, wrote about adoption. They helped many, many people understand adoption from the adopted person’s point of view and from the relinquishing parent’s point of view, too. And we must not ever forget Jean Paton, the adoptee who started the adoption reform movement in 1953 with her books “Orphan Voyage” and “The Adopted Break Silence.” I have every one of these books and knew each of these authors personally.
How many of these books have YOU read, Jennifer? Do you know the amount of personal dedication, knowledge base, research, time and effort it takes to write a book? It also takes a trendous amount of courage to put down your thoughts and knowledge into a published article and book because people, like you, criticize. Jun 29, 2016 4:33pm
To… Jennifer Danvers …
The amended birth certificate that is automatically issued after the Final Order of Adoption is granted by family or surrogate court I just that: a birth certificate. It states the child’s new name and the names of two strangers to the child as mother and father. The implication is that this “father” sired this child and this “mother” conceived, gestated, and gave birth to this child. Those are material false facts certified as true on a government issued document. This is the adopted person’s second form of legal identification. The first is the actual birth certificate which is canceled of its legal status, permanently sealed, and replaced by the amended “birth” certificate. The adopted person has no choice in these changes in legal identity documents; all adopted people possess birth certificates that state strangers created them. If an adoptee discovers later in life the name given at birth, a legal name change can restore the name given at birth, but the legal parents are still the ones named on the amended birth certificate.
I legally changed my name from Joan Mary Wheeler back to my name at birth. But my actual birth certificate is still sealed. But my adoptive “parents” are officially my parents as if they sired and birthed me.
This may not be important to you, but it is extremely important to many adopted persons who resent this manipulation of the facts of their births. It is also a total disregard and disrespect to the real mother and father of a real person who was really born to them.
Adoption itself is base on lies from the very beginning of this legal arrangement. This causes a lifetime of problems for the adopted person. This causes a lifetime of problems for the mother who is no longer the legal mother of her child. This mother lives with the torment of relinquishment (moral delemna addressed by this article) and the knowledge that she is the mother but the law erased her name and replaced her name with another woman’s name on her child’s birth certificate. Unless you are a victim of this adoption system, you cannot know the psychological damage caused by adoption. · Jun 30, 2016 8:08am
To…Celia Paddock Malm —
In addition to Mirah’s sugestion that you read “The Pimal Wound” by Nancy Verrier, I suggest Nancy Verrier’s second book: “The Adopted Child Grows Up: Coming Home to Self”. You should also read these books: “Being Adopted: the Lifelong Search for Self,” by David Brodzinsky, Marshal Schechter and Robin Marantz. And: “The Psychology of Adoption” by Brodzinsky and Schechter. Jun 29, 2016 8:31am
To…Celia Paddock Malm —
In 1956, my mother was dying from cancer while pregnant with me. She died when I was three months old. My father was approached at her funeral by the parrish priest who said, “the baby needs two parents.” My father, being the devout Catholic that he was, followed the priest’s advise. He gave me up for adoption and kept his other four older children. Celia, do not think for one second that adoption did not affect my entire family. It did. When reunited in 1974, my father said he never wanted to givive me up, bbut he was never given any other option. Family preservation was not a consideration, no one asked him if he needed help to keep his family together. The prevailing thought in society at the time was to split up families. While my siblings lived six miles away with our father, I was rasied as an only child. yes, adoption itself, and relinquishement (separation) causes pain. I spent my childhood without my siblings and our father and I blame adoption for that. No amount of love for the people who rasied me (who I called Mom and Dad) can erase the pain of the loss I feel. Loss is trauma. Jun 29, 2016 3:29pm
UPDATE OCTOBER 2016; as older posts are being seen I’m updating with links to my second blog and a Facebook page wherein I expose AGAIN the lies, fabrications and hate that Joan M Wheeler (Doris Michol Sippel) says about me and family. The first book ‘Forbidden Family, A Half Orphan’s Account of Her Adoption, Reunion and Social Activism‘ was pulled from publication by the publisher in May 2011. Then in 2015, she ‘self-published’ a ‘revised’ version calling it ‘Forbidden Family, an adoptee duped by adoption’. This woman has no shame no sense of family honor! Then in 2016 Joan changed her name back to her birth name and rewrote and republished the SAME crap in another book; a Third edition! CALLED ‘Forbidden Family: An Adopted Woman’s Struggle for Identity’! Talk about conning people!
this blog’s title/sub title is… DUPED BY ADOPTION & AN WOMAN’S STRUGGLE FOR IDENTITY, A BOOK STUDY an in-depth analyzes of the books called Forbidden Family; My Life as an Adoptee Duped by adoption & An Adopted Woman’s Struggle for Identity by Joan M Wheeler/Doris M Sippel.